


From Cradle to Grave

by Draco_sollicitus



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (A lot of angst), Adjusted Ages, Angst, Canon Death, Childhood Friends AU, DameRey, F/M, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, Minor Rey/Ben Solo (one sided mostly), Misunderstandings, POV Poe Dameron, Poe/Rey/Ben Friendship, Rey Andor - Freeform, Rogue One Re-Write, Sequel Trilogy AU, Three and a half year age gap, Unrequited Love, Violence, childhood best friends, discovery of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-08 01:29:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14683598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draco_sollicitus/pseuds/Draco_sollicitus
Summary: Near the end of 6 ABY, Poe Dameron is born to Shara Bey and her husband, Kes, on Yavin 4. There, the Dameron-Beys seek to rebuild after a destructive and terrible war. The family lives near Kes's best friend, Jyn Erso, and her own husband, Cassian Andor, who are also veterans and survivors of a terrible cataclysm.Poe's Aunt Jyn and Uncle Cassian's deepest wish - to be parents - is granted overnight in 14 ABY, when Master Luke Skywalker appears with a small child in tow. The mysterious Rey with-no-last-name becomes Rey Andor, the light and joy of Cassian and Jyn's universe.Across the years, Poe, Rey, and eventually Ben Solo, forge an unbreakable bond of friendship, trust, and love. But when they become young adults, Poe realizes that his love for Rey Andor can no longer be defined as platonic- but rather is a love that could threaten her status as a Jedi, and the balance between the three childhood friends. Jealousy, desire, and misunderstandings tear at the trio while they navigate their burgeoning roles in the Resistance to an unnamed threat: a threat that at least one of the friends is destined to play a tragic role in.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> To fit this AU, the following aspects of canon were changed:
> 
> Poe was born in 6 ABY, not 2 ABY  
> Rey was born in ~10 ABY (she and Poe are 3.5 years apart), not 15 ABY  
> Ben was born in 7 ABY, not 5 ABY
> 
> Instead of dying before 12 ABY, Shara Bey dies in 17 ABY.  
> Poe joins the New Republic's navy at 17, in 24 ABY, but he becomes disenchanted quickly and joins Leia's newly-founded Resistance as a naturally-gifted pilot.  
> Ben Solo does not join Master Luke's temple until he is almost 13, in 20 ABY.
> 
> Rey is still of unnamed parents (her origin is semi-addressed by Luke, in this chapter), but she is adopted by Cassian and Jyn Andor, who survived the Death Star's attack of Scarif.
> 
> This fic is mature and deals with: the cost of war/PTSD; infertility; loss of loved ones; sex and sexuality (there is at least one semi-explicit sex scene planned, but there is definitely no underage-anything); serious injuries/threats/near-death experiences; aftermath of torture; and, nonstop cursing.
> 
> There is some fluffy parts, and some smut, but (especially the last three chapters) there is serious angst. It very much follows a certain arc from the canon, which you'll see coming from a parsec away.
> 
> All chapters will come with individual warnings, with explained warnings in end-notes (this chapter only deals with brief mention of infertility, and is from a child's POV)
> 
> Some chapters will be short (this will be a small-ish novella length when published fully), but updates will be daily.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is dedicated to theislandergirl who should specify FLUFF ONLY to stop this angsty beast

Poe Dameron sprints across the compound on Yavin 4. An unseen enemy tears after him, taking advantage of a longer stride and a mind honed by years of subterfuge and survival. Poe is quick, but his legs are getting tired, and he gasps when he stumbles over an exposed root while attempting to sprint for the sanctuary of the Force Tree. He shouts as he goes down, but seconds before his face makes contact with the dirt, a strong pair of arms bundles him up and cushions him while assailant and prey slam into the ground.

“Let me go!” Poe screams, flailing wildly against his enemy.

“Yield!” The man says gleefully. Poe squirms around to glare at Cassian, who looks beyond smug at having caught his nephew with such ease.

Poe elbows his tío viciously in the gut, and Cassian releases a soft _uf_ of surprise, his arms slackening involuntarily. “Ha!” Poe roars, jumping to his feet once more. “Now you’ll never catch me!” he begins to run again, looking over his shoulder to make sure Cassian isn’t following. Worryingly, Cassian’s staring after him with an expression – what was it mamá had called it? A “smirk”? – that confuses Poe.

Well, it confuses him until metal wraps around his torso, and he’s lifted kicking and shouting into the air.

“Poe Dameron,” K-2SO scolds. How does a droid manage to scold, again? Poe isn’t sure, but he’s somehow been blessed with two grumpy droids in his life: Kay and Threepio. “Is this how a humanoid who is almost eight years old acts?” Poe scowls viciously in answer, attempting to kick the massive droid, which he understands wouldn’t work, but would give him some level of satisfaction anyone. “No. Cassian, I am actually not sure how humanoid development works. Is this how a child that is almost eight years old acts?”

“Yes, I suppose it is. Drop the boy, Kay, or we’ll catch hell from his mamá,” Cassian’s standing now when Poe manages to twist around, and he smiles at Kay and his nephew fondly. Poe grins back, but it’s gone quickly after he’s deposited none-too-gently on the ground. “Kay! He isn’t a pile of lumber, for gods’sakes.”

“The boy will be fine,” Kay says, leaning down to study Poe’s face. “There are no injuries of note to report.”

Poe growls and surges at the droid, but Cassian quickly intervenes. “Why don’t you go inside and wash up for supper, little man,” Uncle Andor laughs good-naturedly, and re-directs Poe towards the main house of the compound. “Say hi to your tí-tí for me, she’s inside talking to your mamá. And tell them both that they’re beautiful, and say it’s from me.”

“Is Aunt Jyn mad at you again?” Poe asks, confused by the randomness of the final request.

“She usually is,” Cassian sighs fondly and smiles. “But it’s good practice to tell women that they are beautiful. It is sort of like a,” he thinks for a moment, obviously searching for a word. “Method of building credit, yes?”

Poe rolls his eyes. “You’re weird, tío.” He gets his hair ruffled for that comment, and a hand between his shoulder blades pushing him towards the main house. Poe remembers halfway across the yard that he’s starving, so he starts to sprint, eager to see what his dad cooked for dinner.

 The window on the lower level of the two-story stone house – the one his father had built for his mother in ‘an attempt to lure her out of the sky for a few months at a time,’ the house that faced eastward to catch the light of Yavin in its front windows at all times of the day – is open, and Poe walks underneath it, crouching so he isn’t seen.

He has an idea to climb through the window instead of using the door, in an attempt to prank his mother and Jyn: Jyn, at the very least, will pull some sort of cool weapon in mock-defense. He and Jyn have long pretended to be at war (and Poe is too young to see the looks of apprehension exchanged by Shara and Cassian when they begin to point fake guns at each other), Jyn as an Army general, and Poe as a dashing pilot, who often meet in play-battle with plenty of sneak attacks.

Poe leans forward, at the edge of the window still out of sight, and prepares to jump inside, when he hears –

Jyn doesn’t sound right. Her voice is tight, and it sounds like she’s in pain. He wasn’t listening close enough to hear her individual words, but he focuses in time to hear his mother’s response:

“I don’t think it’s time for you to give up, Jyn.” She sounds so serious, but not angry. Still, Poe wonders if they’re having a fight. Jyn and his father’s fights are always shouted loud enough to hurt the ears, but other than Aunt Leia and Uncle Han, all the adults in his life have their arguments quietly, privately, and seriously. Is that what this is?

It’s a moment before Jyn replies, and Poe takes the time to even out his breathing and lean in closer, making sure he’s absolutely invisible unless someone leaned directly out the window and looked down.

“Shara,” Jyn says, miserably. “Cassian and I have been married for almost five years. I thought – I thought once the hard part was over, once we were done killing and being almost killed – I thought the rest would be easy.”

 _Are Cassian and Jyn fighting?_ Poe wonders, eyes wide while he wraps his hands around his knees. Thank the gods Uncle Cassian went to check out his ship, or he’d see Poe eavesdropping on his wife, and that’d probably result in serious punishment, like no holo-novels for a week, or cleaning up poo-doo at the Woolamander’s sacred site nearby.

“I’m starting to think we weren’t meant to be parents,” Jyn sniffs. _Jyn Erso-Andor is crying._ Poe realizes, mouth dropping open. He’s seen his mother cry, his father cry, his uncle cry – but never Jyn. It feels … weird. It feels really weird to hear the best warrior he knows cry like that. “I mean, should it be this hard, Shara? I thought it was supposed to be the easiest thing in the world.”

“Don’t think like that, Jyn,” his mother sounds sadder than she ever has. “The Force has a strange way of working, you know that better than anyone. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it never will. You two have been through so much –”

“Yes, and maybe that’s what the problem is,” Jyn says, voice a little clearer now. “What happened to us on Scarif – I’m too scared shitless to find out for sure, but when we woke up after Scarif, we were both told that our reproductive systems could have been … that they might be …”

“The radiation,” Shara says, simply, and Poe frowns, trying to place a definition to the word. Before he can, Jyn’s talking again.

“Yeah. And it kills me, you know? Seeing Cass with Poe – he loves children so much, Shara. I do too, and gods, I’d kill for your son, and I always wanted a family, but…Cass is my family. And if he’s all I ever had, I’d be happy, I could be happy with just that, you know? But my husband,” Jyn’s voice breaks again, and Poe finds himself crying, even though he isn’t sure why, he isn’t even sure what they’re talking about. _If they want a baby, they should just get a baby_ , he thinks, naively. _There’s so many of babies in the galaxy. And besides, they’re gross. Who wants a baby?_

Jyn manages to finish her thought. “My husband is a father who doesn’t have a child,” she says, a broken whisper that doesn’t sound right in the voice of the strongest person Poe knows. “And it kills me that I can’t give that to him.”

“Oh, Jyn,” Shara says, and when Poe manages to twist around and peek in the window, he sees that Shara has half-risen from her seat on the sofa, and has wrapped herself around Jyn, who clutches at her friend’s upper arm and weeps silently. Even in her grief, Jyn Erso-Andor is scowling as if at an enemy. It makes Poe feel a little more comfortable, the fact that Jyn’s just as angry as she is sad. He recognizes anger on her face, and that makes it easier to take in.

Something in his gut tells him to get away from the window, so he rolls away and pretends to be walking up the steps to the compound – and great timing, too, because the door opens, and Kes Dameron appears, obviously unaware of the Serious Adult Conversation taking place in his living room. His mouth is already open to shout, but he looks pleasantly surprised to see Poe trudging across the porch. “Good, you’re already here, mijo,” his father says fondly. “Would you be a sweet boy and go get your tío?” Poe nods, miserably, and Kes frowns at him. “Sweet boy, what’s wrong?” He kneels down and smiles at his son. Poe hesitates, not sure if he should say what he overheard – and he still doesn’t fully understand, he doesn’t – or try to explain why he’s suddenly so grieved, but he knows what he wants.

Poe lurches forward and hugs his father around the neck. “I love you, papá,” he says into his dad’s shoulder.

“I love you too, mijo.” His dad sounds surprised, but when Poe starts to sob, great, wracking sobs that he can’t identify or trace the source of, Kes doesn’t ask questions and merely rubs his hands up and down his back. Behind them, the light of Yavin continues to stretch across the moon, streaming over the front of their house, illuminating everything with a suddenly unbearable brightness.

***

Months later, Poe crashes through the undergrowth, heading back from the Temple, after spotting a planet hopper descend from outside the atmo.

Only two people he knows use that kind of ship – Uncle Davits and Master Luke – and he’s eager to speak to either of them. His education has been taken over by his father, and sometimes tutors sent by Aunt Leia (the word ‘prodigy’ was whispered during an astronautical maths lesson last year, and Poe hadn’t been bothered to look up the word, but it didn’t sound great), and his mamá has already taught him how to fly three types of ships (to his father’s mild horror). Luke and Davits though – they’re an unknown, with new things to teach and tell him, and Davits at least always brings him a present.

When either visits, his dad usually drags tables outside if the weather promises to be clear, and they throw a party with lots of food, and usually some sort of sweet – a rarity, which is probably good considering how much Poe loves sweets – but when he stumbles into the clearing, the tables aren’t out.

The only sign of their guest is R2D2, Skywalker's companion and one of Poe’s favorite droids in the galaxy (and he’s learning Binary, so he now completely understands when Artoo curses, loudly and effectively, at the slightest encouragement, which has become endlessly amusing), but the droid coos at him worriedly when Poe asks, “Where’s Luke, buddy?”

Poe frowns, anxiety building in his chest from the change in the expected course of action. He walks up the stairs, shaking slightly, and his anxiety increases when he hears a man sobbing, loudly.

No one on Yavin 4 has cried like that since Uncle Bodhi died. They hadn’t seen Master Luke for almost a year after his death.

Poe walks in the already opened door, casting one more worried look back at Artoo, who rocks back and forth in what’s obviously meant to be encouragement.

“I know it’s soon, and I only told you of her yesterday,” he hears Luke saying while his feet drag him towards the living room of their own volition. “But I know you were meant to have her.”

“Thank you,” Jyn says, and Poe walks into the living room to see his parents standing with Luke, and Jyn and Cassian kneeling behind them. “I – I don’t know how to thank you, Luke.”

“Don’t thank me,” Luke says, a sad smile on his prematurely lined face. “Just help her. She needs you, so much. Her future is unclear, right now, but I can see that she was meant to be with you.”

“And all we know is that her name is Rey?” Jyn asks, and Cassian sobs next to her – the source of the crying Poe had been able to hear from outside. He edges into the room further, and he sees what Jyn and Cassian are kneeling around.

On the sofa, a small child is asleep, face crossed by stress, hair tied in three strange buns. The child – Rey? – is tiny, too tiny, Poe knows instinctively, and freckles cover her tanned face. She’s wearing a weird dress over brown pants, and she’s curled around herself in her sleep.

“That’s all we know,” Luke answers somberly. "That and her life has been impossibly difficult." Poe walks forward, and his mother spots him.

“Mijo,” she says, holding her hand out. “I was wondering where you were. Master Luke has brought—”

She cuts herself off, looking worried, suddenly, and she exchanges what Poe calls a Married Look with his father.

“Poe, come meet Rey,” Kes says, taking him by the hand and walking over to the sofa. “She’s going to need a friend when she wakes up, mijo. Think you could show her around?”

Poe stares down at the small girl in wonder. There are no other children on Yavin 4, and a strange excitement builds in his gut looking at Rey. There’s a sense of—importance around her. He doesn’t know why, or how, but he knows: Rey is going to change his life.

“Yes, papa,” Poe remembers to answer.

“Keep an eye on her, sweet boy.” His dad ruffles his hair and leaves him to sit on the edge of the sofa. The adults move into talking about something else, something about birth certificates and documents, stuff that Poe can’t be bothered to listen to. Not when he has a job to do, suddenly. He has the most important job in the galaxy, now.

 _Friend,_ he whispers to himself. _I’m going to have a friend._


	2. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Poe become close friends; Ben Solo comes to live on Yavin 4; Poe loses his mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shara Bey dies in this chapter; in this AU, she dies of a prolonged, painful disease. No descriptions of disease other than tiredness are given, but it's a significant portion of the last half of the chapter, and it follows Poe's emotional reaction to losing his mother.
> 
> Angst/sadness/grief/loss of a loved one.

It was Leia Organa who decided on what to call Rey on the official documents. Rey became Breha Erso-Andor, or Rey Andor; and, she became Poe’s shadow.

He was the only person she would speak to for a full week after she arrived on Yavin 4. Rey had startled awake while the grown-ups were discussing whatever grown-up thing they weren’t allowed to listen to with children’s ears, and her wide eyes stared at him in horror.

“Hey,” Poe whispered, soothingly. “Hey, everything is okay.” The girl lashed out at him physically, almost catching him off-guard, but Kes had trained him how to wrestle, how to defend himself, so he caught her wrist in a firm but not cruel hold. “I am not going to hurt you,” he promised her, immediately worried that her instinct was to fight when she met a stranger. “I’m never going to hurt you. My name is Poe. You’re on Yavin 4. Luke Skywalker brought you here.”

“Rey,” she whispered, staring at him with eyes that weren’t quite green like Jyn’s, and weren’t quite brown like Cassian’s, but met, somewhere in the middle in a way that Poe had never seen before. “I’m Rey.” He encouraged her to fall back asleep, promising _I’ll be here when you wake up,_ and she had shaken in terror until he held her hand – only then with that physical anchor was she able to close her eyes and fall asleep.

Poe knew then, and he knows now, a year later, that he’ll never forget the way she clung to his hand while she slept, as if terrified that he’d be gone when she opened her eyes.

***

They walk through the trees, Rey practically buzzing with excitement while she trots along a fallen log.

“Wait ‘til you see it, Ben,” she says, beaming widely. “There’s nothing like it in the whole galaxy.”

Poe finds it funny that the kind but often quiet Cassian and the highly reserved if humorous Jyn had gotten a daughter so apparently bright and curious. In the last year, though, Colonel Andor and Captain Erso had become more and more cheerful, parts of their personalities sliding into place, demonstrating that there were pieces of themselves missing that Poe hadn’t noticed until they were filled. Poe likes how easily Jyn laughs now; he likes how certain lines are fading on Cassian’s face, only to be replaced by the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes – _laugh lines,_ his father had called him, tracing his own, when Poe asked, _a sign of a life well-lived, mijo._

Rey skips over the forest path to land on a rock, and twirls. Poe would want to copy the movement, except he’s nine years old now, and Ben’s staring at Rey a little confused, with a scowl on his face, and honestly, Poe doesn’t think he could jump that far if he was offered a serious stack of credits for succeeding.

“If you say so,” Ben settles on. Pausing, Poe frowns at the back of the taller boy’s head. Ben’s been with them for almost three months now – Leia was on Coruscant, doing Senator-y things, and Han Solo had recommenced his career as a pilot ‘of dubious means,’ according to Shara, whatever that meant. Poe’s glad to have another kid almost his age, but if he’s being truthful, he preferred it when he didn’t have to compete for Rey’s attention.

Especially with someone so grumpy.

Like right now – Ben’s been here for almost three months, and he hasn’t bothered to go see the tree his uncle and Poe’s mother had planted. Rey had been filled to the brim with energy this morning though, and she only settled when both boys promised to accompany her to the tree. “It just feels important,” she had sighed, wistfully, and Poe had given in instantaneously (he was always planning on saying yes, because Rey’s his favorite person in the galaxy, after his parents, but sometimes he liked to be ‘bantha-headed,’ at least according to his dad). Ben took a little more wheedling, but he’d given in eventually too.

So, they head for the small break in the trees up ahead. It’s less than a ten minute walk from the compound but it feels like a different planet entirely when they get within five hundred feet of the tree. Poe likes to walk here by himself sometimes, close his eyes, and let his feet follow the path by themselves, while his ears attune themselves to the faint humming in the air.

The Force Tree is beautiful, and it’s Poe’s favorite place on Yavin 4. The tree gives off a faint blue glow, and threads of every color weave along the bark, the gnarled roots protruding from the ground here and there. A person can’t help but feel at peace under its branches, and Poe remembers the look of awe on Rey’s face when he’d shown her, two weeks after her arrival.

He remembers what she told him: _I’ve never seen trees before and now there’s so many – but this! This tree! This is my favorite one, Poe!_ They’d climbed the tree for an hour, and Poe had been thrilled someone who shared his fondness for green things had arrived on Yavin 4.

“Here it is!” Rey says, breaking the silence that had descending over their trio. “The tree!” She jumps into the clearing and spins in another grand circle, hands extended wide, the blue light catching on her buns. Poe smiles at her indulgently.

“It’s a tree.’ Ben says, boredly. “Wow. A tree. There aren’t many of those on this stupid rock.”

“Don’t say that,” Rey scolds Ben, frowning. “It’s important, Ben. Poe sees things in the Tree sometimes, and it’s important. I know you can feel it too. Don’t lie.” Poe’s face burns with embarrassment at Rey’s references to the dreams he sometimes has sitting under the Tree. Ben doesn’t need to know about that. No one does.

“It’s a stupid _kriffing_ tree,” Ben snarls, his arms crossed in front of his chest. “Dameron has no idea what he’s talking about.”

Something inside Poe’s chest hurts; he’s thought of Ben as a friend since he got here. Hearing him dismiss such an important part of Poe’s life like this – it hurts. He doesn’t know why, but it hurts.

“No,” Rey shouts. “ _You_ don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

“And what would you really know,” Ben spits. “You’re just a filthy little _scavenger._ ” Rey flinches as if Ben had rushed forward and slapped her. Poe steps forward, between them, frowning at Ben even though he has no idea what he just said.

“Hey now,” Poe says warningly. “We’re not here to fight.” Ben rolls his eyes, but Rey bursts into tears and runs away from them both, through the other side of the clearing towards the Temple.

“Baby,” Ben mutters, but when Poe looks at him, he looks incredibly guilty.

“You stay away from her,” Poe snaps. He turns without another word and sprints after his friend.

***

“Papa?” Poe asks when his dad came in to kiss him goodnight. “Papa, what’s a scavenger?” Kes straightens up and looks at his son in surprise.

“Where did you hear that word?” He asks, instead of answering.

“Ben called Rey a _filthy scavenger_ today.” Poe wrinkles his nose, and he knows his instincts were right at the look of brief anger and frustration on his father’s face. “She was really upset about it, but I didn’t want to ask her what it meant. I told Ben to switch off, and I made him leave us alone for the rest of the day.”

“Sweet boy,” Kes ruffles his hair affectionately and kisses him on the forehead. He gestures at his son to lie down, and Poe does; his father pulls the blanket up to his chin and leaves his hand on Poe’s face. “You were right to take Rey away from the problem. She – she is lucky to have a friend like you.”

“So what does it mean?” Poe presses, still curious.

“I will tell you, my sweet boy,” Kes says. “Not only because you turn ten soon– you’re almost a man, and I am getting old– but also because I know you would never, ever use it to hurt Rey. Right?”

“I’d never,” Poe swears, eyebrows lifted clean to the top of his forehead. “Never, papá. She’s my best friend. I’d never hurt her.” Kes pinches his cheek softly and smiles at him.

“I know, mijo.” Kes clears his throat and turns so he’s resting his elbows on his knees. He takes a steadying breath, staring at the floor. Poe’s immediately concerned for his father, and he sits up, the blanket falling back off his body while he grips his father’s arm. Kes squeezes Poe’s hand and smiles at him, eyes a little tighter than normal. “Mijo,” he begins. “There are some very, very cruel people in the galaxy. Your mother and I, and your aunt and uncle, and Luke, and Bodhi – we all gave a lot of ourselves to fight that cruelty, and the evil it turns into. And we did a damn good job beating it back.” Poe doesn’t blink at the curse word, although internally he thrills at Kes swearing so casually in front of him. It makes him feel older, more sophisticated, more respected.

“So,” Kes sighs. “We destroy the Death Star, we defeat the Sith, we bring the Jedi back from extinction. But. There is still evil, and there always will be.” Poe nods, not really understanding. _Everything in my life is so good,_ he realizes. Poe’s never seen evil; and, as a typically good-natured and sunny child with a big family who’s done nothing but love him, he’s been surrounded by what Luke refers to as “an unnatural but awe-inspiring amount of Light.”

(Luke had taken him to the side room for a test last year, a small prick of the finger, and a fast scan of the drop of the blood through a handheld device. Poe had been dismissed after, a look of confusion on Luke’s face. He’d snuck back downstairs an hour later to hear Shara fighting with the Jedi, something about _his reading is inconclusive, Shar, he probably needs training_ and _you said pilots are usually sensitive Luke, but not all pilots are Jedi,_ and _it’ll be your choice ultimately,_ and the most confusing, _as a Jedi or something else, your son has a major role to play in the fate of us all_. Poe tries not to think about it. Ever)

Kes coughs, and it drags Poe back from the memory. “We didn’t destroy evil, mijo, as much as we tried, and it still exists throughout the galaxy as abuse, and greed, and corruption – and slavery.”

Slavery. Poe knows the word from his lessons, and he knows the twist in his gut is a natural reaction to something so horrific. His brain begins to put it together. “So you’re saying –” He trails off, sweating under his collar suddenly.

“Rey was found on Jakku,” Kes says softly, turning to hold both Poe’s hands in his own, Poe’s legs under the blanket, Kes’s feet still planted on the floor. “A desert planet with very little natural life. It was an Outer Rim planet, and slavery was – is – a major problem on those worlds. She was a scavenger, Poe – which means she was sent out into the desert to collect scrap metal, and the only way she could eat or get water was to present enough material to the man who…who owned her.”

Poe wants to throw up. “You can’t own people,” he snaps, angrily. “No one could own Rey.”

“No,” Kes smiles at him. “No, you’re right, people aren’t supposed to be owned. But, they are, all around the galaxy, and it’s something your mother and Uncle Luke and Aunt Leia are still working on to this day. The fight for what’s good doesn’t end just because the physical war did, Poe. We have to keep going.”

Poe nods, miserably. “But dad,” he mumbles. “Rey was four or five when she got here, I thought. She was doing that when she was that young?”

“Her life was very hard, Poe,” Kes says. “It was very difficult for her to survive, and she had to do impossible things to keep alive, and she saw things no one should see at any age, especially that young.”

“I’m going to punch Ben tomorrow,” Poe says decisively. “So, I’m sorry in advance.”

“Your mother’s talking to Ben right now, I think,” Kes lets go of Poe’s hand and stares at the door for a moment. “He’s…there’s no excuse for him being cruel to Rey, and I’ll be talking to him about it – there will be consequences – but, Poe…you are a very happy boy, my sweetest boy.” He cups his jaw briefly in his warm hand, and Poe leans into his father’s touch. “And I am so glad that you do not know how to be cruel, and that you do not know darkness. Ben is not so lucky, Poe. Be compassionate. And we’ll make sure your aunt and uncle know Rey was teased about her past so they can talk to her about it, okay? Don’t worry about anything else.”

“Okay,” Poe grumbles. He’s probably still going to punch Ben. _Bastard,_ he thinks, a thrill going down his spine at even the thought of a curse word. It definitely fits the moment, though.

The next day, before he has a chance to knock Ben onto his butt in defense of his best friend, the young Solo walks up to Rey while she’s playing with Poe, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” he mutters. “I was in a bad mood, and I felt bad the second I said it. ‘M really sorry, Rey. Please forgive me?”

She looks up at him, up and away from the game of sabacc she’d challenged Poe to (and he doesn’t for the life of him know how someone so young can be so good at gambling – she’d even beat her dad last week, and Uncle Cass _was a spy_ ), and she frowns at him. Poe holds his breath, ready to leap up and drag Ben from the room if he has to, no matter what his papa says about ‘compassion,’ but Rey stands up quickly, gracefully.

“I already forgave you,” Rey says, holding her hand out to Ben, clearly expecting a handshake. Ben stares at her hand for a second, and then knocks it aside to pull her into a hug. He dwarfs her, already tall and gangly in a way Poe can tell he himself never will be, and Rey disappears into his arms when they wrap around her.

Poe feels very, very strangely about Rey’s forgiveness of Ben. He feels like he’s watching it, but seeing something else too, something not quite there, at least not yet – when Rey forgives Ben, it feels like it’s happened before, it’s happening now, and it will happen again.

He feels like Ben doesn’t deserve Rey’s forgiveness.

***

A month before Poe turns eleven, the worst happens.

Shara Bey, while piloting a flight transporting refugees from a planet still shaking economically and physically from the ravages of the War, catches a rare disease.

Words about ‘slow decline,’ and ‘terminal,’ and ‘nothing to be done,’ are said, but Poe doesn’t look up when Luke tells him. Master Skywalker had taken him outside after the Medical Officers showed up with his mother on a floating stretcher, and he feels like his heart is being squeezed in a wampa’s claws.

He feels weird. Not sad. Just. Weird.

“You’re wrong,” he tells Luke, simply. When he finally looks up at the Jedi, there’s a smile of sympathy on his lined face. “My mother can’t die. She wouldn’t die. She has other stuff to do. You’ll see.”

“It’s never wrong to hope,” Luke says, kindly. He holds his hands out, and Poe takes them, feeling tears start to burn at the back of his throat. “But, sweet boy,” his father’s nickname sounds odd in Luke’s mouth, or maybe that’s just the ringing in his ears, “don’t let hope trick you into not preparing for what’s to come. Because that’s not hope. That’s lying to yourself, and that can hurt worse than you ever expect.”

Poe nods, and then he starts to cry, weakly. Luke pulls him into his lap, and he holds Poe while inside Kes Dameron stares down a parallel grief as he holds his wife’s already cold hand.

***

Shara Bey dies at 0530 (and Poe never liked the morning, really), on a Centaxday. Poe hadn’t left her room in two weeks, curled up at the foot of her bed, reading holo-novels to her when her arms got too tired to hold the book up, her eyes too tired to stay open. His father sat in the chair at her bedside for the first week, and then transitioned to lying next to his wife, careful with the wires and tubes, after the Medical Officer said, in what was surely an attempt to be kind, “ _it really couldn’t make it any worse, Captain._ ”

Kes did not share in the responsibility of reading aloud. He often didn’t talk, just held his wife and kissed her forehead, and whispered things into her ear that Poe couldn’t hear, and didn’t want to. Once, when he fell asleep with his head on his mother’s shins, he woke up to the soft sounds of his father crying, and his mother softly singing to him in Yavinese.

He didn’t think he’d ever be able to sleep again, after that.

It had been a pretty decent night, the night before. Shara had sat up by herself and laughed when Poe read her a joke book - “Han Solo told that one better,” she scolded her husband when he attempted to read one aloud - and she’d kissed him on both cheeks before he fell asleep tangled around her.

Around 04:00, the machines around her bed (the ones Poe had tried his hardest to ignore) started to beep worryingly, and his father had startled awake, already crying before he was even aware. Poe was half-asleep still when Uncle Cassian swept in, picked him up, and carried him away.

He didn’t get to say goodbye; by 05:30, Shara Bey was dead.

***

The funeral passed in a blur. He stands next to his father, and Rey and Ben stand behind him. He hasn’t spoken to either of them in two weeks. Ben had disappeared when Shara got sick - he went to live with the Andors, briefly - and Rey had come by once, only to be ushered out of the room by her red-eyed mother when Kes started crying.

After the ceremony, when the dirt has been returned to its spot, obscuring the box that hides his mother from view, Cassian and Jyn each grab one of Kes’s arms and lead him inside. He hasn’t spoken since Luke read the ritual words of farewell, and he’s staring into space as if nothing in the galaxy exists anymore: not even Poe.

It begins to rain while Kes walks inside, but Poe makes no move to go inside. He’s distantly aware of Ben asking him if he’s okay, but that stops after a while, and the taller boy heads inside as well. The rain picks up until it’s almost a monsoon, and Poe turns and walks past the solitary figure that remains outside with him, without really bothering to look to see who it is; he walks, and walks, destination obvious but not fully decided upon in his own head; he walks across the compound, into the trees, praying that he’ll be swallowed up by the rain, by the ground, by anything.

Poe comes to a halt at the edge of the Force Tree’s shade.

His best clothes are ruined, he knows, as the torrents of rain pour into his collar, flattening it permanently. His hair is plastered to his head, his tears inextricably linked with the rain, the rain his mother had loved – _no, don’t think about her, that will only make it_ –

The presence that’d he’d noted on his walk over finally makes itself known. A small, warm hand slips into his. He looks over:

Rey Andor holds his hand. “It’s okay, Poe,” she says, the rain slipping into her mouth even as she talks to him. “Papa told me it’s okay to cry when you’re sad.” She puts her other hand over his heart. “You didn’t lose her, not in here. She’s somewhere else now, and that’s sad. But it’ll be worse if you don’t let yourself feel sad.”

Poe opens his mouth to argue with her, because little Rey Andor’s been an odd-Porg for as long as he can remember, but suddenly the seven year old with the big eyes and the propensity for risk-taking is talking a lot more sense than any of the grownups.

He opens his mouth to argue, but what comes out is a sob, and Rey holds her arms out for him. Even though her head fits under his chin – she’s pretty much the only person shorter than he is on this moon, but his mother swore to him he’d be taller than her one day and now that’s never going to happen – he feels safe, protected, cared for, all the things he swore to make sure Rey felt when she got here two years ago. Rey clutches his shoulder blades, her arms too short to reach all the way around, and Poe clings to her, sobbing under the Tree, the only thing he has left of his mother, that and the ring tucked away in his room, the ring his mother had placed in his palm six days before she – before she –

“Don’t fight it,” Rey whispers. “Poe, it’s okay to be sad.” Poe sobs, nonsensically, and Rey hums in understanding, barely audible over the increasing rain that’s blanketing them, the rain that’s falling through the leaves of every tree on Yavin 4, the sky matching him tear for tear, the tree rustling from the sheer _force_ of it –

The tree rustles one more time, and the leaves around them kick up with it –

Something rolls over his eyes, not blacking out what he can see, but changing it –

Rey’s under the tree, but she’s older, taller, beautiful – Poe’s there too, and he’s older, and not that much taller, honestly. He’s wearing all orange, sort of like the suit that his mother wore in old holo-clips with Bodhi and Luke, and Rey wears brown – they both wear flowers in their hair, and they’re surrounded by bright, impossible light that cuts through this day’s downpour.

He doesn’t know what they’re doing, he doesn’t know why they’re there, but he knows one thing: this Poe and Rey are happy, in a way he wouldn’t think possible after today. They’re happy, and that gives him reason to hope.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Connections


	3. Connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Kes adjust to life without Shara; Rey celebrates her eighth birthday in style; several years pass, and Ben Solo grows more conflicted until his powers are undeniable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place from years 18 ABY - 20 ABY (Poe aged ~11 to 14)
> 
> References to loss of loved ones and periods of mourning, other than that, this should be less upsetting than chapter 2
> 
> Mild violence (unintentional) at the end, with a nongraphic, non-life threatening injury.

Kes Dameron has always been the most energetic person in the galaxy, always one to have his next activity planned, never a moment of dullness, always something new, always moving, always laughing; after Shara Bey dies, Kes Dameron does not get out of bed for almost a month.

Jyn Erso comes over more days than not during that month: but, Rey gets sick when Uncle Cassian is off-world with Ben Solo, and Kay’s gone with them, and there’s three days where Jyn can’t make it over to the Dameron compound. Three days where Poe walks into his parents’ bedroom – his father’s bedroom, now, he guesses – and he swallows his own tears to ask how his papá is doing; three days where he’s met with no response; three days where he tries to figure out how to cook things beyond veg-meat and portion bread; three days where he brings food to his father and leaves it on the bedside table; three days of praying to the Force to not take his father, too.

When he’s not sitting outside his papá’s door on those three days, he’s at the Force tree, praying – he prays that his mother found peace when she moved on, he prays that his father will come back to him, soon, and he prays that whatever illness Rey has, she isn’t stolen away in the night like his mamá.

Poe forgets to cry by the end of those unbearably quiet three days, but when Rey appears on his front step on the third day, he bursts into tears and hugs his friend close. Jyn sweeps in, moving around her daughter and Poe, and storms up the stairs. Rey continues to hug Poe tightly, and she tells him that it was just a cold, just a silly cold, but he can barely focus on what she's saying, not when he can hear Jyn Erso yell at Kes Dameron from the entrance to his house. Poe stiffens, but Rey whispers, “she isn’t mad, she’s just worried,” and he nods miserably and buries his face back in Rey’s shoulder because Force, he’s worried too.

( _ “This is not what Shar would have wanted!”  _ he hears Jyn shout.  _ “You are not respecting her legacy by lying here, by letting your child take care of you. He needs you, Kes. We need you. You do not honor your wife by abandoning your son.” _ )

Kes Dameron comes back downstairs three hours later, comes into the kitchen where Poe’s drinking a glass of blue milk, resting his head on Jyn’s shoulder while Rey cleans some dishes in the sink.

“Hey, mijo,” his dad mutters. “I’m so sorry about –” Poe knocks his glass over in his haste to rush to his papá. He hugs him so tightly, he’s worried his own arms might break, but after a pause, Kes hugs him too. They all sit down around the table, and Jyn gives his father a Look, and Kes nods at her, a conversation not readily translatable by children passing between them.

“Right, well,” Jyn glares at the stove. “I’m miserable at cooking, so unless you want me to burn your house down, Dameron, you better feed us.” Kes laughs, once, a rusted sound, but he gets up and cooks something simple. Jyn beckons Poe over while his father clangs pots and pans around, and she pats his cheek and tells him to run back to her house with Rey and get some items. Poe nods, happy to be useful, happy to see his papá up and moving, and scampers out the door with Rey at his heels.

Dinner isn’t rowdy, by any means, but there are people in his house again, conversations again – Rey makes his dad laugh twice, in the way that only Rey can make people laugh, and Poe smiles at all of them, smiles, warm and happy and cozy, and he sets his head down on the table halfway through the meal, letting the glow of everything pass over him.

He wakes up in his bed, and his dad’s sitting on the floor next to him, stroking his hair.

“Sorry, papá" he mutters, embarrassed that he had to be carried to bed.

“Don’t be—” His dad starts to cry. Poe, still half-awake, tries to make sense of his father finally crying, when he hasn’t since the funeral. “Don’t be sorry, mijo. I’m so sorry that I left you. Please forgive me.”

“You came back,” Poe says, scooting over so there’s room for Kes. “Please don’t leave again.”

“I won’t.”  Kes lies down next to him, crying, and Poe cries too, and they hold each other until Poe falls asleep again. It’s agony to see and hear his father cry, and it rips something open in him again, but when he wakes up, he feels less underwater than he has for a month. Poe takes a deep breath and looks out the window and sees Yavin rising over the moon his mother loved enough to ask her husband to build a home there, and he smiles to himself.

That day, his father helps him find an old silver necklace of his mother’s, sturdy, used for holding military ID – and they thread her wedding ring on it. Kes slips the necklace over Poe’s head and fastens it securely.

“I’ll never take it off,” Poe vows, fiddling with the ring where it rests under his collarbone. “Ever.”

“I think you will, one day. Your mother wanted you to give it to your perfect partner.” Kes smiles at him.

“Partner?” Poe wrinkles his nose. “Like Rey?”

A strange expression crosses his father’s face. “Maybe,” he says carefully. “Or maybe someone else. The kind of love I’m talking about, you won’t be able to ignore. It’ll become part of who you are, the most important part of who you are, and you’ll never be able to live a day without them, not without feeling their absence in your soul.” He taps Poe’s chest over his heart and smiles at him. Kes kisses the top of his head and leaves his bedroom, wiping his eyes (clearly too soon to be talking about partners), and he leaves Poe to ponder this new information.

Namely, he leaves Poe to ponder over the fact that the description of a perfect partner describes Rey, his closest companion, his best friend, and he doesn’t really know what to do with that.

***

When Rey Andor turns eight, they have a party.

Cassian was the one who insisted –  _ we need something to celebrate!  _ He had roared – and he’d sent out invitations to all their favorite people. Poe wears his best jacket and pants, and even combs his hair (well, Kes combs his hair for him, both of them grumbling over the way the brush snags in Poe’s curls, and then as payback, his father lets Poe take the brush and comb his hair in return). They walk carefully over to the Erso-Andor compound, picking over exposed roots and studiously avoiding muddy puddles.

When they arrive, the party’s just beginning. Luke Skywalker is there, laughing at something a handsome black man is saying. “That’s Lando Calrissian,” his dad mutters. “He and Cassian fight a lot, but he’s good people. I bet he’s here because Jyn has a soft spot for him.” Lando looks over and sees Kes and Poe, and he winks. Poe, all of eleven years old, blushes and thinks about hiding behind his dad’s legs.

Before he can, two familiar faces appear. “Uncle Chirrut!” Poe yelps, excitedly. “Uncle Baze!”

“Little Brother!” Baze roars. He scoops Poe up, not caring that Poe’s getting to be almost as tall as his dad, now, and spins him in a circle.

“Hello, young one,” Chirrut says, much more mildly than his husband. Poe beams at both of them, and Chirrut smiles widely. “Still have that gap in your teeth?”

Poe’s fingers automatically go to the small space in his front teeth. “You can see that?” he asks, mystified. “Do you know everything?”

Chirrut’s cloudy eyes wrinkle at the corner while he smiles deeper. “Do not be mistaken, young one, there are many things I do not know. Like, where the cake is.”

“That would be, inside in the ice box, Chirrut.” Cassian walks up, his arm slung around his tiny wife’s shoulders. There’s a circle of grown-ups around the Damerons, and Kes already looks tired, but when Poe squeezes his hand, his papá smiles at him.

“Uncle Cass, where’s Rey?” Poe asks, standing on tiptoe to try to see over all the heads of the adults. Ben Solo’s a few dozen feet away, his war hero father standing next to him. Neither one is smiling, but they don’t look unhappy either. Ben’s showing his father something on a holo-pad, and Han looks impressed, if nothing else. Leia Organa is another dozen feet away from them, laughing at something Davits is saying, and Mon Mothma (maybe one of the few adult friends of his father that he  _ doesn’t  _ call Aunt. He doesn’t think anyone would dare, honestly) stands with them looking graciously amused.

“She’s with Kay,” Cassian answers. “Over on the other side of the house.”

Poe looks up at Kes, who nods at him, smiling. “Go say hi to the birthday girl,” he encourages his son, releasing his hand. Poe waits a second, trying to determine if his dad’s actually okay with being alone, and then he remembers that Kes is surrounded by people who love him. Poe nods then, eagerly, and takes off in the direction Cass indicated.

He finds the massive droid first, standing more than head and shoulders above the crowd. Kay’s got a crown made of flowers on his head, and Rey’s sitting with her legs on either side of his neck.

“Rey!” Poe shouts eagerly. “Happy birthday, Rey!” He stumbles to a halt at Kay’s legs, and he trades a wild grin with his best friend.

“Poe Dameron,” Kay says sternly. The effect is somewhat mitigated by the birthday girl on his shoulders and the pretty crown on his head. “Did you bring a present?”

“Poe doesn’t have to bring me a present, Kay” Rey tells the droid, patting his head cheerfully. Poe’s neck hurts from craning upwards this much. “Him being here is a present.”

“You are too kind, Princess Rey.” Kay kneels down, and Rey slides off, and hugs Poe quickly. Poe looks up at Kay, who even while kneeling is a solid foot and a half taller than he is. “What she said is something that polite people say to make rude people feel better about not bringing presents.”

Poe scowls at Kay who looks entirely unbothered by the expression.

“Kay,” Rey scolds, giggling anyway.

“Princess?” Poe asks, grinning.

“All little girls are princesses on their birthday,” Kay says serenely. “Everyone knows that…idiot.”

“Kay!” Rey pokes him in the side, and Kay heaves a mighty sigh.

“I will go and find something else to do, where I am actually wanted,” he says in a bored monotone, standing back up and walking off to torment Cassian instead.

Rey and Poe run around the party after that, sneaking sweets off the dessert table even before dinner is served, avoiding scoldings from Jyn. At one point, they convince Cassian to engage in a game of smugglers and officers with them, and Han Solo even joins in - Poe and Rey collapse giggling when Han pretends to take a blaster to the gut and he kneels over moaning that he’s going to die, dramatically gasping for air, begging his wife for one last kiss.

“Big baby,” his wife sniffs, after she walked over to examine his death throes. “It’s like you’re not even trying.”

“Leia,” Han gasps, reaching up for his wife. “Avenge...me…” Something flickers in the senator’s face, and Poe watches, amazed, as a look of woe descends over her delicate features.

“Noooooo!” She cries, picking up the stick Han was using as a blaster. “We will not forget this day, dear husband!” Leia then chases Poe clean across the compound, and when she catches him, she makes him surrender by reciting the actual treaty conditions (thank the gods he paid attention in his history lessons) imposed upon the Empire fourteen years ago. She bows mockingly at the end and extends her hand to him, and Poe trips over himself on the way back to the party, blushing half from the applause that arises from the group due to his valiant attempt at escape, and half from the prettiest woman in the galaxy holding his hand.

After that, the adults move inside to do adult things, and Rey, Ben, and Poe wander off to the corner of the compound.

Poe’s eyes widen when they come up on a clearing that houses a ship. Not just any ship, but -

“The Millennium Falcon,” Poe breathes in wonder.

“That’s not a very good ship,” Rey wrinkles her nose in distaste. “Why’s it all beat up? I thought it was supposed to be the best ship in the galaxy?”

“It is!” Poe and Ben roar at the same time, outraged. 

“Eh,” Rey cocks her head at it and then grins, clearly plotting something. “Could we go inside, Ben? Please?” She smiles at him, and Ben softens automatically, even though Poe’s pretty definitely absolutely sure that Han Solo has a “no unauthorized touching of the Falcon” rule.

“Sure thing,” he grins back at her and walks up to the entrance, keys in an access code, and he bows deeply when the hatch hisses open. “My lady,” he gestures to the entry, and Rey giggles while she walks up the ramp. “Coming, Dameron?” Ben doesn’t wait for a response and follows Rey inside.

“This can’t be good,” Poe mutters to himself, but follows his friends onboard after looking around wildly for an adult to put a stop to this.  _ I’m just going to keep them out of trouble,  _ he reasons.  _ That’s why I’m going.  _

Truthfully, the Falcon is a bit of an obsession for him, and he walks around wonderingly, soaking it all up, taking it all in, for a few minutes before he walks back to Ben and Rey, who are examining the controls in the cockpit. Ben’s pointing some things out to Rey, chest literally puffed out with pride at her  _ ooo _ ’s of excitement, and Poe’s gut feels decidedly weird. 

The feeling passes in a second, after Rey settles herself down at the controls, sitting in a seat that might as well have  _ Property of Han Solo  _ physically emblazoned across the back. Ben moves to the side while Rey starts to fiddle with the console, and Poe moves forward.

“You’re not actually thinking about flying this, right?” Poe asks, fairly sure that Rey’s just playing around.

She doesn’t answer, but her hands move faster.

“Rey,” Poe says warningly. Rey looks over at him, hands flying over the console. She smiles at him evilly, and goes back to what she was doing.

“ _ Rey, _ ” Poe tries again. She slides her eyes over, sneakily, and grins at him, slow and wide. “Rey Andor, you step away from those controls right now.” Rey reaches out without looking and flips a switch with gusto.

Nothing happens.

A long arm reaches between Poe and his would be ship-jacker friend and points at a switch up and to the left. “Compressor,” Ben says. Rey grins at him and then lifts off her seat to flip that, too. The Falcon’s engines rumble to life, and Rey whoops as they lift off the landing gear.

Poe turns around and scowls at Ben. “We really shouldn’t be here,” he directs at Rey while frowning at the younger Solo. “C’mon Ben, back me up here.”

“She’s the birthday girl,” Ben shrugs.  _ Useless _ .

“Well, then, I’m leaving,” Poe announces, beginning to walk away from the pilot chairs.

“No! Don’t go!” It’s silly how fast that gets him to stop moving. “I’ve never flown anything before, and you have.” Rey pouts at him, hands hovering over the console. “You need to be my co-pilot because you’ve got so much experience!”

‘Yeah, with X-Wings!” Poe cries, incredulously. “Not the Millennium Falcon!”

“Fine,” Rey sniffs, “Ben’s my co-pilot.”

“What?” Poe shouts, at the same time Ben says, “Cool!” there’s a mad scramble to claim the main co-pilots chair, and Poe uses his lower height to his advantage when he twists and ducks under Ben.

“Don’t think I won’t just sit on you, you nerf herder,” Ben threatens.

“I won’t be intimidated by you,” Poe sniffs indignantly. Ben scowls at him, but then Rey engages the thrusters and shouts:

“You might want to take a seat, boys!” 

And it’s definitely one of the more accurate things she’s ever said. The Falcon takes off quickly after that, Ben diving for the other chair, and it’s all Poe can do to cling to the sides of his chair and howl with laughter while Rey takes them on a dizzying joy ride around Yavin 4. 

“Your dad’s going to kill us,” Poe shouts at Ben, who looks green from the rockiness of the ride.

“If we don’t die up here first,” Ben shouts back, and the boys exchange a grin of comradery.

In the end, Han yells at them for about ten minutes while the rest of the party looks on in shock, but the stern nature of his lecture is a little undercut when he stops mid-rant to say, “How did you get the thing off the ground without being able to reach the secondary ion thrusters, kid?” And little Rey Andor gives him her most winning smile, takes him by the hand, and leads him into the cockpit. 

When they emerge five minutes later, she’s wearing a grin that Kes Dameron would describe as ‘poo-doo-eating,’ and Han looks beyond impressed - really, he’s bordering on charmed. There’s no more lecturing, and Poe even gets an affectionate ruffle of the hair from the war hero.

Poe’s exhilarated, and exhausted, and happy in a way he hasn’t been since his mother died, and when he sits next to Rey on her parents’ sofa, they fall asleep within minutes. He wakes up, unbothered and unmoved, in the middle of the night to find little Rey Andor snuggled into his side, both of them under a blanket a parent had thought to throw over them.

There’s a creak of metal in the darkness, and Poe looks over to see Kay staring at them.

“What are you doing, Kay?” Poe asks groggily.

“Making sure you do not steal any more ships,” the droid answers primly. “You are a bad influence on Rey, Poe Dameron.”

“What?” Poe hisses. “That was her idea!”

“Then why did you not stop her?” Kay asks, obviously disbelieving him.

“Because, if I go with her, I can keep her safe,” Poe answers honestly.

The droid considers this for a second before saying: “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. It would have been safer to keep her on the ground.” He stands up and walks away, and Poe dozes back off. He forgets the conversation by the time he wakes up in the morning.

***

The next few years pass with relative routine and happiness. Rey joins Poe for tutoring lessons, and soon demonstrates a remarkable aptitude for everything mechanical. She helps Cassian repair droids and ships, and Jyn teaches her how to break codes (and Jyn only ever smiles at Rey like that, Poe realizes, only ever smiles like the sun is rising on just one person - well, she smiles at Rey  _ and  _ Cassian like that, to be honest). Poe takes more and more solo flights, and Leia even lets him fly her around the moon once in a brand new ship that she then reveals is a gift for him. Poe stammers and blushes, and Leia gives him a hug.

She whispers, “You need to practice because one day, I’m going to need a pilot like you.” It’s an odd thing to say, and Poe feels a weird twist in his stomach, sort of like the feeling he gets when the Force tree shows him something. Leia pats him on the cheek and leaves an hour later, but Poe’s left wondering at the meaning of her words. He takes Ben and Rey up for a flight the next day, chasing the sunset, and no matter what his worries are about Leia’s enigmatic statement, they fade the second the light of Yavin hits Rey’s face, illuminating her features while she gasps in awe. 

He still spends all his time with Rey, and Ben often follows them on their adventures - he and Poe trade off on acting as the voice of reason to Rey’s harebrained schemes - and their friendship is probably the most important thing in Poe’s possession, excepting his mother’s ring. Poe knows what to expect, and he knows they make him happy, and no matter what worries he has for the future, no matter what the tree shows him, he knows that he loves his friends. 

By the time Rey’s ten, and Poe’s fourteen though, one thing becomes perfectly clear:

Not everything is okay with Ben Solo.

He’s prone to fits of rage and dark moods, now that he’s thirteen. Poe thinks that this arguably started a year ago, when Ben was twelve - he was always, always moody, the moon to Rey’s sun in Poe's life - and when he asks his dad about it one day when they’re cleaning up after dinner, Kes looks concerned.

“It happens sometimes during puberty,” he says, hesitantly. “Nothing to worry about, mijo.”

“I went through puberty,” Poe argues, not accepting that. “Still am, right? Am I like that?”

“Never,” Kes frowns at him. “No, you’ve always been my sweet boy, Poe.” Poe nods, not caring about the babyish nickname, never angry at his father for trying to show him he loves him, not after everything they’ve been through. “You can be an ass sometimes, but I got lucky with you.” 

Poe sticks his tongue out at him, and Kes splashes him with some dishwater, and they spend the next few minutes in an all out war. When Poe’s wiping the floor down afterwards, though, he realizes that his dad never really full talked about what Poe asked.

He watches Ben carefully on his own, after that. Once, he swore he saw a plate shatter five feet away from Ben, but after he thinks about it, he told himself it just fell, and it had nothing to do with Ben shouting about a policy of his mother’s that he didn’t agree with:

“They could be eradicating slavery so much faster,” Ben snarled, pounding his fist into his opposite palm. “If only they were bolder about punishing the people who enslaved others.” Then, the plate fell.

“Ben,” Rey said, after the plate had shattered, and Ben stared at it, stirred from his passion by the unexpected noise. “Ben, it’s okay.” She held her hands out, and Ben took them. Rey began to breathe, patiently, calmly, squeezing Ben’s hands, and he mimicked her breathing pattern until he was calmer. 

Ben was very slow in taking his hands away from Rey’s. Poe noticed that, too.

It comes to a head one day when Master Luke is over. Ben tenses the moment the planet hopper hits atmo, and Poe sees the change in his body language from clear across the compound.

Rey’s playing some sort of skipping game with a rope, and Ben’s holding the other end of the rope begrudgingly. He’d been smiling at Rey a minute ago, but when Luke’s ship appears, it’s hard to tell that Ben’s even capable of smiling. He looks furious.

Luke walks off the ramp, and Rey squeals and runs over to him, shouting, “Uncle Luke!” She jumps in his arms, and Luke stumbles back a bit (Rey’s still so impossibly thin, but she’s tall for ten years old, and Luke’s never been a big person). 

“Hey, kid,” he says fondly. Then, he looks up and locks eyes with his nephew. Between his warm welcome of Rey, and his focus on Ben, Poe might as well not even exist. “Ben, I need to talk to you.”

“Figures.” Ben snarls. 

“It’s nothing bad,” Luke says soothingly. “But it’s something I’ve put off for awhile, per your mother’s request.” Ben rolls his eyes and spins on his heel, storming off towards the forest. “Ben!” Luke shouts, walking after his nephew. “You can’t run away from this!” He walks past Poe, and Rey stumbles after him, coming to a halt at Poe’s side. 

Poe knows what’s going to happen, the second before it does.

“Stay away from me!” It’s Ben’s voice, but not. Three trees, the ones closest to Ben, snap clean in half. They explode, the bark shattering outward, the shrapnel firing across the clearing violently. 

“No!” Luke roars. Poe doesn’t see the fallout, doesn’t see Master Luke direct parts of the explosion from a now-unconscious Ben, because when he saw what was going to happen, he dove for Rey, knocking her to the ground and covering her with his body.

Cassian and Jyn sprint out of their house, running for them, and Poe rolls off of Rey when he’s sure the explosion is over. Luke’s crouched over his nephew, testing his pulse, and Cassian’s near hysterical, checking Rey for injury. Poe’s ears ring painfully.

“I’m fine, papa,” Rey grumbles, sitting up and shoving her dad away. “Really, I’m fine, Poe protected me.”

“Good man,” Jyn says fondly, reaching out to ruffle Poe’s hair. She stops just short of his head, eyes wide. Poe can’t focus on Jyn’s face for very long, because his back hurts. His back really hurts, his back - 

He looks around, sees a piece of bark the size of his hand sticking out of the middle of his lower back. 

“Is Rey alright?” He asks, weakly.  _ Did we already talk about that?  _ he wonders. That’s the last thing he thinks before the dark rushes over his eyes - the last thing he sees is Rey reaching out for him.  _Oh good,_ he thinks nonsensically.  _She's safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter:  
> Separation


	4. Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is sent away; a strange connection develops between him and Rey, unbeknownst to any; Poe doesn't approve of Ben's worldviews, especially where Rey is concerned; Rey develops some troubling behaviors; Poe joins the Navy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ABY 20-24 (Poe, aged 14-18. Rey aged 10-14)
> 
> Warnings:A 16 year old is obsessed (over her power/potential) with a 13 year old. Mild violence.

Poe wakes up in his own bedroom, lying on his side while his dad clutches his hands.

His back burns, and he opens his mouth to tell someone, but all that comes out is a strangled scream.

“Don’t move,” Kes begs him, crying. “The doctor is here, Poe, but it will hurt for a few minutes more. Why is he awake?” The last question is barked at someone behind Poe.

“Because you insisted I not put him under,” a calm but firm female voice answers. “He was unconscious for the worst of it, Captain, I suggest you distract him while I finish removing the shrapnel.”

“Where’s Rey?” Poe begs, fighting through the pain. “Where’s—” The woman behind him does something that causes the burning to increase ten-fold, and he bites his lip to fight the scream, but it fades within thirty seconds, soon replaced by an oddly distant throbbing.

“She’s safe, mijo,” Kes strokes sweaty hair out of Poe’s eyes. “You protected her from the worst of it.”

“Good,” Poe says. He tries to smile, but he isn’t sure it actually happens. “And Ben?”

Kes frowns, but it isn’t out of anger. “He’s okay. But Luke took him,” his father answers. “He’s gone to the Jedi Temple. It’s been a plan in the making for a while. I know you’ve noticed, Poe, but Ben hasn’t been doing well for a while now.”

Poe nods, a miniscule movement due to his exhaustion. The person behind comes around to kneel at his side. She’s an older woman, older than Aunt Leia and Jyn, and she looks kind, so Poe smiles at her. “Thank you,” he says. “My name’s Poe, by the way.”

“In pain, and still so polite.” She laughs. “I’m Dr. Kalonia. With an attitude like that, my boy, I would take you with me back to base if I could.” Kes rolls his eyes at that. “Teach all those soldiers what it means to be brave.”

“Don’t feel very brave,” Poe mutters, closing his eyes. “Hurts.”

“It will for a while,” Kalonia tells him. When Poe opens his eyes, she’s handing a holo-pad over to Kes. “Those are instructions to make sure he heals properly. Leia called me here on a favor, but I really do have to get back to base. He’ll make a full recovery if he takes the time to heal.”

“Keeping a Dameron confined to bed rest,” Kes laughs and examines the instructions. “How hard could that be?” Even in his haze, Poe sees Kalonia pinch his father’s ear, which makes him laugh, and Kes yelp.  The doctor leaves and Poe dozes off, but when he wakes up, his father is gone.

In his place is Cassian Andor.

Poe’s half-awake, but he still can see tears shining on Cassian’s face. “Thank you,” the man whispers. Poe isn’t sure if Uncle Cass knows he’s awake. “Thank you.”

Poe reaches his hand out, slowly, and Cassian clings to it, shoulders shaking, but no sound escaping while he cries. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her,” he admits after a few moments.

Cassian’s always been a little on edge, Poe knows, but this is an entirely new side to him. He knows what – almost – happened on Scarif, knows that Jyn and Cass almost died within days of falling in love, knows that they sacrificed a lot for the Rebellion. But, they’ve both been cavalier about the stories in the past, joking around with Luke about the days between the Battles of Yavin and Endor.

Now, in the soft light from the neighboring moons, he thinks he can see the cracks, the scars of war that might not ever go away.

“Don’t worry, Uncle Cass,” Poe mumbles. “I’ll die before I let something happen to Rey. She’s my best friend.” This makes Cassian cry harder, and he presses a kiss into Poe’s palm. Poe frowns (he really doesn’t want his uncle to cry), but he’s pulled back under by sleep before he can offer any words of comfort.

***

It takes weeks for Poe to fully heal, and Rey bounces around his room after the second day of bed rest. Apparently she’d been raring to see him since the second he was taken away for medical examination, but Jyn had held her back, not wanting her to disturb Poe.

It’s silly, really, because Poe doesn’t start to feel better until Rey rockets into his room and talks at the speed of light. She opens the windows to the sun and perches at his bedside and reads him story after story and brings him pieces of the forest until he has a veritable garden on his side table –

They both miss Ben, and they talk about it sometimes, but never when an adult is around.

They aren’t really allowed to talk about Ben when an adult is around.

***

A few years pass, and Rey gets taller, but then Poe gets taller, but then she gets taller _again_ – they play tag with their heights, but by the time Poe’s 16 and Rey’s newly 13, he’s a comfortable three inches taller than she is, something he gloats over very briefly before she reminds him that in another year or two, she might be picking him up and putting him on things.

“I might enjoy that,” Poe points out, while they lie on the grass side by side. He rolls until half his weight is draped on her, and she groans and smacks at his side. “I’ll probably make you carry me everywhere.”

“Spoiled little princeling,” Rey sniffs. Then, somehow, she throws him off of her with barely any pressure, and Poe rolls several times from the push. He stares at her in surprise, and she stares back, equally shocked.

They don’t talk about that, either.

They don’t talk about the moments where Rey goes silent (in his head, Poe calls them _shadows,_ because that’s what they are, shadow that obscure Rey’s natural sunlight), and her head cocks to the side as if she’s listening to something Poe can’t hear. At the beginning, she only looked distracted, and Poe had teased her the first time because it had happened when they were doing astronautical figures (“ _Bored already, Andor?”)_ , but she’d shaken her head and looked so scared (“ _Something doesn’t feel right, Poe_ ”) that he hadn’t teased her again.

These days, she looks unbearably sad in her shadow moments – which have grown more and more frequent as she got older – and by the time Ben’s allowed to visit them again, three years after he left, they happen almost twice a week.

They really, really don’t talk about it.

***

Ben’s taller now than either Poe or Rey can ever hope to be – he’s almost as tall as his father, and only promises to grow taller, apparently.

He’s 16, and not as moody as he was before. But he isn’t as nice, either, Poe notices quickly.

Still, he’s given leave from his training to visit Yavin 4 for two weeks, around Festival time, and Poe, Rey, and Ben quickly fall into their old ways. Rey’s faster than both of them now, and she climbs trees better than the Woolamanders, but Ben’s stronger than both of them, and often shows off his Jedi-skills.

“That’s what you were hiding before?” Poe asks, incredulously, when Ben lifts an X-Wing with only a wave of his hand. “Damn, Solo.” Ben blushed, and it only deepened when Rey poked him in the arm.

Poe can’t help but notice that Rey doesn’t have a single shadow moment when Ben is visiting. The naïve part of him thinks that maybe Ben makes it better; the naïve part of him blames himself for not being able to make it better when it’s just him and Rey.

They’re all sitting under the Force tree towards the end of Ben’s visit when Poe notices it.

It’s a picnic kind of day, where they’re all lounging in the hot sun, seeking shelter under the tree that Shara Bey had planted (and Poe comes out here at least three times a week, to soak in what’s left of his mother’s presence, the ring burning against his skin – the only other time it burns is when he brushes against Rey, a fact he studiously ignores, given their age difference because little Rey Andor is _a kid,_ and the Force isn’t trying to tell him anything, for gods’sakes). Poe brought a book, and Rey brought extra snacks, and Ben brought his own lame ass (so maybe Ben and Poe got into a fight at breakfast, and so maybe Poe had flinched when Ben raised his hand too quickly, and so maybe Poe feels inexplicably guilty about the look of hurt on Ben’s face).

Suddenly, something behind his gut tells Poe to look up from his holo-novel.

He does: and, Poe spies Ben watching Rey dance around the Tree with an unreadable expression on his face. Rey laughs happily, and the tree seems to shake down leaves of pure light in response, a cascade around her head while she twirls. Poe looks back Ben, still semi-smiling from the secondhand joy inspired by Rey.

That smile slides off his face when he places the expression on Ben’s: hunger.

It unsettles Poe for reasons he can’t even name. Everything on Ben’s face suggested that he thought Rey’s joy was of his own making; everything on Ben’s face suggested that he wanted to take Rey far away from the clearing; everything on Ben’s face reminds Poe of when they were younger, when he would feel strangely jealous of quiet moments shared between Ben and Rey.

The leaves that had swirled around Rey’s head are carried by an intangible wind to swirl around Ben, and his friends stare at each other, wide-eyed. The air shifts, and the tree hums, and Poe is left with the feeling that he’s intruding on something terribly private.

And he hates every second of it.

***

Ben leaves, and things go back to normal quickly.

The shadows grow more frequent, though, and Poe realizes that maybe it wasn't Ben's presence that soothed them - maybe it was just Ben in general that caused them.

When he tries to bring it up with Cassian, Rey's father shakes his head. "They have a special sort of connection, that's true," he says thoughtfully. "But, I think Luke would have said something if what you're saying was possible. I don't think he'd hide that, not after what happened with Ben three years ago." He ruffles Poe's hair and walks away, and Poe's left feeling strangely impotent.

Poe turns 18 without much aplomb, and he has his first real fight with his father when he announces that he's going to join the Navy.

"I'm a good pilot, papa," Poe yells that night in their compound. They've been fighting for hours. "Leia Organa herself said that I'd be needed. This is what I need to do. I need to help the galaxy heal."

"There are other ways to do that, mijo," Kes says, looking desperately sad. "If you do this, I can't follow you." 

"You won't lose me, papa," Poe suddenly understands his father's grief. He holds his arms out, and his father embraces him, tightly. "But I'll lose myself if I don't do this."

As hard as it was to tell his father, it's harder still to tell Rey. 

Namely because she walks away from him as soon as he tells her. They're sitting side by side in front of her house - Rey now 14, taller and more elegant, her hair permanently in a series of buns that Poe finds endearing and infuriating in equal measure - and when he says "I'm leaving in a month," she doesn't say a word, merely stands up and stalks into the forest. 

"That could have gone better," Jyn comments dryly from the front step of her house. Poe grimaces and nods. 

Rey comes back the next day - Cassian had gone slightly out of his mind in the night - and she catches a scolding, but at the end of it, she hugs an exhausted Poe tightly and whispers an apology to him.

"I'm not leaving to hurt you," he tells her, swallowing against the lump in his throat. "I don't want to leave you at all, Sunshine."

"Then don't," she whispers back, her hot tears staining his linen shirt. Poe buries his face in her neck and lifts her off the ground with the force of his hug. "At least promise me you'll come back."

"I could never really leave you," he tells her, sadly. "You'll always be the best part of myself." And it's true: everything that Poe likes about himself is from Rey, and to an extent his father, Uncle Cass, and Aunt Jyn, and of course, Shara Bey. But his instinct to protect people, to fight for the things he loves, to offer assistance and not censure to those who've sought help - that's all from his friendship with Rey. He laughs more because of her, she taught him how to smile again after he lost his mother - how - how can he leave her? 

Holding her in the rising light of Yavin, he doubts his decision for the first and only time. 

In the end, though, it's Rey that leaves first.

They're all sitting in the front yard of the Dameron compound - Luke dropped in for a visit, and to say his goodbyes to his unofficial nephew - about a week before Poe's departure, and Rey's smiling at a story Jyn tells about a place that she and Cassian once went on a mission. She's laughing alongside Poe, tucked into his side on a lawn swing, and she looks over and smiles at him, and Poe realizes - 

He loves her. Maybe not in the way that Cassian loves Jyn, or Kes still loves Shara, but Rey's the most important person in his life, and he loves her, and he's going to miss her so, so much. 

Rey's eyes are soft when she smiles at him, and he knows she loves him too, probably in the same deep, abiding way, the kind of love and connection that's going to get him through whatever the New Republic's military throws at him, when it happens.

A shadow crosses over Rey's face.

"Rey?" Poe asks, concerned. He interrupts Jyn's story, and all the adults turn to look at Rey. She looks terrified, and claps her hands over her ears. 

"Rey," Luke's standing in front of them suddenly. His hand is reaching out, but not for Rey, Poe realizes. Luke's reaching out for something none of them can see. "What is it?"

"Get away from him," Rey sobs, eyes clenched shut. "Get out - get away." Luke gestures for all of them to clear out, and Poe's physically dragged away from Rey's side by his father. 

"Let Luke handle it," Kes says, grey-faced. "Let him do this, mijo." Poe fights against his dad's grip, until Cassian comes to stand on his other side, and both men hold his arm. The only thing that keeps Poe in place is the absolute fear and grief on Cassian's face. 

"What's happening, Cass?" Jyn whispers to her husband, and she clings to his waist while staring at her daughter and friend. 

Rey's wailing, and all the objects that surround her - the chairs, the table, lawn equipment, even Luke himself - lift off the ground and begin to orbit her. 

"Stop!" she screams, and the sound nearly rips Poe in half. He finally jerks free of his father and Cassian's grip, and he lurches forward, shouting for his friend. 

"Rey!" He yells, but the objects crash back to the ground, and she curls up sobbing before he can reach her.

"What the kriff was that?" He asks Luke weakly. When the Jedi doesn't answer, Poe scowls at him. "It's Ben, isn't it? She has the Force, too, and it's connected her to Ben. You've known for a while." Luke nods, finally, and Kes and Jyn appear at Rey's side a minute later. Poe reluctantly moves away from hovering over her so her parents can hold her.

Rey sits up, sobbing. "I'm sorry." Her parents cling to her and tell her everything is fine, but she shakes her head. "It isn't. Something is very, very wrong. I don't know what happened, but I'm so sorry."

"You didn't hurt anyone," Poe assures her, kneeling down in front of her. "I promise, Sunshine. You didn't hurt anyone. You could never."

Rey nods, trembling furiously, and Cassian looks over her head to stare Luke down. "What does this mean?" 

Luke doesn't answer for a moment, but when he does, he at least has the grace to look apologetic.

***

Rey leaves for the Jedi Temple the next day, and while they're standing the yard, she and Poe cringe when they overhear Cassian screaming at Luke inside the house. "You gave her to us knowing that you would just take her away" He shouts. "How could you, Luke? You had us raise her just so you could take her away when you needed her." 

The shouting quiets after Jyn's face appears in the window and spies her daughter and Poe standing awkwardly within earshot. 

"I guess this is goodbye," Poe says softly. "A few days early. See, you didn't even need me. You're going on your own adventure."

"I don't want to go without you," Rey says, and she doesn't say it sadly, only matter-of-factly, and to his intense mortification, Poe starts to cry. Really cry. Great, heaving sobs. Rey pulls him into a hug, now only two inches shorter than he is. "But you'll always be with me, in the Force. Just like I'll always be with you."

“You’re my best friend,” Poe sobs, holding her tighter. “You’ll always be my best friend.”

“Sap,” Rey shoves him lightly without breaking the hug, so much like her mother.

“Nerf herder,” Poe sniffs, wiping his nose with his sleeve. It's as close to telling her he loves her as he'll get, not when he's sure it would only weird her out, not when the depth of that knowledge has yet to really hit him. But she knows, as much as he does, and that's enough for now. 

"I have something for you," Rey tells him after her parents have come out and cried over her, too. She's pulled Poe aside before walking aboard Luke's planet hopper. "It's at your house." Poe looks at her, confused, and she hugs him one last time, almost desperate despite how short the embrace is. 

And then she's gone. 

Poe stares at the sky for almost five minutes after she goes - and isn't that a kick to the gut, when he'd been so sure he'd be the one saying goodbye. It's much harder to be the one who's left behind, he realizes, and he suddenly realizes how much pain Kes is going to feel when he goes. 

He stares at the sky until his eyes hurt too much, from the glare of the sun and his own tears, and then he trudges back to his house. 

Poe remembers what Rey said, when he discovers a crate in the corner of his living room. "Dad?" He calls out to his father in the kitchen. "Did you see Rey leave this?"

"No, mijo! Dinner in ten, by the way." Poe shouts back his acknowledgment and then pries the crate open with a tool from his belt. When he takes the lid off, the sides collapse with a satisfying  _whump._ He stares in surprise at the contents.

It's a droid: round with a domed head, an orange (Poe's favorite color) and white paint job. 

There's a note on top of the droid, which is currently switched off, sitting in a charging port. 

" _Figured you'd need an astromech of your own now that you're going to be a hotshot pilot. This little guy is a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator. I built him with recommissioned parts, and you'll have to finish programming his personality. I meant to do that with you the day before you left, but obviously plans change. Kay-Too had suggestions for some of the programming, so if he's a bit of an ass, you know who to blame. Miss you already, Dameron._

_-RA"_

Poe stares at the droid for a solid minute, clutching the note in his hand, before he leaves forward and turns the droid on.

[Hello] it beeps. Thank the gods he and Rey had studied Binary in their lessons. Poe pulls out the instruction manual, and then smiles at the droid. [My facial recognition systems suggest that you are meant to be my master. What is your name, for confirmation?]

"I'm Poe," he says, smiling. "Poe Dameron. Nice to meet you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're reaching the turning point between childhood/early adulthood now. 
> 
> The next chapter covers the years of their separation. Ben will continue to be a pest/a little disturbing/a lot obsessed with Rey (mentioned in her letters). They'll meet again in chapter 6, where they'll both be adults (and let the adult style pining begin)
> 
> Next Chapter: Letters


	5. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Poe send each other letters over the course of their 3.5 year separation. 
> 
> Takes place over 24 ABY to ~28 ABY (Poe aged 18 to 21, Rey aged 14 to 17, about to turn 18)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet today!
> 
> One letter for Rey/Poe over the years they're apart (heads up, one goes unanswered). Year/time apart is listed before the set of letters (sent over holo pad). 
> 
> Also, there will be things both people wanted to say, but deleted before sending. That will be marked by a line through the words.

24 ABY (Two Weeks Apart)

_Dear Rey,_

_I hope your training got off to a good start. I've been here at base for almost a week now, and I've decided that I really don't like Chandrila. ~~There's so much water. I miss the trees. I miss solid ground. I miss my dad. I miss all of you so much.~~_

_Chandrila's too wet, and it gets under my skin, and nope, don't like it, never will. Let's just say it makes sense that Ben was born here._

_Was that mean? That was probably mean. Whatever._

_I hope the big-eared jackass isn't being too much of, well, a jackass. Give him my love (or punch him in the teeth, either way, I'm good)._

_What's training like? My dad let slip in his letter earlier this week that you built a holo-pad from scratch and were using it to write home. ~~You always were smarter than me.~~ Tricky little Andor. I hope when Luke finds out that he's impressed and not pissed._

~~_I really hope Ben isn't bothering you. It's so selfish, because he's my friend too, and I don't have anything against him, but he hasn't looked at you right in years. I hope he isn't bothering you. Tell me he isn't bothering you, or I'll jump in an X-Wing and defect right here and now to make sure you're okay._ ~~

_I miss you ~~so much that it's hard to breathe because something is missing from inside of me.~~_

_Hope the food at the temple is halfway decent. I'm sure you'd be able to stomach it either way._

_Your friend,_

_Poe Dameron_

_P.S. The droid, who is now called BB-8, or Beebee, is a total ass. I blame Kay. Thank you ~~sweetheart~~ , it means a lot to have a piece ~~of you~~ of home with me._

* * *

_Poe,_

_Yes, I built a holo-pad from scratch. No, Luke doesn't know, nor will he ever know._

_Chandrila sounds awful, but it has to be better than this Temple. The trees look different than they do on Yavin. They're older, and creepier, ~~and sometimes I swear I can hear the Darkness calling me through them and it scares me so much, but you aren't here to chase the Dark away anymore, Poe, what do I do with that?~~_

_Ben's being...Ben? I guess. He definitely isn't being a jackass, but he's insisted on being there for all my tests and trials. Apparently, he's the best Padawan here. Well, I told him that he **was,** before I showed up. ~~I told him to make him laugh, but he just looked weirdly happy about it.~~  He promptly knocked me on my ass during sparring. So yes. Ben's being Ben. But no, I won't punch him. Too hard. _

_I miss you too, nerfherder. ~~And I love you, but you knew that, and you were always too kind to tell the pesky younger kid with a crush on you to switch off.~~_

_The food is edible. Can't complain. Hope the slop in the mess hall is tolerable; you always were a picky eater, you spoiled little princeling._

_Yours,_

_Rey_

_P.S. Of course he's an ass. He's **your** droid - he better be an ass, so he can stomach putting up with you. You're welcome. _

***

25 ABY, One Year Apart

_Rey,_

_Training was awful today. Your letter was the only thing that got me through it._

_The major in charge of training us won't listen to any reports about building tensions in the Outer Rim. When I tried to ask him about it b ~~ecause gods forgive we try to help people unselfishly in this stupid kriffing galaxy~~ , he dismissed me out of hand and had me run ~~15~~ extra laps as punishment. I meant to respond to you much earlier, but you know, insubordination got in the way._

_Sorry to hear that going home for Festival wasn't all that great. Sorry that Ben sounded like he was a total fucking creep the whole time. I'm glad you got to see Uncle Cass and Aunt Jyn. Thanks for giving my dad a hug for me. I miss him ~~so much sometimes I stare at the ceiling in the barracks at night and pray that none of the other cadets can hear me cry.~~ , and I miss all of you._

_It's amazing that you're going to build your lightsaber! Stinks that I won't hear from you for a few weeks ~~and I'll try not to go out of my mind with worry when I don't hear from you~~ , but it will be worth it when you come back with that saber. I bet you get a purple one. From what I've heard, Mace Windu would have liked you._

_Let me know how it goes!_

_Did I mention that I miss you ~~so much it hurts~~?_

_Your best friend,  
Always,_

_Poe Dameron_

* * *

 

(One Month Later, 25 ABY)

_Poe!_

_I have a lightsaber! I HAVE A LIGHTSABER! Gods, but Ilum was creepy. Too ... neutral. Too nothing._

_I sat there for almost three weeks before I found my crystal. It called to me._

_My lightsaber is **not** purple as you predicted. It's ... gold! Master Luke says he's never seen a gold lightsaber. I never told you, but years before we left Yavin, I always thought you (well, the air around you, it's hard to explain) looked a little gold. I didn't know then, but I do now: that was your Force signature! ~~And Luke can say all he wants about Kyber crystals and the rarity of gold; I've never seen anyone that shines quite as brightly as you do, Poe.~~ It probably has something to do with that Force Tree we were always playing around on._

_Sorry to hear that your XO is a massive piece of poo-doo. If they had any sense at all, they'd listen to you. After all, you managed to get me through childhood mostly unscathed: a truly monumental task, I'm starting to realize. (So, maybe I broke my arm training with Ben the other day. I'm fine, before you say anything. I'll be right as rain in a few weeks)._

_Speaking of rain, I miss Yavin. I miss mama and papa, and I miss Kes, and I miss you. ~~more than anyone. Is that selfish?~~_

_Hope to hear from you soon._

_Yours,_

_Rey Andor_

***

26 ABY, Two years Apart

_Rey,_

_Short letter today, sorry. We have to go run our first Hyperspace drill without a commanding officer present. I'm playing Red Leader! I'd say tell Luke, but then you'd have to explain your contraband holo-pad to him. Still, it might be worth it for the look on his face._

_~~I've been thinking a lot about Luke lately, Luke and Bodhi. I know you didn't know Uncle Bodhi because he was dead before you came to us, but I'm sure Jyn or Cass mentioned him to you. I've been thinking about how sad Luke was after Bodhi died, how they were both pilots, both kind, always together when they came to visit. I've been thinking about how Luke only seemed like half of himself after Bodhi died. They were best friends, that much my dad told me, but I feel like maybe they were something more. I've been thinking that maybe Luke didn't take the Code that seriously. And I've been wondering if that has something to do with how you say Ben treats you. Now, I've never really been one for agreeing that boys pull the hair of girls that they like - I know I never would - but maybe they do when they never learned otherwise. Be careful with Ben. No matter what, what he's doing isn't healthy~~._

_Anyway, got to run! Let me know how training is going._

_Miss you always,_

_Poe_

* * *

 

_Poe!_

_I can't believe you got to fly in Hyperspace! Theoretically, I know how it works, and I've been onboard a ship when Luke or Han made the jump, but damn! I'm so jealous. Luke lets me fly some of the X-Wings at the temple sometimes, but they're older models, and he purposefully doesn't put enough fuel in them for us to make a jump. Which is probably good or Ben would have flown away by now._

_Things are going great! I miss you, obviously, but Luke says that I'm accelerating through my Padawan training better than he could have expected. I'm still working on a few aspects of the Code - passion's definitely one of my weaker spots - but it's going well ~~and I don't hear the Darkness all the time, unless I'm hearing it from Ben, gods, I think we're Bonded, I read about it in a book, and it scares me to know that the voice I was hearing taunt him is out there in the galaxy somewhere but I can't tell you that because I never told you about it in the first place.~~_

_Luke hopes that I'll make Knight by 19! Which is wild. But Ben's the oldest one in training here, so he'll make Knight first and probably rub my face in it._

~~_I caught him staring at me again. I don't know what he's thinking when he stares. I don't know if he knows I can hear him. I worry that he can hear me, because I'm always worried about him._ ~~

_Give my love to Muran. I've seen so many holo-vids of him, I feel like I know him, too._

_Miss you too. Nerfherder._

_Yours,_

_Rey Andor_

***

27 ABY, 3 Years Apart

_Rey._

_Oh gods, Rey. We had a training accident today._

_One of my friends died. I'm - I don't know what to think. I don't even know what happened, no one would tell me. I just know that we were going through an asteroid field, when some bogies appeared. They won't even tell me if they were part of the simulation or not. I tried to say that I thought the insignia looked Imperial, but the major wouldn't listen to me. And now someone's dead._

_I'm shaking too hard to keep typing. Fuck, Rey, I want to go home. I'm tired of playing at soldier. I'm tired of editing my thoughts. I'm...I'm so tired. I miss you, Sunshine, I miss you so fucking much I think I'm going to fall apart from it. You're my best friend, and I need you. I need you, Rey._

* * *

_Poe -_

_I'm so sorry, Poe. I'm so so so sorry. I'll pray for them, and you, to the Force, but I want to do something, too. I don't always think this praying stuff works, unless you're willing to do something at the same time._

_If you really need me, tell me. I'll get on a ship right now. I don't care what Luke says. If you need me, I'm there. I'll be thinking of you. ~~I always think about you, Poe.~~_

_I'll let Luke know though, about what you said. If there's anything odd going on in the galaxy, he'll know. And if he doesn't, he needs to know._

_Seriously, Dameron. If you need me, just say the word._

~~_I love you._ ~~

_Yours, always,_

_Rey_

* * *

_Rey,_

_Can't talk much, but don't get in trouble on my behalf. It means the galaxy to me that you'd come, believe me. The cadets are being moved though, for our final stages of training, and I'm not sure where. At least Beebee is with me._

_I'll be an officer soon, at least_

~~_I just wish that still meant something._ ~~

_-Poe_

***

28 ABY, 3.5 Years Apart

_Hey Sunshine,_

_Your friend and general waste of space, Poe Dameron, is now a Lieutenant! I'm going on my first full mission, so I'll be off-comms with you for at least a few months._

_I still miss you. Don't think for a second that just because I'm not writing you doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you._

_If you see my dad before I do, give him a hug for me. Still can't believe your visits home and mine never overlapped. We have some shit luck, Jedi girl._

_Hope your trials are going well. I can't believe you get to do solo missions. I really hope you meant going on missions alone, and didn't mean Ben Solo missions. I just feel like you'd probably stab him or worse if you were trapped on a planet hopper with him for too long. And I don't think homicide follows the Code._

_Happy almost birthday! Eighteen, big year. Hope it's everything you could possibly want._

_Your friend,_

_Poe Dameron_

_(Signing off. Beebee is super excited about the mission, by the way)._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Distress  
> (Rey intercepts a distress call from a member of Rapier Squadron; she leaves her training mission despite Luke's orders, and discovers an injured/tortured Poe Dameron)
> 
>  
> 
> In the next chapter, Rey will be 18, Poe will be 21, and he'll highly disenchanted with the New Republic 
> 
> *PS we're accelerating Poe's disenchantment with and later defection from the Republic's navy a few years for the purpose of the plot (he'll leave by or before the end of the story, which takes place in ~30/31 ABY, Rey aged 20/21, Poe aged 24/25)


	6. Distress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter opens on Poe Dameron being tortured for information by a group of Stormtroopers who are part of a group calling themselves The First Order. Rescue comes with a familiar face, and an almost four year separation comes to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (28 ABY, Poe aged 21, Rey aged 18)
> 
> Warnings: Aftermath of Torture, references to torture (beatings, shocking), mild violence, blood

By this point, Poe doesn’t think there’s ever been anything but pain.

He wakes up groaning, and spits out what tastes a bit like iron, but what is most likely the inside of his cheek. “Kriff.” The word rips from his throat rougher than sand. He stares up at the interior of this shitty little box they’d left him in, his wrists restrained, his leg shackled to the frame of this crappy little bed.

He’s named the two Stormtroopers – and how in the fucking _fuck_ are there still Stormtroopers? The fuck? – who take turns torturing him “Smiley Jim,” and “Al, Whose Mother Clearly Fucked a Sarlacc.”

They hadn’t really liked the nicknames. At least, the electrified truncheon to his gut suggested they hadn’t. Still, the truncheon was better than the droids, better than the needles under his skin. He has no idea if BB-8 made it off this creepy ass ship with another member of Rapier; but as far as he knows, Poe had been the only one left.

Now, he’s answering questions he really doesn’t have the answers to. Not that it would make any difference.

“What does the Republic know of the First Order?” Is pretty demonstrative of a typical question.

“Well, I know that when I go to the Cantina, Smiley Jim, my first order is usually a shot of hull stripper,” is pretty demonstrative of Poe’s typical answer. Then, they’ll beat him or shock him, and he’ll spit out some blood, and take a solid thirty seconds to think _what in the fucking hells is the First Order?_ Then it’s time for questioning again, with Smiley Jim playing “Bad Stormtrooper,” and Al, Whose Mother Clearly Fucked a Sarlacc playing, well, “Bad Stormtrooper.”

He’s pretty sure he’s been here over eighteen hours, and his mind’s drifting somewhere green and gold but also blue and –

The Force Tree. Poe sees the Force Tree, sees Ben sprawled out in the grass doodling whatever the fuck angsty bullshit he liked to doodle in his notebook, sees his dad laughing with his aunt and uncle while playing sabacc at a flimsy little card table, sees Rey –

Sees Rey –

Rey at five, sweet and trusting, clutching his hand while he shows her the tree. Rey at seven, holding him tightly in the pouring rain, telling him it’s okay to cry, a lesson he never forgot. Rey at eight, hot-wiring the Millennium Falcon but flying it so well not even Han Solo can be karked to care. Rey at 12, gripping his arm during the scary part of a holo until he relents and wraps his arm around her, secretly glad that she’s scared too. Rey at 14, giving him Beebee, saying goodbye, flying away. He sees Rey, all of her, the parts of his life she’s intertwined with, reaching down into the good parts of Poe like the roots of the Tree he loves so much. He sees Rey, and when they drag him back out for the tenth session of Daily Stormtrooper Fun, he ignores Smiley Jim and Al, Whose Mother Clearly Fucked a Sarlacc, and stares over their white -encased shoulders, stares at the vision of his best friend telling him it’s okay to feel pain, it’s okay to be scared, and he barely even notices when they set the droids to the highest level.

***

Poe’s groggy the next time his cell door opens. Light violently pours into the darkness, and he’s too tired to cover his eyes.

He squints up, expecting his guards, but instead a goddess stares at him.

She’s beautiful, he knows even in his fevered state (and his brain’s working enough for him to know that his wounds are most likely infected, causing the fever), and for a wild moment he thinks the light isn’t coming from the hallway at all, but from her. She’s willowy, and beautiful, and looks like she’s made of starlight, and she freezes the second she sees him (Not that he blames her, he doubts he’s much to look at right now).

Still, he has a feeling he should impress this woman, so he goes for his last defense: humor.

“Aren’t you a little too pretty to be a Stormtrooper?”

“Poe!” The woman rushes forward and kneels in front of him. He blinks four or five times, praying that it’s sweat and not blood stinging his eyes and looks at her again. “Oh gods, Poe!” She’s a little taller, and she’s grown into her features, and her hair is braided in a crown around her head – but it’s undeniably – it’s –

“ _Rey_?” Poe’s heart slams in his chest. “Oh gods, I’m dead, aren’t I?”

“No, Poe, I have to get you out of here. We don’t have very long.” She begins to loosen his restraints, and Poe moans in pain as blood rushes back into his hands and feet. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“If I’m dead, and you’re here….are you dead too?” Poe doesn’t think that’s okay. Rey’s supposed to have  a long, happy, important life, far away from all this banthashit.

“No, silly, I’m not dead, and you aren’t either. Now sit up.” She yanks the front of his shirt, forcing him into a seated position. Rey pulls a blaster seemingly out of nowhere and hands it to him. He hefts the weapon in his palm – hating that it’s the cold metal against his palm that convinces him that this might not just be a cruelly elaborate dream – and stares at Rey. “Can you walk?”

“You offering to carry me?” His voice comes out much weaker than intended so he smiles at her, and he’s a little gutted when she blinks away tears. A fierce look descends over her features after that – were they always such a strange blend of delicate and strong? – and she stands, offering him her hand. “How did you even find me?” He asks, taking the offering and working with her to get to his feet. They limp for the exit, his arm slung around her shoulders.

“Asked.” Rey’s answer is short, clipped.

“You…you asked? Are there Jedi sympathizers onboard the Starship Creepy Shit?” Poe stares at her in amazement.

“No,” Rey snorts. “Let’s just say things have changed since the last time I saw you.” And doesn’t he know it. She’s barely two inches shorter than he is, but much, much slighter – however, her body hums with untapped power, and Poe isn’t entirely sure it’s the fever talking when the glow around her doesn’t fade, even when they’ve transitioned to the hallway and are walking as quickly as possible down towards the corner.

He wants to ask her what that means, but he’s interrupted by a round of wracking coughs. Rey presses him up against the wall, her slender hands passing over his abdomen rapidly, and she hisses with him when she gently touches the broken ribs. “Are you sure you’re okay to walk?” Rey asks again. “Seriously, Poe, I’ll fly the ship down the corridor if I have to.”

“I’d honestly like to see that.” He smiles at her, and she smiles back, finally, and a flood of warmth that has nothing to do with blood or fluids enters his chest. _This is Rey,_ he realizes. _She’s really here._ “Can I hug you?” He blurts out.

Rey smirks at him. “Long-lasting reunion hugs later, flyboy.” She grabs his hand and slings his arm back around her shoulders. “Let’s get you out of here.”

Poe realizes what she meant when she said she ‘asked’ where he was about two minutes later. They turn the corner, finally (he’s never thought of 40 feet as a long distance before, but here he is heaving for breath, leaning on his younger best friend for much-needed support), and run smack into a Stormtrooper. He raises his blaster, but Rey reaches a hand out and says in a bizarrely detached voice: “You don’t need to be in this hallway.”

The Stormtrooper raises his gun, lowers it slightly, raises it again, and then drops his weapon to his side. “I don’t need to be in this hallway.”

Poe thinks his neck might break from how quickly he turns his head to stare at Rey, stare at the Stormtrooper, stare back at Rey, back at the trooper.

“You will holster your weapon, leave this hallway, and forget you ever saw anything.”

“I will holster my weapon, leave this hallway, and forget I ever saw anything,” the soldier repeats monotonously, reattaching his blaster to his belt, nodding once, and then dreamily pivoting and walking forward.

“And you will encourage others to leave the passage to the hangar bay clear!” Rey calls after him, starting to walk again. Poe stumbles because he’s too busy staring at her in shock still.

“And I will encourage others to leave the passage to the hangar bay clear.” The confirmation is thrown over the trooper’s shoulder.

“So,” Poe says while they near the next corner. “The fuck?”

To his intense amusement, Rey Andor, lifelong daredevil and obvious Jedi-poo-doo sorceress, blushes hard enough for him to feel it. “Like I said,” she whispers. “Things changed.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Poe nods, and then focuses his energy into walking. They’re nearing the entrance to the bay doors, when a streak of orange and white barrels towards them. “Buddy?” Poe asks incredulously, stumbling to a halt. “You’re still here?”

[I would not leave you, Poe Dameron] Beebee tells him. [I sent the distress signal to the Maker]

“The Maker?” Poe wrinkles his nose in confusion. “Like, the god?”

“He means me.” Rey jerks her head at the bay and the odd trio resumes their struggle towards the docked ships. “He insists on calling me that, even though I told him Rey would do just fine!”

“Beebee gets really into nicknames.” Poe knows he isn’t doing too hot because his head lolls on his shoulder when he tries to grin over at Rey. “You might be stuck with that, Maker. Although it’s totally fair, I’m not entirely sure you’re mortal”

“Let’s not find out,” Rey retorts, looking around quickly and half-dragging Poe to a docked ship. She throws his arm off her shoulder, orders Beebee to stay still, and runs to the ramp access panel.

Poe stares at it in disgust while Rey types in the code. “A starhopper?” He asks, brows raised. “Rey, sweetheart, those were outlawed like twenty years ago.”

“I built it!” The ramp hisses open. “But if you have a problem with it, Dameron, don’t worry, I’m sure someone else will be by to rescue you soon.” She stands with her hand on hip, glaring at him (and the expression reminds him so much of when they were kids, he can’t help but grin widely) before seeming to remember he can’t actually walk on his own right now. “Oh. Right.” She rushes back over to him and helps him onboard.

“How did none of those Stormtroopers notice us?” Poe asks after she deposits him with probably less care than possible onto the copilots chair. Rey assesses him for a moment silently before buckling him in herself. She then takes a seat at the pilot’s chair and engages the engines.

“I didn’t want us to be seen,” Rey explains off-handedly, and when she doesn’t go any further than adding, “You know, the Force,” Poe clears his throat.

“Well, I wasn’t exactly aware that was how the Force worked,” Poe snarks, and Rey rolls her eyes.

“Hold on, flyboy, I think they’re catching on now.” Sure enough, scores of Stormtroopers are rushing towards the starhopper, and Rey clicks something into place, and then grins at him. “Remember that silly astronautical maths problem you always got so worked up over? The one about how fast you’d need to leave a battleship going five hundred klicks an hour, if you were leaving in a ship roughly one thousandth the size?”

Poe coughs again, the question barely making sense over the ache in his bones, the blur in his eyes. “Uh.” Another wet exhalation. “Didn’t we scream at the tutor that you’d have to meet two conditions?”

“Which were?” Rey asks mildly, the shields of the ‘hopper taking on the blaster hits fairly well while she merrily rolls to the cavernous exit of the battleship.

“A. Leave the hangar by punching into Hyperspace immediately,” Poe lists. “And B. Be absolutely bantha-shit insane.”

“Yep!” Rey grins at him, evilly, and he has such powerful cognitive dissonance – is it the torture talking, or is she suddenly 8 years old about to hijack a war hero’s bird again? – that he barely understands what’s about to happen when she shouts, “It’s time for practical application of maths, assholes!” and punches the godsdamned ship into Hyperspace, from inside the hangar, because she’s bantha-shit insane.

Poe isn’t sure if he’s screaming his head off or laughing, but it takes about thirty seconds of the eerie blue of Hyperspace blurring around the starviewer for him to turn to Rey.

She’s grinning at him, her comms headpiece already in place, and he smiles back.

“Thanks, Jedi,” he whispers, resting his head on his chair. “Missed you.”

“Missed you too, flyboy.” Rey’s smile is soft and shy, an odd expression for a girl who just risked death and defied physics.

“Don’t want to alarm you,” Poe says politely. “But I think I’m going to pass out.” Dark fingers are creeping over the edge of his vision. “Yep. Definitely going to.”

“Oh,” Rey says back, just as politely. “Well, shit.”

Well shit, indeed.

***

When Poe wakes up, he groans and clears his throat. Rey’s sitting at the controls, frowning at a reading.

“How long was I out?” He whispers.

“Long enough for me to perform First Aid,” she offers him an encouraging smile. "Don't worry, your parts seem mostly salvageable."

"Says the girl who rebuilt a starhopper," Poe teases her, and she leans over to flick his knee, gently. Very gently. 

 “So,” Rey says, conversationally. “You almost died. The fuck?”

“I’m fine, Sunshine,” Poe says, waving a hand at her. “I woulda fought those guys off myself if you hadn't shown up."

"Mhm." Rey examines him for a long time. "I heard the details from Beebee when he sent the distress signal. I picked it up a holo-transmitter I scrapped together at the Temple. I've had an ear out since you mentioned your major acting weird a while back. But Poe, Beebee said you went out there looking for pirates? And that the New Republic didn't answer your initial distress calls?"

"No." Poe scowls at the stars streaking by. "No, they did not." His tone suggests that he doesn't want to talk about it, and thankfully Rey doesn't push. "Sorry, I just," he coughs. "One of my friends went down before I was captured. Good pilot. Even better person." Rey nods and reaches out to squeeze his hand consolingly. Before she can pull away, he tangles his fingers with hers and holds them tighter. "I think the New Republic doesn't want this to be talked about."

Rey nods, looking suddenly very grave. There's a few moments of silence while she checks their course, and then she asks, timidly. “You going to be okay, Dameron?”

“Yeah.” He squeezes her hand, still in his, and she looks over at him. Even when he smiles at her, she doesn't look any less sad, and he can't have that. "Never been better, Sunshine."

“We’ve been friends for almost fifteen years, Poe,” Rey says softly, staring out the starviewer after dropping his gaze. “But I think that’s the first time you’ve ever lied to me.”

He doesn't have anything to say to that.

***

Poe wakes up to a familiar green light - they've landed on Yavin 4. At some point during the flight, he'd started shivering, wracked with fever, and after some attempts to wrap him in thermal blankets, Rey had huffed in frustration and shoved his thighs to the side, squeezing in next to him on the co-pilot's chair. As far as he can tell, she fell asleep too (Did BB-8 land this starhopper? Now that's a scary kriffing thought), and she's currently dozing with her head on his shoulder, her legs thrown over his lap, feet dangling off the chair, a blanket covering their lower halves, and Han Solo staring down at them in a mixture of -

Oh fuck.

Han Solo is staring down at them, looking somehow both amused and pissed.

"Well," he says, loud enough for Rey to startle awake. She doesn't pull away from Poe right away, and his hands don't move from where they're wrapped around her waist. "Well, well, well. I don't think Luke's going to like this." Even though he knows he hasn't done anything wrong, Poe feels guiltier than a wampa in a china shop. Han's smirk only gets wider. "Nope. He's not going to like this, not one bit." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: "Shore Leave"
> 
> (Rey and Poe both get some time off from their duties while Poe heals)


	7. Shore Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe reunites with his family, and has an interesting conversation with Leia Organa; as the fledgling Resistance begins to make its plans given Poe's new intel, Rey is granted a month off from her Jedi training to help her best friend heal from his brutal torture at the hands of the First Order. Poe makes a startling discovery, enjoys life on Yavin 4, and discusses personal things with Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 28 ABY -  
> Warnings: references to past torture
> 
>  
> 
> (Still playing fast and loose with the canon timeline, btw)

Han smiles at them, expectantly, looking for all the world like he’d caught them doing something _illegal_ (Poe panics, briefly – is it illegal for Jedi to be this physically close to someone?), and Rey leaps off his lap guiltily.

“Sorry!” She squeaks. “That was my fault, Han – Poe was cold, and he’s not doing well - and is Dr. Kalonia here, as we discussed?” She says this all very quickly, and Poe sees Han’s face switch from something ornery to something concerned when the older man looks at Poe more closely.

“Well shit, kid,” he says. “You look worse than I did when I came out of carbonite.”

“Thanks,” Poe mumbles, taking the hand Rey offers him and rising to his feet shakily. “That’s reassuring, Captain Solo.”

“Please,” Han waves a hand at him. “Call me Captain Han.”

Poe rolls his eyes, and the sound of feet pounding up the ramp outside has his teeth on edge – it sounds too familiar to feet in the corridor outside his cell, the feet of someone approaching to take him away for more questioning – but the anxiety has nowhere to go, not when Kes Dameron appears in the entry.

“Mijo,” he breathes, eyes wide. Kes runs forward, and Rey and Han think to move out of the way before Poe’s caught up in a tight hug.

“Dad,” Poe gasps. “I love you too, but – can’t breathe –“

“He has broken ribs, Kes!” Rey exclaims from behind them, and Kes releases him immediately. There are tears in his father’s eyes, and he cups Poe’s face almost reverently.

“What did those bastards do to you?” Kes demands. Poe exchanges a long look with Rey before nodding at the exit.

“How about I sit down, and then I’ll tell you.”

***

Kalonia fusses over him for half an hour before she lets anyone else in the room.

Well, almost anyone.

Poe had refused to sit still, and begged, shamelessly begged, for Rey to be allowed back in. The second she vanished from his sight, he could honestly feel his blood pressure increasing. He assumes it has something to do with her status as a Jedi, some natural peace and serenity she now exudes, because he doesn’t feel calm again until she’s next to him, holding his hand while Kalonia examines him.

It’s a good thing Rey is there too, so she can answer some of the questions for him. Rey seems to inherently understand that there are some things Poe can’t answer right now, and he feels her hand tighten around his on some of the questions regarding his appearance when she arrived, the quality of the cell he was in, the appearance of his wounds before she attempted first aid.

Eventually, Kalonia gets bacta patches on the particularly rough spots, gives him a shot of something that will numb the pain but not his mind, and allows his guests to come in.

Kes is there, and Cass, and Jyn – so are Han and Leia Organa. Poe coughs when he sees the former princess sweep into the room. Her hair is shot with grey now, and her face lined, but she’s still so terrifyingly pretty, and Poe tries to straighten up against the pillows and pull the blankets more over his lap to make a better impression (Rey sees what he’s doing and snorts at him, releasing his hand so he can use both to fuss with his blankets. After he’s done though, she holds her hand back out, and he clings to it like a lifeline).

Kalonia demands that they only speak to him for half an hour before he’s allowed to rest – “ _honestly, you should let him rest before you talk to him at all, you lunatics!”_ – but Poe shakes his head.

“I survived three days as a guest to a terrorist organization, doc, I can withstand a debrief.” He smiles at the older woman reassuringly, and Kalonia pats him on the head while rolling her eyes. She walks off muttering about “dumb ass stubborn pilots, how have I been cursed with this for thirty years –“ and Poe settles himself against the pillows a little more. Rey doesn’t let go of his hand when the adults (he’s an adult too now, he understands, but these are _the_ adults, the adultier adults) sit down around his bed.

Leia speaks for the most part, asking him pointed questions about where they found the ship, what kind of frequency masking device they used to make their ships appear to be pirating vessels and not battleships, what he saw in between torture periods (and Rey makes a soft, angry noise when Leia asks about the torture procedures casually while taking notes on a holo-pad, but Poe answers, sweat forming on his upper lip, but knowing this is his duty).

She nods when he’s done, but before anyone can say anything else, there’s the unmistakable sound of a bird hitting atmo. They all turn as one to look out the window, but Poe’s eyes go to Rey. Her body language stiffens, and she looks pale.

He understands when he recognizes the planet hopper.

“I guess my brother got your message to meet here too, Rey,” Leia says off-handedly, going back to her notes. Rey nods, still ashen-faced, and when they hear the ramp lowering off the ship, she lets go of Poe’s hand as if it had electrocuted her. Poe tries not to pout. He probably fails.

A minute later, Luke Skywalker stands in the doorway of his childhood bedroom. “You okay, Poe?” Luke asks, legitimately concerned.

“Yes sir,” Poe nods, trying to look tough. He probably fails. He’s exhausted, and the pain’s coming back, and he wants Rey to hold his hand again because the first two things don’t matter as much when she does. Luke nods though, accepting the answer.

“Rey.” Luke stares at his apprentice. “Meet me outside.” He turns and walks out without another word.

“Well,” Han says, staring at the door. “That wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be.”

“A little ominous,” Jyn agrees. “You don’t have to follow him, dear.”

“Yes, I do.” Rey stands, jaw set proudly. She kisses her mother and then her father on the head before she walks to the exit. When she reaches the door, Rey turns back around and looks at Poe briefly, a staggering emotion in her eyes, before disappearing to speak to Luke.

“Wanna go downstairs and pretend like we’re not eavesdropping?” Jyn asks Cassian. He nods and stands up.

“I’m glad you're safe, Poe,” Uncle Cass says, smiling at Poe tightly, and then he walks out the door. Jyn leans in and kisses his cheek fondly before following her husband. That leaves Han, Leia, and his father with Poe.

Kes stands, clearly intending to fill the seat of honor next to Poe, the one Rey just vacated, but Leia clears her throat.

“May I speak to your son alone, Kes?” She asks. Poe raises his eyebrows at his father, smiling despite his anxiety when he sees the expression mirrored on Kes's face.

“Of course, Leia.” Kes answers. He kisses Poe’s forehead, his hand resting on his curls, and then he takes his leave. Han gets up and follows him, clearly reading his wife’s desire to talk to Poe one on one.

“You were very brave, Lieutenant Dameron,” Leia says. “And after what you’ve been telling Rey for years, I’m a little surprised you’d be willing to be so brave for such a foolish organization.”

Poe blinks at her in surprise. “You – you knew what I was telling Rey? About the New Republic not following through on the threat to the Outer Rims?”

Leia smirks at him. “She told my brother, and even if he didn’t listen to her, I listened to him when he passed it along. I don’t think he believed I’d do anything with the information, but I’ve been moving very quietly among certain circles for years now, Poe, since around the time Ben came to live here, before he started his training.” Poe stares at her, not putting it together yet, which could be the torture or his own slower-moving brain talking. “So when your intel was passed through Rey, we began tracking ‘pirate’ activity as well. And your story confirms our suspicions. The First Order is trying to resurrect the Empire, and for whatever reason, the New Republic isn’t seeing fit to confront them with their considerable military force.”

“Fuck.” Poe stares at the blankets on his lap. “Well, fuck.”

“I'm sorry, Poe. I know it’s a lot to take in as a soldier dedicated to serving what’s good and just,” Leia says soothingly.

“I can’t serve them anymore,” Poe shakes his head. “Not after Muran. Not after all the weird shit they’ve been shoving under the rug. Not after seeing up close what those terrorists are doing. Not after what those –“ The _what those bastards did to me_ goes unspoken.

“I guess you can’t,” Leia agrees serenely.

Poe smiles at her, and he’s thrilled when the intimidating woman smiles back. “Know anyone who’s looking to hire a pilot?” He asks jokingly.

“As a matter of fact,” Leia says, grinning broadly now. “I do.”

“Yeah?” Poe asks, perking up slightly. “Really?”

“Yes, Lieutenant.” Leia takes a ring off her finger and puts it on his knee, on top of the blanket. She presses a button on the side of the ring, and he watches, amazed, as a screen pulls back, exposing the old symbol of the Rebellion set in the middle of the ring. “As long as you don’t mind calling me General.”

“No, Ma’am,” Poe breathes, looking back up at Leia, wide eyed. “I don’t mind at all. General.”

“Well then,” Leia holds her hand out primly, and Poe takes it quickly. They shake, and Leia’s still smiling when she says:

“Welcome to the Resistance.”

***

It’s dark when Rey comes back to his room. Poe had been dozing – and he was ordered by Kalonia to do nothing but doze, eat, sleep, repeat for the next week and a half – and he startles awake when the door opens.

Rey tiptoes in, and she stands at the edge of his bed. “Are you awake?” She whispers.

“I am now,” he whispers back.

“Shit, sorry.” Rey swears and apologizes. The bed dips when she sits down at the end. “How did the talk with Leia go?”

“She asked me to join the Resistance,” Poe says, still amazed that Leia thought that highly of him. _I’m going to need a pilot like you one day,_ her statement from years ago, on the day she gave him his first personal starship, echoes through his mind. “Oh, sorry, the Resistance is –”

“I know. Leia asked me to join, too.” Even in the dark, he can tell Rey’s smiling. “About an hour after she asked you. Well, she asked the Jedi Order to support her, and Luke said yes. I like to think it’s because the Resistance is trying to save the galaxy, not so much a begrudging sense of brotherly duty.”

“I’d say both are probably true,” Poe says, and Rey laughs lightly. The sound makes him wake up a little more, and Poe scoots over. He pats the space next to him, and Rey pauses for only a second before she crawls up the bed and lies down on her back next to him, staring up at the ceiling. Her presence is still just as soothing as it had been all day, and Poe closes his eyes to bask in the feeling. “You get in a lot of trouble, Jedi girl?” He asks sleepily.

“Not too much,” Rey answers. Her tone is forcibly light, but he doesn’t call her on it. “Once I explained to Luke that you were near-death when I found you, and that I couldn’t turn my back on anyone in need, he calmed down a little bit. Leia helped talk him off the edge though, and so did Papa.”

“So you aren’t going to have to go back to the Temple and lift rocks as punishment for a few weeks?”

“No,” Rey snorts and looks over at him. Even in the pale light of the neighboring moons, her eyes shine in the dark. “No, he decided that since he’s going to be here to make plans with Leia and the others, plans for how to move forward in the Resistance, that I’m going to stay here with him and help out.” Happiness erupts like a flock of birds in Poe’s chest at the thought.

“For how long?” He asks eagerly.

“At least a month,” Rey answers. Poe grins, and she does too, and they lie in comfortable silence after that, until Poe dozes off again.

***

He’s been done with bed rest for three days when Rey offers to take a walk around the compound with him. Poe agrees enthusiastically, looking forward to reacquainting himself with his home moon, and he doesn’t think twice when he takes Rey’s hand after they step outside.

They swing their clasped hands between them, and Poe starts whistling after the first few minutes of their walk. That makes Rey laugh – she even tries to whistle as well, but she’s miserable at it, just like when they were kids – and it makes some of the native birds swoop down from their branches and try to answer his tune. His jaw eventually hurts from the carefree whistling (mostly because he hasn’t done it for extended periods of time since he joined the Navy) but Poe keeps going, if only because it makes Rey giggle. It’s like listening to pure sunshine: fitting, given her nickname.

They’re walking back home after an hour outside, when Rey stops and tugs his hand.

“Poe.” She grins at him, evilly, the "let’s-see-how-much-trouble-Poe-can-get-in" smile of their childhood. “Poe, look.” Rey jerks her head through the trees to where a ship is parked at the edge of the compound.

Not just any ship.

The Millennium Falcon.

“No.” Poe shakes his head and takes his hand out of Rey’s. He regrets it immediately but doesn’t examine why. “Nope, not again, nuh-uh.”

“Why not?” Rey pouts at him, and that’s almost enough to change his mind. Almost.

“Because Han didn’t kill us the first time, so why push it?” Poe suggests, raising an eyebrow at her.

“But, Poe,” Rey’s face smooths out into something logical, serene. It’s a little kriffing terrifying to be honest. “You never got to fly it.”

“Because it’s not my ship,” Poe points out. He won’t fall for this. Nope. He’s a military man now, he's lived a sparse, controlled existence for the last three and a half years. He follows orders, follows the rules. He takes risks, sure, but calculated risks for a higher cause. Poe might be leaving the Republic’s Navy, but he’s joining a new military force, one that will surely just as much depend on his rigidity and adherence to a strict code of conduct, and he will not bend! He will not give in, no matter how far Rey Andor can stick her bottom lip out, nope, he is _immune,_ he is a _lieutenant,_ he has _self-control,_ he is –

Walking up the ramp onto the Falcon.

Fuck.

***

It was definitely worth the lapse in his self-control. The Falcon handles differently than any other ship he’s flown, and Poe thrills at the way the controls respond to him. He also thrills at the whoops of excitement pouring out of his enthusiastic co-pilot.

The flight goes without a hitch, and he lands the damn thing practically with his hands behind his back, easy as anything. Rey grins at him.

“I always thought you were joking about being the best pilot in the galaxy,” she comments as they walk off the ship. The ramp hisses shut behind them, and Poe realizes with a shock that he’s blushing. He’s blushing like a ten year old over a teasing compliment paid by his best friend. That’s weird. That’s –

He doesn’t have time to unpack his reaction at this exact moment because Han Solo is storming towards them, looking like he’s _definitely_ going to shoot first.

“Run!” Rey shrieks, tugging his hand. Poe snorts and follows her.

With the shouted reprimand of Han Solo chasing them, they sprint for almost half a minute and duck behind a tree in the forest. His back is to the bark, and she stands right in front of him, doubly blocked from view. Little Rey Andor leans into Poe, laughing while Han continues to shout at them for “dicking around in his fucking Falcon, who the fuck do you think you are, Luke Skywalker? This thing ain’t built for joy rides! You aren’t that cute anymore, Andor!”

“We’re so dead,” Rey whispers to him, squeezing his arm as she leans around his body to peek back into the yard of the compound. Poe grins down at her at the same time her hair brushes his shoulder, and she raises her eyes to his, still leaning over, to smirk at him, and Han’s definitely going to kill them –

It’s perfectly normal, absolutely reflective of when they were kids, of when things were regular between Poe and Rey; it was always little Rey and her need to run with the boys, to drag them into nonsense, especially Poe, the wiser, cooler (nicer, honestly) kid. It’d be perfectly normal, getting into trouble with Little Rey Andor, except –

Little Rey Andor isn’t little anymore. She straightens back up, still laughing, her hair falling out of her braids, her cloak wrapped tight around her lithe frame, showing off the gentle, perfect curve of her waist, not doing much to hide the even more perfect, less gentle curve of her –

Oh, fuck.

Rey’s still laughing, her hand still warm on his arm, and her eyes blaze with the intensity that stars only wish they could achieve, and her mouth is red and plush and her bottom lip looks like it’d feel just about right to sink his teeth into, and he has a feeling her legs would look great wrapped around him, and even worse, he thinks she’d look great waking up next to him, stretching like a Lotho-Cat and purring while he kisses her good morning and –

Oh, Maker, forgive him.

He’ll never be able to look Colonel Andor in the face again.

***

Poe floats through the small lake half a mile west of the compound. He lies flat on his back, eyes closed, with his limbs stretched out, enjoying the cool water as it surrounds him.

A tug on his foot makes him smile, but his eyes stay closed. Another, more ferocious, tug has him rolling his eyes, twisting quickly under the surface of the water, and striking at his attacker. He snags them around the waist and pulls them up, tossing his hair out of his face as they break into the open air.

Rey chokes on however much water she just swallowed, and she splashes him.

“Ass!” She sputters.

“You attacked me, Andor, I was just defending myself!” Rey rolls her eyes and begins to swim lazily. Poe copies her movements, and they go out a little farther before they begin to swim in a small circle.

Rey looks unmistakably lost in thought. “What’s on your mind, Sunshine?” They were circling each other in the water, but Rey stops to tread where she is.

“You.” She says softly, and Poe’s heart almost rips out of his chest, it picks up the pace so quickly. He swims closer to her, shaking water out of his ear.

“Sorry?” He asks, sure he heard her wrong. “Me? What about me?”

“I was thinking about you,” Rey says. Her cheeks are faintly pink, illuminating the map of freckles across her nose. “How glad I am to see you again.”

“Me too,” Poe grins at her, and they’re treading water six inches away from each other. Their feet bump against each other every so often, and Poe smiles at it every time. “I’m also glad you saved my ass.”

“Yeah,” Rey nods thoughtfully. “But, I know you’d do the same for me.’

“Of course,” Poe says it like a vow. “We’re in it together, Sunshine.”

“What do you mean by that?” Rey demands, somehow getting closer to him. “Together?’

“Like,” Poe licks his lips, not entirely sure why they suddenly feel dry, when they’re surrounded by water, “You know…you and me, Rey and Poe, the way it should be. It’s supposed to be us, always.” It’s not the most eloquent way to express the depth of his feelings for her – not just the newer, romantic ones, but the deep, abiding, life-changing ones – but he suddenly finds words hard to form because Rey’s nose is three inches from his. Thankfully, they’ve gotten closer to the shore, the waves bringing them in, and they’re standing in slightly shallower water, their shoulders above the surface.

“Is that all?” Rey asks, not backing down. Thank the gods she isn’t, because Poe knows he wouldn't this brave otherwise. “Nothing else it could possibly mean?”

“What do you want it to mean?” Poe asks, half because he can’t focus with her this close, half because he desperately needs to know she’s okay with moving this forward.

She’s okay with moving it forward.

Rey leans in, and her lips are soft on his, even softer than he’s let himself dream about these last few weeks. Poe’s hands curl around her small waist, pulling her flush against his body. He remembers with a thrill that she’s only wearing her underclothes, just like him, and her body lights up every nerve in his as they trade lazy but passionate kisses under the light of Yavin.

_Poe._

Poe furrows his brow but kisses Rey harder, wondering where the call of his name is coming from. Maybe Rey’s projecting it? That’s something Jedi can do, right? He runs his tongue against her full bottom lip, treasuring the gasp it elicits, and with her mouth open, he pulls away just enough to bite so, so gently at her lip.

_Poe!_

It’s definitely Rey’s voice, but she doesn’t sound impassioned, more impatient, but Poe can’t think about it, not when Rey’s crowding against him, her long legs intertwining with his own and -

“Poe Dameron, if you don’t answer me right now, I’m going to have to carry you back to your father’s house!”

Poe opens his eyes and tries not to groan.

He’d fallen asleep against the Force Tree. He doesn’t actually remember falling asleep, but it’s that or what he just saw was a vision, and not the world’s most perfect dream. Poe just doesn’t think the Force likes him enough for that to have been a premonition of things to come.

“I’m alive, Andor, no need to fuss.” He smiles up at Rey, praying that she doesn’t look below his face for the next ten seconds, not while he pictures a series of things – cold water, ice storm on Hoth, a Hutt – that will allow him to not embarrass himself.

“Good.” Rey sits down next to him with a huff. She closes her eyes and hums contentedly as she leans into the bark of the tree. “I wanted to talk to you. About something…personal. Been wanting to ask since we got here, but it never seemed like the right time. Got tired of waiting. So. Can I ask?”

“Oh.” Poe blushes. _Gods, I hope they cover sexual education at Luke’s temple,_ he begs to an unlistening universe. He just isn’t that strong. “You can ask me anything, Sunshine.”

There’s a few seconds of quiet, and then: “Have you ever kissed anyone?” Rey asks.

Poe tries to keep a straight face – she’s training to be a Jedi, and apparently she’s the best there is. _Has she moved on to just reading thoughts? Did she see that dream?_ He panics briefly. But, she doesn’t look or sound accusatory, so he clears his throats. “Shit, Andor, I changed my mind. I don’t want to talk to you about that. It’d be weird.”

Rey snorts in a very unladylike way. “So, that’s a yes, then.”

He huffs, embarrassed. “Yeah, okay, I’ve kissed a few people.”

It’s quiet for a beat, and then: “How many is a few people?” She doesn’t sound as curious anymore, more…resigned. That’s weird.

“Probably around ten? I don’t know, I’d have to think,” Poe shrugs. “The Academy, you know, we all cram in there, and we’re all right there, all the time, adrenaline flying around everywhere, and almost all of us are good-looking…”

‘You including yourself in that figure, Dameron?” Rey teases him, and he almost sights with relief because this feels more normal, more expected, more doable.

“Of course, Jedi,” Poe stretches and puts his hands behind his head, grinning at her. Rey smiles at him, and it’s not her full, normal smile, and something occurs to him – the reason she might be asking.

“Have you had your first kiss yet?” He asks. His heart pounds in his ears. Maybe she hasn’t and she wants one, and she wants to try it on him, because she trusts him (he doesn’t think in a million years she’ll want him the way he realized he wants her, but gods, she trusts him, they’ve trusted each other for almost a decade and a half now, and that alone means everything to him). If she needs him to test things out, she wouldn’t be able to find a more willing volunteer in all the star systems.

Rey shifts and looks down bashfully. “I think so – yeah, yeah I have.” Her face is red, and Poe feels oddly strangled. _You just admitted to kissing a bunch of people, bantha brains,_ he thinks viciously. _You don’t get to feel jealous that someone who isn’t you has her first kiss. She doesn’t belong to you._

But they belong to each other – don’t they? Is that how this works? That’s what they both seemed to think in his dream, at least. But real Rey, the one he actually lo—(Gods, get it together, Dameron).

Poe realizes that he should be answering her, not trapping himself in an endless spiral of guilty jealousy.

“Why do you only ‘think’ you have?” He asks, giving her a weird smile. Rey doesn’t return it.

“I – well, it came out of nowhere,” she says, shrugging. “It happened so fast. He was standing there, and then he was kissing me, and then he wasn’t kissing me, and I was saved by Master Luke calling us to meditation. And then I intercepted Beebee’s distress signal, got on the ship and went to get you. I haven’t seen him since.”

“Hang on,” Poe frowns. The jealousy in his chest has been replaced by something far more powerful. “You didn’t – you didn’t want this guy to kiss you?”

“No,” Rey makes a face. “Maybe? I don’t know. He's good-looking," nope, Poe's not jealous, he feels Totally Normal about Rey kissing good-looking guys, "and we're friends. It would have been nice to have a heads up, I guess. Took me by surprise. And I always thought my first kiss would be –” She cuts herself off, suddenly very embarrassed.

Poe figures it’s embarrassment over her naivete. “You thought it’d be something special.” Rey looks up, wearing a strange expression, and nods. “If it’s any consolation, Sunshine, my first kiss was awful. I was 18, she was 19, and we never talked to each other again after that. Thank gods she was assigned to a different training squadron.” He taps her on the knee, lightly. “But, we both agreed to it, so there’s that. What that guy did to you – no one should touch you unless you’re okay with it, Rey.”

Poe doesn’t say the thing that he’s thinking, the snarling voice inside of him saying _give me a name and I’ll fucking kill him for looking at you without your consent, how fucking dare he, who the fuck was it, I don’t even need him to put down his lightsaber when I kick his ass, I’ll go toe-to-toe with him, just fuckin’ watch me –_ and he realizes, with a jolt, that this is the first time he’s ever had a thought that’s truly, classifiably _dark_ , and he realizes it doesn’t scare him as much as it should.

“Yeah,” she nods, thoughtfully. “I’m still not sure how to feel about it. Ben’s one of my best friends, you know, especially at Temple, and I don’t want things to be weird between us—

“Hang on,” Poe interrupts, impatiently. “Back up. Sorry, Andor, I thought you said ‘some guy’ kissed you.”

“Well, yeah,” Rey gives him a strange look. “Ben’s a guy.”

“Ben Solo kissed you?” Poe asks, weakly. That’s fine. It’s cool. It was somehow easier to squash his feeling of jealousy when it was a faceless, pimple-faced teenager kissing Rey.

But the thought that it’s _Ben_ – son of a princess and a legendary war hero; the major hope for the Jedi, the strongest Force-user in the galaxy, present company excluded; handsome, tall, scholarly – their friend, a major part of both of their lives. Poe can’t compete with that. _Is it a competition?_

“Yes,” Rey nods once, and then nods again, more firmly. “He’s been acting weird since the last Festival we spent here.” Poe remembers Rey talking about that Festival, remembers how uncomfortable she'd sounded about Ben's intensity. “And now I know why. He told me he loved me.”  _That's my fucking line._

_Calm down, Dameron._

“You’re so much younger than he is,” Poe says weakly, to stop himself from saying anything else. It’s the wrong thing to say.

“I’m not even two years younger than him,” Rey snaps. “I’m 19, Poe. Not a child, no matter how much you see me as one.”

 _I don’t. Oh gods, I don’t. This would be easier if I did._ “I didn’t say that,” Poe coughs. “I just meant – he’s always been so condescending to you.”

Rey looks slightly mollified. “I guess,” she sighs and leans back against the tree.

Even as pissed as he is at Ben, there’s something she said that’s screaming at him. “Rey,” he says, coughing slightly to clear his throat. “What did you mean, _you’re 19._ I’m pretty sure you were eighteen, last time I checked.”

“Oh.” Rey taps her fingers against her thigh, thoughtfully. “So, you know how Master Luke said there wasn’t a lot known about my past?”

Poe nods, tracing a line in the dirt with his finger, if only so his hand has something to do, if only to stop himself from reaching over and holding her hand. “Yeah. He said you were on Jakku by yourself, and that’s all we knew.”

“He wasn’t being entirely truthful.” Rey has a weird half-smile on her face when Poe looks over.

“Oh.” He says. “Want to talk about it?” She shrugs, which he takes to mean _definitely fucking not,_ and he isn’t going to push her to talk.

But Rey talks anyway. “Luke went back after he dropped me off on Yavin to try and find my parents. He eventually found my mother. Apparently she was down on her luck and traded me for credits and food.” Rey’s face is tight, but not angry, and Poe finally stops resisting temptation and takes her hand, lifts it from where it’s clenching at her thigh, clenching hard enough to leave a bruise most likely.

“I’m sorry,” Poe says honestly. Rey shrugs, and that’s definitely an angry movement.

“She was starving,” Rey spits out. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply until the emotion has lifted from her face and body language. Poe doesn’t know a lot about the Jedi, but that skill, at least, seems useful. “She was starving, and she made a difficult choice. I can’t blame her for that. People get desperate.”

“Your father though,” Poe says softly. “Was he not involved?” He doesn’t know why he asked, other than: he just wants to know _more,_ wants to know how in the hells someone as perfect and wonderful as Rey was abandoned, was left in the desert to fend for herself, to be a slave. How was there not someone desperately searching for her, trying to get her back?

“There was no father.” Rey squeezes his hand and stares intensely at the ground.

“He left?” Poe guesses. But she shakes her head.

“No.” Her ears burn red, something Poe notes with curiosity. “No, all Luke could find out – because my mother died shortly after he found her – was that I was born in 9 ABY, not 10 ABY, and that there had been no father. Just. I don’t know. Suddenly she was pregnant?”

“That’s –“ Poe doesn’t have a word for what that is.

“Banthashit?” Rey snorts and looks at him briefly with dark amusement before she resumes staring at the ground. “Luke thought so too, apparently, but then he read her in the Force, and she was telling the truth. At least, she thought she was. He said it … wouldn’t be the first time there’d been a baby but no father.” What she means by that, she doesn’t say.

“So,” Poe says, trying to piece this all together. “You’re 19, not 18, your mother made a terrible, awful decisions, and you don’t have a father.”

Rey looks up, but not over at him, her body language rigid, and she drops his hand. “No,” she says angrily. “ _No_. I have a father.” Rey’s fist pounds against her thigh, her face fierce and determined. “And his name is Cassian Andor.” Something in her face crumbles after that, and she looks scared and sad enough that Poe’s own heart aches. “My father is Cassian Andor,” she repeats, as if to herself, and she wraps her arms around her torso tightly. “Cassian is my father, Poe. He’s the only one I need.”

He places his hand on her shoulder and squeezes gently until she looks over at him. Poe gives Rey Andor, his best friend, and apparently the love of his life, the softest smile he possibly could. “I know, sweetheart,” he says. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Me: this is going to be a short and breezy fic, less than 25k words, with quick, short updates. Me: Publishes a 5000+ word chapter)
> 
> Next Chapter: Diplomatic Mission
> 
> That's uh....  
> It's gonna be a doozy.


	8. Diplomatic Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe spends time with friend and family; Rey becomes a Jedi Knight; Leia requests her presence on a diplomatic mission with Poe to gain support and resources for the Resistance. Poe and Rey become closer than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> Smut  
> Smutty smut smut. Such smut. Lots of consent; vaginal intercourse; the most explicit part is the depiction of male to female oral sex. There won't be another described sex scene in this (unless y'all are into that sort of thing) so I didn't up the rating, but this is the sex scene I mentioned way back in Chapter One's warning!

The month Rey spends with him, Poe becomes more and more hopelessly in love with her. Everything he liked about her, appreciated about her as a kid, are now the things that he loves, things that make his breath catch and heart stop. Rey jumps from a tree and somersaults before landing; Poe's pretty sure he might swoon. Rey demonstrates how to fix a bug of Beebee's (and no, apparently the curse words it picked up from the other astromechs were not permanently embedded in its system), and Poe giggles, honestly giggles, in amazement. Rey pushes his hair out of his face after they race through the trees, and Poe's rooted to the spot, stomach churning in an eruption of butterflies, long after she's skipped away back to the main house. 

Poe turns twenty-two while she’s home, and they celebrate with his favorite meal, the tables pushed out onto the front lawn like when they were kids. Master Luke smiles at him just as much as he frowns absently at Rey, and Kes beams brighter than Yavin itself when he presents Poe with a homemade cake.

Things fall more or less together:

Leia’s decided to set up base for the Resistance here, under the Temple, and on D’Qar; Kes had been over the moon excited when she said she wanted Poe stationed on Yavin 4.

Rey will be spending some time at the Temple, finishing up her training as a Padawan; she’ll complete the Jedi Trials to become a Knight. Rey’s not the least bit nervous about it, which Poe admires. He’d definitely woken up three hours early on the day of his commissioning to vomit three times from nerves. Rey had always been braver than him, though, and he knows she’ll pass with flying colors.

She’ll be an incredible Jedi, and take on a Padawan of her own, and Poe will be further than ever from confessing his feelings to her. She'll be a Jedi, and he'll be a pilot. She'll save the galaxy, and he'll spend the rest of his life devoted to someone who can never know how much he loves her.

***  
When she leaves, Poe manages to smile and wave goodbye to her and Luke's ship until they hit atmo and accelerate away. Then, he feels like all the strings holding him up have been cut, and he almost collapses, sobbing. He can't remember to be ashamed to cry in front of his father and Rey's parents because he thinks his heart might honestly be breaking.

Someone hugs him tightly from the side, and Poe clings to their forearms. When he settles down enough to look over, he's shocked to see that it's not Kes Dameron holding him up:

It's Cassian Andor.

"I know," Cassian says, painful understanding on his face. "Trust me, Poe. I know."

***

Rey passes her Jedi Trials, easily, and he's thrilled for her when he receives her message; thrilled in a bittersweet way that he's trying to come to terms with.

The Resistance is keeping him busy; he trains younger pilots, and helps Leia with more than a few administrative issues on the base, and charms the older officers with more ease than he'd charmed the Republic's officers. 

He gets to exchange letters with Rey, and he's surprised that she isn't picking a Padawan yet - apparently none of them 'feel right,' more of that Force stuff he'll never understand - and he misses her so much it feels like someone's literally ripped part of his chest open, but it's okay, he's getting better at this, at this loving someone he can't have. Poe Dameron will love Rey Andor until the day he dies, and he'll carry it into the grave and probably beyond, and that will be okay. Because it has to be okay.

Leia asks him to go on a diplomatic mission to Corulag, to use some of his natural charms and Leia's words to get support from a wealthy baron. They need to fund the fleet - they have a handful of X-Wings and starfighters right now, and only one battleship that Poe's not asking how Leia got - and the baron's the best bet. 

Poe's more than excited to be trusted with such a responsibility, and he's straightening out his civilian clothes in his bunk when there's a knock on the door. "Come in!" He calls, trying to flatten his unruly curls. Leia isn't as strict about military haircuts as the Republic had been, and Poe's more than happy to be vain about his appearance again. What can he say? He knows he's objectively good-looking. No point in arguing the truth.

"Hello, Lieutenant," Leia walks in, smiling at him. Poe beams at her and grabs his luggage. "Are you ready to meet your bodyguard?"

"My bodyguard?" Poe laughs, wonderingly. "I need a bodyguard?" He's trained to kill - has killed, in fact - and he's fairly certain he can handle a baron and a bunch of wealthy assholes on a Core World.

"I think you do." Leia's smile is mysterious, but Poe pieces it together when she beckons to someone standing outside the door. Poe's jaw drops to the floor when Rey Andor, now wearing the full brown robes of the Jedi, walks in smiling at him. 

"I heard your ass needed protecting," Rey says cheerfully. Poe blinks at her, trying to hold it together. He hasn't seen her in six months, he misses her so much it hurts, and now she's  _here,_ and she's going to be with him for two full weeks? It's almost too much. Rey looks unsure of herself, suddenly, and Poe realizes he hasn't said anything still, so he walks forward quickly, tossing his luggage aside, and scoops Rey up into a bone-crushing hug that she immediately returns.

They're so busy embracing, both miss the all-knowing smirk on Leia Organa's face.

***

Han Solo reluctantly lends them the Falcon for the mission - the baron's a big fan, apparently - and Rey looks all too gleeful when she takes the pilot seat.

"Can't I fly?" Poe whines, sinking into the co-pilot's chair. BB-8 whirs around excitedly behind him, glad to be 'with both the Maker and its master,' and Poe grins at his little droid.

Rey smirks at Poe. "Sorry, Lieutenant. You are all too vital to the importance of this mission, and the success of the Resistance. As your bodyguard, it's in the interest of your safety that I fly this ship." He sticks his tongue out at her as she initiates take-off. Soon, they're exiting atmo and punching into Hyperspace. Rey's smiling happily next to him, the chair he's sitting in has a very comfortable ass-groove formed by a Wookie, and they have twelve hours before Corulag. So, Poe kicks back with his feet on the console (he takes them down after Rey smacks his shin - folds his hands behind his head, and takes a nap.

He wakes up, disoriented, the blue of Hyperspace still flashing by, to Rey talking to herself. 

"Just go away," she snaps. Poe opens his eyes a little more and sees how she's clutching the controls. "I already told you, I won't be back for weeks. So just - no, not now." Poe frowns and looks to where Rey's eyes have gone. The corner of the cockpit is empty, though, and when she turns back to look out the starviewer, there are tears on her face. "We've talked about this Ben. Go away." She flicks her hand impatiently, and then she wipes her face hastily.

Poe feels bad that he overheard...whatever that was, but he knows he doesn't want to hide that he heard it. "Sunshine?" He says softly. "What was that?"

Rey startles and looks at him, shocked. "You heard that? Shit." She pulls her robe tightly over her chest, another tear forming. Poe doesn't think twice before leaning over to wipe it away. It earns him a sad smile, which he returns.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." Rey fidgets with a sleeve. "I don't want to talk about all of it, but the Force...it connected me to Ben Solo. Back when we were children. The more time we've spent together," and Poe knows Ben kissed her, prays nothing else has happened besides that, that one kiss, "it's gotten deeper and more powerful than either of us can understand. I've done research, and apparently it's called a Force Bond. Ben thinks that it's a sign that we're meant to be together," and Poe's incredibly reassured by how large of an eye roll that statement incurs, "but I think it's because we're meant to help each other. Balance each other out, as fellow Jedi. I see him, and he can see me, when we're not physically near each other. But I can usually block him; he was just adamant about seeing me right now, wanted to know when I'd be back. I think he's gone for now, though."

"That sounds...really creepy?" Poe offers.

Rey laughs, thankfully, her face lightening already. "Yes," she agrees. "It really is, isn't it?"

***

They land and signal to the baron's people that they're ready for their escort. Poe changes into his nicest clothes, tucks his shirt into his pants, and briefly fights with his hair in the small mirror in his bunk. 

He wanders out, straightening his cuffs out, and walks to Rey's door. "You ready, Sunshine?"

"Almost," she calls back. Poe frowns briefly. In the fifteen years he's known her, Rey's never taken more than five seconds to get ready. 

The silence gets to him, so he starts talking. "So, the captain of my squadron, Wexley, is apparently called Snap? And no one will tell me why? It's like some long-running inside joke, even Leia's in on it." There's no real point to his story, but he leans against the wall and rambles on.

He’s still talking aimlessly when Rey walks out of her bunk, attaching an earring with a face that said she’d rather be spearing targets with her lightsaber. Poe swallows whatever he was going to say next because:

Rey Andor’s wearing a dress. Green, soft, floaty (that’s a word, he’s sticking to it), it clings to her every curve. It has a modest neckline, but it falls off her shoulders into a sheer half-cape, which floats around her hips (and why is he now noticing how her hip looks like it would fit perfectly against his palm?). Her long legs are hidden by the skirt of the dress, but when she steps forward, he sees there’s a generous slit. He stares at it more than he should. She notices.

“It’s in case I need to run,” she mumbles, embarrassed. “And all this extra material means I can hide my lightsaber.” She gestures, and sure enough, her weapon is attached to her hip. Rey smiles awkwardly, and Poe realizes how dry his throat is when he sees that her hair is braided into a crown again, her face clear of any sort of paint, her features lovely enough without it. “How do I look?” Poe nods, not be able to find his voice, and then he clears his throat, trying to figure out what part of Rey he can look at and not get in trouble for. "That bad, huh?" She looks crestfallen, and that's not okay, not when she looks:

"Gorgeous," Poe breathes. He curses himself because somehow he's pushed off the wall and is walking close to her. Rey's eyes widen and her face flushes, but Poe's gotta get a hold on things because now he's only a foot away from her. "You look gorgeous, Rey."

"Really?" Rey's face suggests she doubts that very much. "I didn't think pretty was something I could pull off, I really doubt gorgeous is on the table."

"What?" Poe asks, dumbfounded. "Sunshine, you're the most beautiful person I've ever known." At some point, he started looking into her eyes, but now he can't look away, and she isn't looking away either. The only sound in the galaxy that he can hear is her breathing, and if he listens closer, he swears he can hear her heart, matching his beat for beat. Time itself slows down, and Poe feels an inexorable tug behind his navel, demanding that he get as close as possible to this woman, as close as he can, right kriffing now, or the universe might cease to exist.

"Poe," Rey whispers, breaking the spell. "Poe, what are you doing?" He'd been leaning in, honestly, he'd been about to kiss her, and he blushes furiously, dragging his eyes away from her perfect mouth. 

"Something I've wanted to do for a while," he says honestly, and Rey's cheeks turn a flaming red.

“I can’t,” Rey shakes her head, looking scared and distant. “I won't lie and say I don't want to," and the ground falls out from underneath him," but Poe, I can’t, I am a Jedi, I cannot –” He places a shaking finger on her full, warm lips, and she stills.

“I thought Master Luke was changing the Jedi?” Poe says.

"Not that much," Rey laughs bitterly. "We can't do this, Poe, please, no matter how much we might want to -"

“Please, Rey." His hand rises of its own accord to trace a line down the side of her arm, and they both shiver from the gentle contact. "It would kill me to know the only reason we aren’t together is because of some dumb kriffing rule—”

“It’s not dumb,” Rey says hotly, knocking his hand out of the way. “Poe you have no idea – Luke told me that he means for me to take over for him when he moves on in the Force. I have an incredible responsibility in front of me, and I don’t reject you lightly, I truly don’t.”

“Reject me,” Poe huffs, angrily, but doesn’t move away. Rey could shove him through the Force literally without lifting a finger, so he knows he’s not interfering with her personal space. “So you are turning me down, then? You’re saying no to this? To being happy? To being with me?

“I –” Rey shakes her head, and then there’s a banging on the outside of the ship. Their contact. “Poe – I – I love you. Isn’t that enough?” He stares at her in shock, and she leans in, lightning quick, to kiss him on the cheek – she looks him in the eyes meaningfully when she pulls away, her bottom lip caught between her teeth in a way guaranteed to haunt his dreams – before she strides to the exit to lower the ramp and meet their guests.

***

They return from dinner, and Rey kicks off her heels, viciously. “Those are definitely torture devices,” she says, throwing them an extra ten feet through the Force. “Designed by Darth Vader himself, I bet.” She storms to her quarters, and Poe follows, ever in her orbit.

“Rey,” Poe says hoarsely, leaning against the doorway of her bunk. The Falcon was used by two people taller than both of them for decades, and it’s vaguely amusing, how much they have to walk around on tiptoe to reach shit.

Rey’s balancing on her toes right now so she can pull down a towel. She must be headed to the fresher.

“And those people, ugh,” Rey rolls her eyes. “Like, I get that I’m your bodyguard, or whatever, on this mission, and you’re Leia’s hope for a diplomatic future against whatever evil banthashit the First Order comes up with, but gods, they probably should pick someone to protect you who doesn’t fantasize about drowning pompous assholes in the punch.”

“Rey,” Poe tries again. She doesn’t stop from her flurry of movement, but she’s closer to him now, fiddling with the controls near her bed, adjusting the light levels.

“And, did you see how that man was leering at us? He probably would give Leia the fleet if one or both of us agreed to visit his bed chambers. Disgusting. And Leia can’t take the high ground if I murder him – I heard she choked Jabba the Hutt herself, with the chains he put her in –”

“Rey,” Poe says for the third time, this time the loudest of all. She pauses and looks at him, and he realizes he’s reached out for her, his hand hovering between them. He clears his throat and drops his hand. “Are we going to talk about it, Sunshine?”

“Talk about what, flyboy?” She smiles at him, sadly. “Nothing to talk about.”

She turns towards the ‘fresher, but Poe crowds into her bunk, knowing that he’s being rude, knowing that he’s pushing it, but gods, she can’t deny this, she _can’t_ : “Really? You telling me that you love me is ‘nothing’, now?”

“I’d hoped that would satisfy you,” Rey says angrily. She pulls her hair out of its braid and shakes her hair loose, which does not help Poe’s concentration at all. “Clearly I was wrong.”

“Wrong because you don’t actually love me?” Poe demands.

“No,” Rey snaps. “No. I already break the Code by loving you; I won’t break it further by lying about it. I’m sorry if me loving you somehow exacerbates your need to fuck me.”

Poe blinks, and remembers what he hasn’t said. “I love you,” he says quickly. “It’s not just about sex – it is about sex, a little bit – but gods, Rey, I love you. I’ve loved you for years. I think I even loved you when we were children, I just didn’t have the words for it yet.”

“Oh.”

"Yeah, oh," Poe says. They're standing near each other again, had drawn close together in their argument, and Poe swallows when he realizes he could count her freckles at this distance, that he wants to count her freckles, the ones on her nose, on her cheeks, on her neck and shoulders. He swallows again when he notes the freckles on her neck and shoulders. He wants to count those with his tongue.  _Get it together, Dameron._

"You actually love me?" Rey's incredulous.

"More than anything," Poe decides to go for the truth, no matter how intense it is. "I love you, and I want you, but I respect you and I'll drop this if you want me to."

Rey nods, and Poe's heart sinks. He smiles tightly at her - the next two weeks are going to be hellishly awkward - and turns to leave.

"What if I don't want you to? To drop it, I mean." Poe thinks his heart stopped beating. Feels that way. He pivots and stares at her shocked. Rey bites her lower lip (he tries his hardest not to be distracted just by that) and says, "What if I want you to kiss me?"

"You want me to kiss you?" Poe repeats, already walking forward. "You sure?"

Rey nods. "I wanted it to be you," she whispers, avoiding his eyes suddenly. His hand goes to stroke some hair out of her face, and he leaves his palm against her cheek. Rey leans into it, nuzzles into it, honestly.

"Wanted what to be me?" Poe asks weakly, still floored from her confession.

"I wanted you to be my first kiss." Her hazel eyes are locked on his suddenly, and Poe's leaning in without realizing it. "That's why I was so upset when Ben -"

"Don't talk about Ben right now," Poe begs. "I - I'm still so sorry that happened to you, and I'll try not to kick his ass the next time I see him because I know you don't need saving, but, gods, Rey, I don't want to sound dramatic, I think I might actually die if I don't kiss you."

"Then what are you waiting for, flyboy?" Her fingers thread through his belt loops, and Poe's entire body is on fire. "Kiss me, Poe." He closes the final distance between them, one hand still on Rey's cheek, the other resting on her waist, gently pulling her against him, and he presses his mouth to hers. 

Her lips are soft, warm, and Poe knows he could get lost in Rey Andor. She kisses him back tentatively at first, before surging forward with increased pressure, and Poe groans involuntarily when her hands clutch at the front of his shirt. It's only ten or so seconds, but Poe's fairly certain this is the most perfect kiss in the history of the galaxy. When they break apart, they don't release their hold on each other. Their foreheads rest against each other, and around the time when he realizes Rey's panting slightly, he notices that he is, too.

"Shit," Rey says after half a minute. 

"Yeah," Poe nods before ducking in to kiss her quickly, one more time, always pushing his luck, "Shit."

***

The rest of the two weeks is a blur of boring meetings, reports to Leia, and begging more than he'd like to. Rey's a constant presence behind him for the more unpleasant meetings, and his hand curl into fists when the baron continues to make inappropriate overtures towards her, but soon the day of departure comes, and Poe walks away with a sense of victory, and twenty ships confirmed for the Resistance. They leave directly after the meeting where those ships are promised, and they don't even take the time to change.

After exiting Corulag's atmo, Rey puts the ship into Hyperspace, and the cockpit is eerily quiet for a few minutes. There's been plenty of kisses the last two weeks, some more passionate than others - like the time Rey had climbed into his lap while he'd been typing up a report, an incident that had inspired thirty typos in a single report, a reprimand from BB-8, and a very confused response from Leia - but no discussion of what comes next, either in their burgeoning romance, or when they return.

"Poe," Rey says, and Poe looks over at her, desperately, searching for some sort of lifeline. She stands up and stares at him. "Poe." She holds her hand out, demanding silently, and Poe's helpless. He takes her hand and stands up too, pulling her in for a bruising kiss. This is different than every time before, they don't have time anymore, this is the last chance they have, to do this, and Poe wants to make every second of the next eighteen hours count, wants to kiss her the whole time. "Need more," she whispers into his mouth, and Poe nods in agreement. 

"Bed?" He asks, taking a risk as always, because that's what Rey and Poe do, push each other to take risks. Rey nods, ferociously.

"Yes," she whispers. "Yes, I - I want that."

They tumble to her bunk because it's slightly closer, and Poe thanks the Maker that she’s wearing a dress, a rarity for her but a common occurrence on this incredible, miraculous mission. He slides his hands up the backs of her trembling thighs, and grips gently, his thumbs pressing into a secret, soft part of her muscular thighs, and he spreads her legs enough that he can lie down between them.

“Oh,” Rey gasps, with the layers of his pants, his underwear, and her underwear still between them. “Oh, Poe.”

“Need you,” he says, and his words are almost all breath. “Please, Sunshine – never – never been with anyone, ‘m clean, got the implant, please –”

“Yes,” Rey nods, fervently. “Yes, Poe, I need you so much closer than this –” she starts to fumble with the fastenings of his pants, and Poe almost forgets how to undo the button himself when he tries to help her.

“Love you,” he says when she takes him in hand. “I love you so much.”

It’s blur of clothing being removed and frantic kisses in places he never thought he’d get to kiss – and Rey’s mouth on places he’d never allowed himself to dream of – but soon, it’s just them, just Poe staring in Rey’s eyes, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, again, and he kisses her chin, jaw, cheeks, nose, everything. He’s never been naked in front of a girl, and he knows it’s the same for her, she’s never been here either, and it makes it all a little less terrifying when their hands overlap around him to guide him to her, and he’s pushing in, choking out even more confessions in Yavinese and Basic.

Rey starts to cry, on the third thrust, and Poe stops, horrified. “Are you hurt?” he asks weakly. “We can stop, Sunshine, I swear, we can stop, I’ve heard that it’s too painful the first time for some females, it’s okay, we can –”

“No! No, it’s – what if we never get to do this again?” Rey cries, blinking away some more tears. Poe kisses her cheeks lovingly, and begins to move his hips again when she grips his ass and tries to pull him back in.

“We will,” he vows. “We’ll do this as often as we can, Rey, I promise,” He’s crying too, now, her doubt leaking into him. He shakes his head to clear it, imagines the hope he has for them, for their future, and tries to imagine it as a small ball of light, one he could push towards her.

“Poe?” Rey asks, back arching slightly as she tries to get even closer to him. “Are you doing that?”

Poe needs her to know that everything is going to be okay, so he doesn’t answer her question right away. “We’re gonna tell everyone,” he swears. “This isn’t going to be a secret, as soon as we figure everything out. There is nothing in the galaxy wrong with us loving each other. This is good, Rey. What we have, what we’re doing, is _good,_ and no one gets to tell us otherwise.”

Rey’s crying, or maybe he is. “Poe,” she whispers. “Is that? That feeling, is it you?”

“It’s us,” Poe tells her softly. “It’s how I feel about us.”

“It feels like gold,” Rey tells him, her hand framing his jaw even as he continues to gently rock his hips into her. “You always feel golden but this – Poe, it’s so beautiful.”

“And how can something beautiful be bad?” Poe begs her, nosing along the lines where her tears are drying. “It can’t be, Sunshine. There’s nothing you could do that’s bad. The uh – the Force told me.” He grins at her, hoping she knows he’s kidding about that last part, hope she doesn’t think it counts as sacrilege.

“That’s not how the Force works,” Rey scolds him, but’s she’s laughing, _kriff,_ his baby is laughing at something he said, his sweet girl, his Jedi, nothing’s better than that sound, there’s nothing better, nothing more pure and perfect than the sound of her laugh.

“You’re incredible,” he whispers into the crook of her neck, not even aware of it, but moving faster. Rey doesn’t seem to mind the pace, her hands scrabbling at his back while she whimpers. “Gods, Rey, I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“Me too,” Rey whispers. “I don’t care if it’s wrong, I don’t care if it goes against the Code. I love you, and that’s all that matters.” He slows down, feels a bead of sweat curving down his jaw. He watches, mystified, as it drops down and lands on the notch of her collarbone, and he doesn’t even think twice before he leans down, twisting his hips as he goes, to lick it clean. “Oh, fuck,” Rey moans, loudly. “Maker, Poe, what the fuck, do that again.”

“Do what?” He asks, grinning. “this?” He bats his eyes at her and twists his hips in the same way, and Rey almost screams.

“That’s – that’s nice, that’s very nice,” she laughs, shakily. Then, she somehow tightens around him, everything hotter and sweeter and he’s wrapped up in her, lost to her – Rey carves her nails down his back, ending just at the dimples above the swell of his ass, digging in slightly right there, right as she clenches once more around him. Poe sobs through his unexpected orgasm, the pleasure rolling over him in waves, cresting over and over again as he stills his hips and drops his head down to rest on his sweetheart’s shoulder.

“I love you,” he whispers, kissing the stretch of skin under him. “Kriff, Rey.”

“Is that all there is?” Rey says, laughingly. Poe pokes her in the side and rolls off her slightly, both of them wincing at the sudden separation. She smiles at him when he lies down on his side next to her.

“What d’you mean ‘is that all there is’?” Poe responds, pretending to be affronted. He clutches his chest. “I – I wasn’t any – did you not have a good time? That wasn’t good?”

Rey wrinkles her sweet, pert nose at him. “Hm,” she says, obviously trying not to laugh any more. “You were good. Very good, even.” Poe preens next to her. “I just thought – you know – this is all very forbidden by the Jedi,” Poe hides his wince, he’s definitely sure he hid his wince almost completely, and Rey determinedly stares at the ceiling, “But that entire time, I didn’t feel wicked or awful or – too much out of control? I always was taught that fucking,” ( _‘making love’_ Poe corrects mentally), “was this surrender to passion, and therefore to the Dark Side, but all I felt was…was how much I love you. I didn’t lose control or my mind or –“

“Hang on,” Poe suddenly feels like eight tons of bantha shit have been dropped on him. “That’s great, really great and all, but Rey,” he rubs a hand over his face. “I love that it was a positive experience, but uh,” he coughs, feeling his face and neck redden which is absurd because they’re lying side by side, naked, covered in sweat and other various fluids after sharing the most intimate thing two people can share, “When you say you didn’t lose control: does that mean you didn’t….come?”

“Come where?” Rey asks, eyes wide. Poe stares back at her.

“Like. What I did at the end?” Poe gestures at the evidence, and Rey sits up slightly on her elbows to dip a hand between her legs, curiously. “Like…what happens when you touch yourself?”

“I don’t,” Rey blushes deeply. “I – we were always taught not to.”

Poe stares at Rey, feeling impossibly dirty. _Well you did just deflower a Jedi Knight,_ he reminds himself. _And she deflowered you, too. You might get smited tomorrow. Smited? Smote? Gods, this can’t be good, this is going to end so badly, what were we thinking –_

“I can hear you overthinking,” Rey says lightly. Poe grins at her sheepishly, grins because she knows him so well, knows him better than anyone else in the entire galaxy. He loves Rey, and he wants her to feel good, always, but especially right now, when he still has a wrenching, consuming desire to have her close, even when he’s still soft against his thigh.

“Can I try something?” He asks, rolling over onto his stomach, but lifting his upper body up on his elbows, so he can see Rey’s reaction.

“Try what?” Rey asks, stretching out on the pillows with a look of contentment still on her face. She smiles dreamily at him, her hair fanned out above her head – at some point, he pulled it out of the buns, and with a blush he realizes he doesn’t remember when he did, he’d been so caught up in his own passion – her chest still pink from the exertion of their coupling, and Poe lets himself get distracted by how pretty her tits are for like, maybe ten seconds (which has to be a sign of powerful self-control), before he responds to her, his heart pounding in his ears again from how much he loves her, wants her, _wants her to feel good._

So, he tells her what he wants to do, and Rey bites her bottom lip. “That will feel good?” She asks, doubtfully.

“I won’t try it unless you’re okay with it,” Poe says quickly. “Definitely not. I just – I uh, saw it in a holo-reel, one another cadet had on their pad, and you know, it looked interesting, and I know a couple of people who’ve done it, liked it, on both ends, and the girl in the holo really liked it –“ _Stop telling the girl you’re in love with that you watch porn!_ His brain screams. _Abort! Eject! Eject!_

“Okay, don’t hurt yourself, Lieutenant,” Rey laughs, raising her hand to stroke his jaw. “You can try.”

“If you hate it, tell me and I’ll stop immediately,” Poe swears, sliding over until he’s off the bed, kneeling on the floor. He looks up at Rey and grins before he beckons her over. “Sit over here, sweetheart,” he croons. Rey shifts so she’s lying with her legs off the bed, her feet flat on the floor right in front of him. She keeps her legs pressed together, and Poe smiles at her; he puts his hands on her knees. “May I?” He asks breathlessly. Rey sits up and nods, looking a little embarrassed. When she lets him pry her legs apart, exposing her center to him, Poe feels nothing short of reverent. He stares unabashedly forward, and he knows that he’ll be hard again, very, very soon.

Rey shifts awkwardly, and when he looks up, she looks more embarrassed than before. “You’re beautiful,” he tells her softly. “All of you, Sunshine. You’re so kriffing beautiful, and thank you for trusting me.”

“I love you,” Rey answers, looking a little less flustered. Light floods Poe’s entire system again, and he wants, needs, to worship this woman. He leans in, starting with his fingers until Rey’s sighing, and then he presses his mouth against her, not really sure what he’s doing; but he decides quickly to pretend that it’s any other kind of kiss, alternating where he’s licking and sucking, testing what makes Rey gasp, or hiss, or moan – or, most thrillingly, bury her hands in his hair and _pull,_ pull him in closer, seemingly without control of herself.

“Poe!” Rey exhales loudly and collapses fully against the bed, no longer sitting upright. Poe applies himself with even more enthusiasm to the task, and yeah, he’s definitely hard again, how could he _not_ be, when Rey says his name like that, when he’s making her feel good. This is better than flying, this has to be better than anything else in the galaxy, holy gods, why do people do anything besides this?

When he figures out how to use his mouth and his fingers in equal measure – at one point, he pulled away so it was just his fingers, but looking at Rey’s face, twisted in pleasure with her eyes closed and cheeks flushed, made him uncomfortably close to cumming himself – Rey screams, and Poe picks up the pace, forgoing his previous tactic of switching where and how he was applying pressure, and just decides to focus on the bundle of nerves at the top. It’s clearly the right thing to do, given the increase in wetness around his fingers, the clenching of Rey’s body while she moans his name loudly ( _nothing like this in the galaxy,_ Poe thinks dazedly, absentmindedly grinding against the heel of his free hand), and he lazily presses kisses into the inside of her left thigh until she’s shivering a little less frequently, her body relaxing around him.

Poe wipes his hand on the covers (whispering an apology to Han Solo for how they’ve abused the bed in the last hour) and climbs up next to her, yanking the blanket from the bottom and pulling it over their lower halves.

“I love you,” he says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Thank you.”

Rey stares at him, eyes glassy, and mouth half-open. He kisses her cheek, then her forehead, and then gathers her up in his arms. When Rey hasn’t said anything ten seconds later, he asks, “Did I break you?”

He grins down at her cheekily, and Rey blinks several times before she swats him on the arm. “Yes.” She says in an accusing voice. “You did break me.”

“Did you maybe lose control _that_ time?” Poe really shouldn’t be so happy about this. But, here he is, walking on air, holding a naked, beautiful woman in his arms, a woman who he now knows even more intimately than he ever could have hoped for. Rey scowls at him, and he quickly kisses the top of her head because she’s still beautiful even when frowning.

“Why do you have to be good at everything?” Rey demands. “That’s not fair.”

“I don’t know if I would have been good at that if it wasn’t you,” Poe says honestly. “I just really, really wanted to make it good for you. I did, then?”

“Stop fishing for compliments, flyboy.” Rey sighs but snuggles closer to him, and Poe could be singing, he’s so stupidly content right now. There’s a pause, and then, “I love you, too, by the way.”

“Well, now that we’ve established that,” Poe says, greatly satisfied with pretty much everything that’s happening.

“Round two?” Rey asks, hopefully, hand knocking against his erection. Poe’s all for that idea, and flops down on his back.

“You on top this time?” He asks eagerly.

“That’s a thing?” Rey sits upright quickly, and goes to climb on top of him, but even though Poe’s more than a little thrilled by her enthusiasm, he doesn’t miss the wince of pain on her face.

“Let’s try later, actually,” Poe says. “If you’re sore, let’s not push it, okay?”

“Okay,” Rey huffs. Poe smiles at her and brushes some of her hair out of her face. “I just-“ Her face falls, and Poe feels his spirits fall a little bit with it.

“Just what, sweetheart?”

“I just wish we had more time,” Rey whispers, blinking away sudden tears. She lies down next to him, also on her back. It’s their last day on this mission, they’re in Hyperspace right now, and they’ll be arriving back on base by morning. Those were all facts Poe Dameron let himself forget when he stole a handful of perfect moments with Rey Andor.

“You don’t have to leave right away when we get back. Stay with me,” Poe begs. “Please, just. Stay. One more day?”

Rey nods, biting her lip, and turns so she’s on her side, draping herself halfway over his torso, nuzzling under his chin, her legs twining around his. “I’ll stay,” she promises. “I’ll stay as long as I can.” Poe holds her tight, kissing the top of her head before he falls into a blissful, deep sleep, broken only by visions of the woman he loves dressed in starlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: "Fallout"  
> Poe and Rey are separated once more, and at least one of them deals with the consequences of their relationship
> 
> The Angst Begins
> 
>  
> 
> p.s. in an early draft of this, I had Ben arriving to celebrate Festival with the crew, but Poe punched him without warning over him kissing Rey without consent. I took it out b/c as satisfying as it was, it felt too OOC/weird for Poe to attack someone without provocation to defend a woman who defends herself/it came off as borderline jealous, and that was not the intention.


	9. Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Rey are separated once more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings other than:  
> *Post-sex intimacy/implied sexual encounter  
> * Luke Skywalker being a Real Big Jerkwad (seriously you aren’t going to like him)

About twelve hours into their journey, Poe blinks awake to Rey smiling at him. At some point, they’d shifted to lie side by side, and his arm is now slung around her waist. Before his brain’s even fully back online, he strokes his hand up and down her side, deeply enjoying the way she shivers from it. Poe leans in, eyes still heavy, to kiss Rey on the tip of her nose. He leaves his head that much closer to her on the pillow, their noses now almost touching. He takes her small hand and brings it to his lips, kissing her knuckles. He takes a brief, exhilarating moment to imagine the silver ring he wears on a necklace around her fourth finger. Poe thinks it would look good. He thinks that's an understatement.

“Hello,” Rey whispers, interrupting his pleasant train of thought.

“Hey. ‘S it morning already?” Poe mumbles, still smiling even though he’s not entirely sure this is real life and not some perfect dream.

“No.” Rey shakes her head, scooting in closer to kiss him on the lips. Poe hums softly into it, sliding his hand around to the small of her back to pull her in even more. “It’s a quarter to 0400.” 

“Sounds like morning to me,” Poe counters. And truthfully, if he were in the barracks, he’d be getting up in less than an hour anyway. But here, tucked away under the blankets with the woman he loves, lazy and content and full to burst with happiness, Poe’s starting to see the appeal of sleeping in.

Or, not sleeping, based on the way Rey’s looking at him. She leans forward to kiss him a little less chastely, with a little more teeth, a little more tongue. Poe’s all too happy to oblige, and when Rey swings a leg over him, he’s also all too happy to sit back and admire Rey Andor in the low lighting of her bunk.

They trade lazy kisses when Rey’s brought them both to a satisfying conclusion – _she really is the better pilot, after all_ , Poe thinks to himself wonderingly while tracing her bottom lip – and Poe oddly feels like crying when she tells him she loves him.

“I love you more than anything,” Poe answers, feeling sleepy again. It’s like all the tension in his body, the tension he was only half-aware of carrying these last six months, these last twenty-two years, has bled out of him, leaving him wrung-out, exhausted, and eager to snuggle in close to Rey.

“Look at you,” Rey laughs, scratching her nails along his scalp. Poe’s eyes flutter shut fully at how good it feels. “Like my own little Lotho-cat. Did I wear you out, Lieutenant?”

Poe moans, half in lust, half in contentment. “Yep,” he says blithely. “Totally your fault.” Rey kisses him, and he doesn’t open his eyes to return it, just wraps an arm around her shoulders trying to pull her in to himself, and tangles his fingers in her now messy hair. “You gonna hang out on Yavin 4 still? When we get back?” He tries not to let himself sound too needy, but the honest truth is he’s needy as hell. Now that he’s had Rey, heard her sweet voice say she loves him, heard her gasp his name, felt her closer than he’s ever felt anyone - he never wants to let her go.

“Yes,” Rey answers. Poe hums quietly in the back of his throat as a response, and Rey snuggles against his side, clearly lying down once more. He tries to open his eyes so he can look at her, so he can appreciate how beautiful she is – Rey Andor’s already burnt into every part of his brain, so he doesn’t feel too bad when his eyes are too heavy to open. He’ll stare at her in the morning, under the light of Yavin, whenever she’ll let him.

“Love you,” is the last full thought Poe’s capable of, and he’s under before she says it back.

***

She’s gone when he wakes up. The bunk next to him is cold, and when he sprints to the front of the Falcon, he sees that they’re on base. “How long was I asleep for?” Poe mutters wiping a hand over his face. The log indicates that they landed four hours ago, around 0900. “Rey?” He calls, desperately hoping she’ll pop out of the ‘fresher, or emerge from the engines belowdecks. “Rey, Sunshine, you there?”

[Rey, The Maker, is gone] Beebee announces, rolling towards him. [She exited the Falcon and boarded a waiting A-Wing this morning. She was very –] Beebee calculates for a second [Upset. She was crying.]

“Kriff,” Poe moans, slumping into the pilot’s chair. “Gods, I pushed her too hard, didn’t I? How long was she crying, buddy?” He hopes his droid wasn’t present when they made love, but if he was nearby, maybe BB could tell him when it all went to shit.

[Rey cried for 2.4 standard hours] Beebee reports. [She began after the visitor left, around 0500]

“The visitor?” Poe blinks in confusion. “Beebee, buddy, we were still in Hyperspace at 0500. Who possibly could have visited us?” His droid trills anxiously. “Did you see them?”

[I saw them speaking] Beebee answers. [Rey emerged from the quarters you shared around 0500, and then she met with the visitor. She was -] There's the strange, calculating noise again, before Beebee tries a different approach to the phrasing. [She demonstrated signs of extreme emotional distress. I was not able to offer help, but she was unwilling to wake you.]

Poe desperately wishes she had. “Did your security protocol – do you have a recording of it?”

[Yes]. Beebee rolls back guiltily. [My memory banks contain a recording of the meeting. I was not trying to eavesdrop. I merely wanted to make sure Maker Rey was safe.]

“I know buddy,” Poe says encouragingly. “Can you play it for me?” Beebee gives off a sound that’s suspiciously similar to a sigh and rolls forward, its projector extending from below its optical unit. “Start from where you came in.”

The holo-vid projects in front of Poe, near the console, and he immediately leans in to study the way he and Rey are tangled together on the bed. It looks – it looks so damn right, he realizes, his throat tightening.

In the holo, Rey sits up and stretches. She’s smiling so bright he swears it lights up the entire recording, and she runs her fingers down past-Poe’s arm lightly. In the present, Poe shivers in response, the sensory memory of her touch still so powerful even in his anxiety. She climbs over him, careful not to disturb him, and he smiles at her thoughtfulness.

Beebee clearly follows her out of the bunk, through the Falcon. Rey putters around, fixing caf in the kitchens; she smiles and pets Beebee more than once, judging by the way the camera zooms in and out around her frame. The holo-vid’s timer indicates that it’s 0438, around eight hours ago. Rey’s still happy, Rey isn’t crying, and Poe’s been blissfully asleep for half an hour.

Girl and droid walk together back to the bunk, and Beebee whirls away to the corner to be out of the way. Rey hums to herself before sitting on the edge of the bunk lightly. She smiles at past-Poe mischievously, and her hand reaches out, about to shake him awake doubtlessly, and –

Rey gasps, her head turning so quickly he misses the movement in the feedback of the holo.

“So it’s true.” Master Luke Skywalker appears in her bunk, and Rey scrambles off the bed, obviously blushing as she wraps a loose blanket around herself, trying to hide that she only wears Poe’s abandoned shirt, at the same time she throws a blanket over Poe’s lower half, to hide his nakedness.

“What’s true?” Rey snaps. Her blush is apparent even in the light of the holo-vid.

“You gave in to the seduction of the Dark Side.”

Poe’s heart shatters at the look of horror on Rey’s face.

“No,” she shakes her head, violently. “No, there was nothing wrong with what we did; Poe and I were planning on telling everyone as soon as we got back.”

“Don’t lie to me, Rey,” Luke says tiredly. “I felt the disturbance in the Force an hour ago.  A massive shift from Light to Dark.”

“What?” Rey must be thinking the same thing he is – that they hadn't even made love for the first time when Luke claimed he felt the shift. They began last night, so why didn’t Luke sense it then? “Unless you saw me, unless you saw that _I_ fell, then how can you be so sure?” Rey asks hotly, and Poe nods, fervently while he watches.

“Who else would it be, Rey?” Luke sighs. “You are the only Jedi not at the Temple right now, and I know what goes on in my own temple. And I’ve – I’ve seen your dreams, Rey. Not on purpose, but I’ve seen them. You’ve desired Poe Dameron for so long now, it’s no surprise what you would sacrifice to be with him.”

“It’s not desire,” Rey says, angrily, starting to cry. “It’s not just lust, Master Skywalker. I love him.” Their argument is beginning to rise above a whisper, and Poe realizes one or both of them must have been blocking his hearing so he wouldn’t wake. “I love Poe, and love isn’t wrong.”

“Tell that to my mother,” Luke answers bitterly, and Rey recoils as if struck. “You and my father are terrifyingly similar, Rey. Both were enslaved, both suffered terribly, both were fiercely protective of loved ones. Both of you didn’t have a father, and instead were born of the Force.” Rey of the past doesn’t look surprised, but shock rocks through Poe’s system.

In the vid, Luke continues. “My father loved Padme, my mother, loved her powerfully. But he killed her. My father loved my mother, yes, but he was prone to jealousy and rage, and that led to her death while he desperately sought a way to keep her alive, forever. His love nearly destroyed everything. That’s what I felt in the Force an hour ago – love, and the potential for destruction inside that love.”

“You aren’t listening to me, Master,” Rey begs. “ _Please._ I know Poe isn’t mine to keep. I know he’s a pilot, and I’m a Jedi. I know he or I could die at any time. I wouldn’t fight the Force or betray my orders to save one of us because that isn’t love. I just want to value my time with him-“

“Time you don’t even have,” Luke points out gently. “Rey, you are the most promising Jedi at the Temple – you’re even stronger than my nephew at times. Like my father, you have a great destiny ahead of you, a destiny I need to guide you towards. Your entire life should be consumed by studying the Force, not dalliances with pilots.”

“It’s not a dalliance!” Rey yells now, and Poe’s shocked he managed to sleep through this. He's also grappling with unbridled rage – _how dare Master Luke say this to her? As if what she wanted didn’t matter? As if what she and Poe had didn’t matter?_ “I love him, and he loves me. I’m sorry that I can’t be the perfect Jedi you need me to be, but I want a life with Poe, too. I can have both.”

“You can?” Luke still doesn’t even sound angry, the old bastard. He sounds maddeningly calm. “If it’s a domestic life you want, Rey, you won’t be able to have that. You’ll have to leave constantly, to train new Jedi. You’ll have to meditate, for hours, daily. You’ll have to study the texts, carry on the legacy – there isn’t much time left in the day when all your duties are complete. Think about what that will do to Poe Dameron. You and I both know that the boy is idealistic, a romantic. What will you be able to offer him?”

“Me,” Rey cries, wiping her eyes in earnest now. “I’d give him myself, and my love, and that’d be enough.”

_Fuck yes it would._

“No, Rey.” Luke holds a hand out to her soothingly. “No, my dear, I’m sorry. You would offer him nothing but heartbreak, and confusion, and maybe something much worse.”

“Poe isn’t Padme, and I’m not Anakin,” Rey says plaintively, taking the projection of Luke’s hand. “I can’t live without Poe, Master Luke. He’s my best friend. Please.” There’s a pause, and Poe leans in closer, examining Rey’s face. She looks thoughtful, suddenly. “What do you mean, something much worse?”

Luke doesn’t answer right away.

“Master Luke, tell me,” Rey demands. “Please. If you’re going to try to tell me I’m no good for Poe, you need to be honest with me.”

The older man lets out a reluctant breath. “I’ve had … a vision.”

“What kind of vision?” Rey asks, her other hand coming up to grip Luke’s. “Luke, please –”

“A vision of you,” Luke says softly, his large eyes full of grief. “I can show you, if you let me.” Rey nods, and Luke lifts his hand away from hers, lifts his hand to put on her temple. Both Jedi close their eyes, and there’s a minute long period of silence.

In the present, Beebee chirps anxiously, and Poe holds a warning hand out to his droid, trying to examine the faces of the two people in the holo-vid. To his horror, Rey starts to cry silently before whatever Luke shows her is over.

“No,” she gasps suddenly, stumbling away. “That’s not – that can’t be real. It can’t.”

“It is,” Luke says simply. “It’s true, Rey. I’m sorry. If you follow this path, you will bring nothing but pain to Poe Dameron’s life. Possibly even his death, or your death. Your love will destroy him.”

“I didn’t even see myself in that vision,” Rey sobs. “It doesn’t – it doesn’t make any sense, Luke. I don’t understand.” Her body is wracked with sobs, and the projection of Luke makes no move to comfort her. Instead, he lets her cry, her arms wrapped around her middle. Poe wants to climb into the holo-vid and hold her, wants to tell her he’d die ten thousand times, suffer any pain, just to have an hour with her. But, Rey’s tear-streaked face looks up after a moment, and his chest fills with dread at the look on it. He knows that look, knows it as well as he knows Rey Andor. She’s made up her mind; now, she’ll never change it. Rey's the most stubborn person he's ever known.

“Tell me what I have to do,” she says, voice oddly steady. “Tell me what I must do to stop what you've seen from coming to pass.”

“It might be too late, my child,” Luke says heavily, and Rey shudders. “But, come back to the Temple. End things with Poe, and come back fully. No more hidden holo-pad,” and of course Luke had known about her connection to the outside world. If Poe wasn’t so nauseated, he’d laugh. “No more solo missions, no more temptations. Not until we’ve moved past this trial. It’s not too late for you, my apprentice. I know your heart to be good. We can stop the Dark from taking over.”

Rey nods, miserably.

“Report to the Temple no later than standard noon,” Luke says softly. His hand finally reaches out to grab her shoulder, but Rey doesn’t look up from where she stares at the floor. “Cut off all sources of temptation, and re-dedicate yourself to the Jedi, Rey. I fear the worst, otherwise.” She nods once more, defeated, and the second Luke vanishes, she falls to her knees and weeps openly.

“Stop,” Poe whispers. Beebee doesn’t, not right away, so Poe says it again, louder. “Stop it, BB-8. Turn it off.” The holo-recording cuts off, and Poe chokes on the tidal wave of emotion in his chest.

[Are you alright?] Beebee coos anxiously, bumping against him. [Do you require Medical assistance?]

Poe doesn’t respond, just turns and rests his head on his droid. Hot tears slide out of his eyes, rolling onto the cool metal below him, and Beebee trills soothingly. Poe makes no move to get up and disembark the Falcon even though he was due at debrief almost an hour ago.

When the ramp lowers and someone tromps aboard, he doesn’t even look up. He hears the inhalation of surprise, and then the newcomer rushes over to kneel next to him.

“I had a feeling –“ General Organa interrupts his misery briefly with her unexpected voice, but Poe still can’t look up. Her arms wrap around him, and Poe clutches at her arm, starting to cry once more. “My brother is a kriffing idiot,” Leia says warmly. Poe can’t even laugh at the curse word in Leia’s mouth, not when his heart has fully, finally shattered, the pieces orbiting the spot where his hope for a brighter future used to be.

Leia encourages him to get up, and walks him personally to his bunk. She leaves him there, and after a minute, Poe digs through his pile of shit desperately until he finds what he’s looking for. He clicks the holo-pad open and shoots off a cursory message, testing to make sure Luke’s edict was final.

_Hey Sunshine. Please tell me you’re okay. -P_

The message bounces back immediately. [ _This address cannot be reached. It has been permanently disconnected. Please use the directory to find the appropriate address of the person you are trying to reach_ ].

Poe hurls the holo-pad against the opposite wall and sits down on the bed, clutching at his curls. The intense emotional turmoil of the last day weighs heavily on him, and he puts his head between his knees, trying to control his breath, trying to squash the need to vomit everywhere.

“Rey,” Poe mutters hoarsely. “Oh gods, Rey.” He might never see her again. He doesn’t know what vision Luke showed her to change her mind, but the reality of never seeing Rey again, so soon after thinking they had a future together – _fuck, he’d been so naïve_ – slams into him harder than a dreadnought going full speed.

He has to report to weapons training at 1700, and Poe feels hollowed out, distant while firing his blaster.

He’s never shot so well.

Snap joyfully smacks him on the shoulder when he finishes the course in record time. “Fantastic work today, Lieutenant!” He roars.

“Thank you, Captain.” Poe answers remotely, shoving his blaster back into the holster. He salutes at Snap, turns, and marches back to his rooms, where the shattered screen of his holo-pad blinks the same, cruel message of disconnection. A cavernous void opens up inside him, one he’s terrified of looking into, but one that swallows him whole regardless. He sits on his bunk, and falls asleep sitting upright, clutching his mother’s ring, the one he’d been so foolish to imagine on Rey’s slender finger.  

The next morning, he runs faster than everyone.

During the afternoon's flight drill, he outflies them all.

During the evening's weapons training, he scores the highest.

In the mornings, he runs faster than everyone.

During flight drills, he outflies them all.

He outshoots them, he outruns them, he outflies them.

Poe Dameron quickly becomes recognized as the best pilot in the Resistance.

And he doesn’t feel a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: "The Dark Side"
> 
> ~The Pain Train will hit maximum speed~


	10. The Dark Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe struggles with his continued separation from Rey; a disturbing distress signal from Luke's temple throws the balance of the galaxy into question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS FOR DAYS:  
> This maps out the destruction of Luke's temple briefly shown in The Force Awakens. This means that a certain character gives in to the Dark Side and commits serious atrocities. 
> 
> Warning: Violence against children/threats against children/death of children. One child's death is reflected on, namely that they seemed to have been choked to death, but there's no physical sign of trauma on the neck (i.e. Force choking)  
> Warning: Serious. SERIOUS Major Character Injury. Implied only at this point, at end of chapter.

Two months after the last time he saw Rey (he can’t help but keep time this way now; two months ago was the last time he held her, the last time he kissed her, the last time he felt whole), Cassian Andor approaches him in the mess.

As a hero of the Rebellion, he comes and goes for strategy meetings, but he and Jyn have stayed ‘mostly’ retired. Poe knows that Jyn would rather be in the thick of it, but Cassian’s desire to no longer fight (caused by his exhaustion and endless commitment since the age of six) overrides her own need for adventure; Jyn Erso is a rebel, a fighter, a warrior – but she loves her husband, and she tempers her fire for his sake.

“Dameron. A word?” Cassian says him, grey-faced. He nods towards the exit, and Poe stands and follows him awkwardly, not sure where this is going. He’s seen Uncle Cass the last two months, here and there on his days off. He goes to see his dad (and Kes has been more than aware of the change in Poe’s disposition since he was separated from Rey), and Cassian’s often there, helping his dad tinker with threshers or just shooting the shit over the past.

“What do you need, Colonel?” Poe rarely addresses Cassian by his title, but standing in the middle of base wearing his uniform, it feels right.

“It’s Rey,” Cassian swallows and looks at him out of the corner of his eye. Poe tries not to let his expression change, but his heart plummets. _Does Cassian want to kill me for sleeping with his daughter?_ Rationally, he’d known that was a possible outcome, but it’s gonna suck to die now, when he hasn’t even seen her for weeks on end.

“Is she alright?” Poe hears himself asking.

Cassian shakes his head, and Poe’s rocked by an entirely different fear. “What happened? Was there an accident? Is she okay? What’s going on?” His stream of questions is surely exposing his more than platonic interest in Rey, but Poe needs to know, now.

“She’s sick,” Cassian mumbles, coming to a stop at the dead end of a corridor. He looks around and then leans against the wall. Poe’s frozen where he stands, across from the father of the woman he loves.

“How sick?” Poe whispers when Cassian doesn’t continue. He has a vivid memory flash then, of Luke Skywalker sitting him down and telling him that his mother wasn’t going to get better. Poe needs to sit down. He needs to sit down. He needs to –

Cassian grabs him by the arms. Apparently, he’d stumbled forward in his downward spiral, and the ex-spy helps prop him up against the wall, next to him. Poe sags into it, needing the support, and stares bleakly at the opposite duracrete wall.

“She’s not going to die, Poe.” The words are firm but kind, and as tired as Cassian looks, he manages a smile when Poe stares at him, grabbing onto his statement like a lifeline. “She’s just- not herself. Her mother and I went to visit her at the temple, and she was…distracted. She’d lost weight, and Luke mentioned that she was meditating more, eating less. But it was like the spark had gone out of her. It’s more of a,” Cassian waves his hand around, and says the word in Festian, which is just close enough to Yavinese for Poe to understand. “ _heartsickness.”_

“Yeah, I know about that,” Poe mutters darkly, before he can stop himself. He feels Cassian’s eyes on his face, and he feels the blood rush to his cheeks.

“So you two had a fight? That’s why I came here, to see if you’d had a fight, or if you’d heard from her.”

“Not since I saw her last,” Poe says. He makes himself to look at Cassian. “And we didn’t have a fight. The opposite, really. We—” He forces himself to say it, and it comes out choppily as he stares at the ground once more. “We’re in love. Luke didn’t approve when he found out. He demanded that Rey cut off all contact with me.”

“Son of a –” Cassian curses colorfully in three languages, and Poe nods miserably in agreement. “Why would he – Why?”

“He insisted that he’d felt her fall to the Dark Side.” What’s left of Poe’s heart, the part not fully wasted by the last two months of miserable separation, twangs painfully. “Said that I was a dalliance, would only distract her, was pulling her down.” Tears are burning in his eyes now, his throat raw from it, but it does little to counteract the hollowness in his chest. “Said that she needed to re-dedicate herself to the Jedi, or one of us would die.”

Cassian’s silent for a minute, and Poe thinks maybe the last part convinced him of how right Luke had been – and Poe himself has tussled with it in the last weeks, struggled with the concept of keeping Rey safe, struggled with seeing the logic of keeping Rey safe, before always landing on _but what about her choice?_ – but then he clears his throat. “Do you remember Bodhi?”

Poe looks over at him, surprised but not all that confused. “Yes.” Poe nods, thoughtfully, distracted momentarily from his anger. He doesn’t mention Bodhi’s part in Rogue One, his status as a pilot, his heroism that led to his death – Kes always talks about Bodhi, and so does Jyn. Cassian though. Cassian doesn’t do as well with ghosts. “He was…kind. Bodhi was always really nice to me as a kid. Nice to everyone, even Kay.”

“Jyn loved Bodhi,” Cassian says softly. His arms cross over his chest, and his eyes still look tired, but he looks more nostalgic than anything else. “Loved him like a brother. We both did, really. But Luke. Luke loved Bodhi in a much deeper way. Not too differently from how I imagine my daughter loves you.” Poe stares at Cassian, shocked to hear him speak so openly of the past, of emotions, shocked to hear him acknowledge Rey’s love for Poe. “I guess they have that in common, a preference for pilots.” He laughs, and it’s tired, but not bitter. “When Bodhi died, it nearly destroyed Luke. I’m sure you remember, but we didn’t see him for a year after his death. Jyn was distraught, too, but she was always good at controlling her emotions. Luke though, as the son of Darth Vader…” Poe nods, but doesn’t react. The news that Leia and Luke were children of Vader shocked the galaxy four years ago when it was dropped at the end of Leia’s time in the Senate. He never got a chance to ask Ben how he felt about it. It’s a distant regret of Poe’s, but he’s had so many regrets since, it’s hard to keep track.

Cassian isn’t done reflecting, here in the present. “Luke may be over-correcting. Vader almost destroyed the galaxy after he lost his wife, and Luke almost destroyed himself after his love died. Perhaps he thinks he spares you two that pain by separating you. Perhaps that was always the Jedi’s biggest failure, not recognizing that true love is worth that pain, worth any cost.”

Poe nods, miserably. “Yeah,” he says softly. “I’d…I’d do anything just to see her one more time.” He hates that she isn’t doing well, hates that she’s stopped taking care of herself, hates that Luke’s separated them. Poe takes a deep, shuddering breath and tries to focus on the things he loves, instead. It’s been a coping mechanism these months apart from Rey. Poe has a long list of things he loves. Rey’s laugh, for one. Her smile, for another. Her freckles, her dimple that he was briefly allowed to kiss, her fingers, the scar under her collarbone that he’s traced with trembling hands, her spirit, her strength, her courage.

Cassian breaks the silence that’s fallen between them first. “For what it’s worth, me and Jyn, and your dad…we always,” Cassian coughs, nudges Poe with his shoulder. “We always thought you two would get married.”

Poe smiles at Cassian but it’s a half-effort at best. He feels his face crumble even as he admits, “I did, too.” Cassian pulls him into a hug, pulls him in quickly, and Poe sobs into his shoulder. “I did too,” he repeats, over and over again, Cassian rubbing comforting circles on his back.

***

Black Squadron returns from a successful mission, and Poe thinks that he might be turning a corner on the overwhelming grief that swallows him whole every day because he feels pretty good about how he flew.

Snap asks him to handle debrief so he can head to medical and get a burn checked out, and Poe only gives him shit about his piss-poor flying for about five seconds before agreeing.

They’re all so exhausted and high on adrenaline that they take a second to notice the people sprinting around them, but when they do, Snaps nods his head towards Central. “Figure out what that’s about, Lieutenant.”

“Yes sir.” He salutes and jogs towards Command. It’s in chaos when he gets there.

“Poe!” Leia calls, grey-faced. He walks over, quickly, straightening out his flightsuit as well as he can. The last two months have made it even more clear that they’re taking a wild gamble with this military force; but, he’d follow Leia Organa anywhere, and he wants to show her proper respect even when he’s so tired he might fall through the floor.

“Yes, General?” Poe stands at attention and waits.

“We received a distress call twenty minutes ago,” she says, looking terrified. It immediately sets his teeth on edge.

“Where, General?” Poe asks. “You need me to get into an X-Wing and blow some stuff up?”

“No,” Leia shakes her head. “No, I need you to get into an X-Wing and see who you can save, Poe. You and your squadron. Someone’s gone to Medical to intercept Snap. Droids are firing up your engines now.”

“Leia?” Poe looks at her, and he sees that she’s shaking. “Leia, where was this distress call?”

Kaydel Connix, a junior officer, looks up from her screen when Leia doesn’t answer. “It came from Luke Skywalker’s temple, Lieutenant.”

“What?” Poe asks again, the pieces not falling together yet. “No, that’s impossible, those are Jedi –”

 _They’re an organization of peace. Rey’s always saying that. They’re peacekeepers – who would attack them? The Temple is mostly children._ Oh gods.

“Who would attack the Jedi?” Poe demands, already burning to sprint to his bird, but he can’t leave without full orders, without more information.

“It’s a group calling themselves the Knights of Ren,” Connix says when Leia doesn’t respond. “We’ve been following them for a while, and they’re somehow connected to the First Order. They took credit for the attack on the temple ten minutes ago. We were requested to send back up, and we sent a squadron as soon as we got the first distress call.”

“Okay,” Poe nods. “Okay, Black Squadron and I will follow, help with evac.” Leia’s nodding, but then the computer screams – another incoming transmission.

“It’s from Rey Andor,” Connix says, looking pale.

“Play it,” Leia orders. “Dameron and Black Squadron need to be as well informed as possible before he goes.”

“Already on it.” Connix fiddles with something on her console, and then an image of Rey appears, a holo-transmission.

It’s the first time he’s seen her in over two months, and his stomach clenches. She’s bleeding from a cut under her eye, and there’s a vicious looking slash on her right arm. Poe immediately knows he’ll spend time kissing the scar later, Luke Skywalker be damned, as soon as he’s pulled her out of there. Rey’s in full warrior mode, and he loves her, he loves her so fucking much –

Rey looks like a warrior, but she also looks terrified. “My name is Rey Andor, and I am a Knight of the Jedi Order. This message is for General Leia Organa of the Resistance. As you know, the Jedi Temple is under attack. It began twenty two minutes ago,” her voice is steady, and Poe’s transfixed. “I am the last barrier between the unknown enemies and the Younglings in the creche. I have not seen Master Luke since he instructed me to come here and defend the children.”

Rey gasps for breath, suddenly, the wind going out of her. “Oh gods, there’s – twenty Padawans are dead already,” her breath sounds like a sob, “At least twenty. The other students my age are dead, but I haven’t – I’m so sorry,” she sobs again, her face crumbling. “I haven’t seen Ben since evening meditation, Leia, I’m so sorry, I don’t know where Ben is.” Her voice gets progressively higher throughout her report.

She takes a steadying breath, and she sounds more like herself after she’s won some serenity. “The First Order has launched an assault on your aerial support. I – I’m not outside to see it, but I don’t think it’s going well. I think – I think you need to send more, Leia, if you can spare them. Chandrila isn’t responding. They cut off our comms as soon as we said First Order. Please, I’m begging, I’m – I’m the last defense.  I might not be able to hold them off for long, and the Younglings must survive. I might not still be standing by the time this reaches you,” she sounds less upset now, but terror bleeds through Poe’s veins like ice water. _What does that mean?_ “Leia, please, could you tell Poe –“

She cuts herself off and stares several inches above the holoprojector. “Gods, he knows. He knows.”

Leia grips Poe’s arm, and he covers her hand with his own, trembling in fear. Rey’s attention is diverted off-screen, and Poe’s heart clenches when he sees her reach for her lightsaber. A second later, she relaxes, and her hand falls away.

“Thank the gods, Ben!” Rey’s face lights up when Ben walks on screen. “Have you seen Luke?”

“I saw him first, actually,” Ben comments softly. Poe’s spine stiffens, and Leia grips his forearm, tightly. There’s an eerie cast to Ben’s voice. Something is very, very wrong. “He won’t be an issue anymore.”

“What?” Rey asks, looking pale even over the holo. “What does that mean?”

“It means,” Ben says, taking a step closer. Rey steps back, throwing her left arm out to protect the unseen children behind her. “That Luke Skywalker won’t be a mistrustful old fool any longer. I’m sure you won’t miss him.”

“What did you do, Ben?” Rey asks, horrified. “What the kriff did you do?”

“I did what needed to be done.”

Leia makes a small noise of pain next to Poe, and he instinctively wraps an arm around the older woman, trying to support her. Her hand fists in the front of his uniform.

“The Jedi Order needs to be destroyed,” Ben says, still quiet, still thoughtful. His lightsaber’s in his hand, still activiated, but pointed towards the ground. Poe thinks he can see a blood spatter on the front of Ben’s robes, and it makes him sick. “Tonight will mark their end, and I will be remembered with those brave enough to ensure their end.”

“No.” Rey shakes her hand, angrily. “You won’t touch these children. You’ll have to kill me if you want them.” Rey snarls, twirling her saber staff in her left hand and then grasping the hilt, bracing her feet. Her dual blades hum to life.

 _No,_ Poe thinks desperately. _That’s not how our story goes._

“I don’t want them. Not at all.” Rey doesn’t move, but her scowl deepens. “I have a different offer for you. You’ll join me, or they’ll die,” Ben says softly. “Trust me. I don’t care about them, Rey. Join me – and they live. It’s that simple. No one has to die here. No one else.”

“Don’t do it, Rey!” A small voice pipes up from off-screen. Rey holds her hand behind her, a warning gesture.

“You’re a liar,” She says hotly. “And you’ll die a liar.”

“Look into my mind, Rey,” he says soothingly, his lightsaber at his side, the blue an eerie contrast to the red in his eyes. “I mean you no harm. I’ve never meant you any harm. With the Bond we share, you know our union to be inevitable. If you just let go, you’ll see the truth, too. You were always special.” Ben holds his hand out. And, after a moment of hesitation, Rey’s saberstaff lowers, and she reaches out as well.

Rey stumbles back inches before their hands meet, and so does Ben. “You liar,” she sobs. Then her attention is directed behind Ben. “Tell your _men_ ,” she spits the word, “to lower their weapons. There are no Jedi here, only children, innocent lives. Please, Ben, take me, kill me –” Ben shakes his head, already raising his hand.

“It’s the only way,” he says softly. “I need to finish my grandfather’s work, and you need to help me do that.”

“What?” Rey raises her hand quickly. “No. You’ll have to kill me, Ben.”

“I can’t,” Ben says, louder this time. “Don’t you think this would be easier if I wasn’t always tempted by you? Your very existence has made it impossible for me to achieve my destiny. But, my new master has shown me such things – with you at my side, united on the other side of the Force, not afraid of it like the Jedi were – we could change the entire galaxy. Destroy slavery, end poverty. No child in hunger, no woman harmed, no cold government turning their back on suffering.  With the Jedi destroyed, there’s nothing separating us from being together.”

“What the fuck?” Poe whispers to Leia. She squeezes his arm in acknowledgment.

Rey doesn’t lower her lightsaber at all. “That’s not – that’s not why we aren’t together, Ben.”

“I know it’s not the only reason, Rey,” Ben says coldly. “The pilot distracted you. I saw you together, saw that you’d given in to temptation with _him_.”

“You _saw_ us?” Rey looks behind her at the children. “Ben, that’s sick.”

“But with him out of the way—”

“What do you mean, with him out of the way?” Rey looks petrified at the phrase.

Ben looks delighted. “The air team that my mother sent. He was part of the strike – I take no small pleasure in saying Lieutenant Poe Dameron died ten minutes ago.”

“You’re lying,” Rey shakes her head. “No, I can still feel him. Poe’s alive, and you’re lying – about him, and about the children. You won’t touch them, and you won’t kill him. We’re done talking.”

She waves her hand, viciously, and at least a dozen guns soar into and out of sight on the holo. Ben roars in fury and lurches forward, blade raised. Rey snarls as well, screaming something incoherent as she rushes at her friend, their sabers cross, a crack of light and sound and fury and –

The transmission cuts out.

Poe looks at Leia in horror, and a tear falls from her eye.

“General?” Poe says weakly.

 “Go, Lieutenant. It’s a five minute jump from here. And Poe – “ she clears her throat. “If it comes down to saving Rey, or a Padawan, or a youngling, and taking down my son ... Don’t hesitate.”

Poe nods, firmly.           

“Dismissed. Go.”

***

It’s too late; he realizes this as soon as they break atmo.

The temple is in ruins, flames licking hundreds of feet into the air in places; the huts and living quarters all burning.

They do a lap of the compound – there’s no movement, Poe realizes, choking, there’s no sign of life – and Black Squadron lands as quickly as possible. Snap barks orders to stay close and tight to the crew. They leap out, blasters holstered and fan out in formation to sprint across the grounds. BB-8 drops out behind Poe and rolls away, screaming in horror as it searches for signs of life.

Rey was right – dozens of Padawans, _children,_ all younger than 17, litter the ground. They’re broken in half, or their faces show signs of strangulation, but their necks aren’t bruised – Poe stops, for a minute, he makes the mistake of stopping to check the body of a fucking child (Ben did this, he thinks bleakly, Ben, his buddy, his pal, his friend, sometimes moody but always funny and kind Ben Solo did this) and he sees that the girl choked to death but there’s no signs of trauma on her throat - how the fuck does that happen?

“The creche is that way,” Jessika Pava whispers, pointing a shaking finger to the west, the map of the compound projected from her chronometer. “C’mon.” She leads the way for a bit, Poe dragging his feet. Snap’s face is absent any happiness for the first time since Poe met him, and he realizes none of them are coming back the same from this mission. The smoking remains of the first squadron scatter around the temple, and Poe realizes the Knights of Ren must have had First Order aerial support when they made their strike.

It’s child after child on the ground, some of them half his 23 years, some looking even younger than that (the orphans, Poe realizes with a lurch of his stomach, those are the Force-Sensitive orphans Rey had always been so ecstatic about working with, so loving towards), and smoke and grief force grit into his eyes in equal measure.

Poe stumbles around the battleground, seeking anyone to help, an exercise in futility - but then, he’s sprinting, sprinting because Beebee’s scanner pings with a carbon reading and the droid shrilly calls to him from a pile of rubble – someone, _someone is still alive,_ holy gods someone made it out of this massacre and his gut, his famous Dameron gut, or maybe something else, something bigger than Poe, tells him that it’s Rey. It’s her.

“There!” Kare screams, pointing. They’d all started to run towards BB-8 at the signal. There’s a section of wall in front of them, as if there’d been an explosion that ripped the temple apart, and sticking out from underneath it is a foot.

Poe and the squadron start digging, and Poe ignores the burning of his palms, under his nails, he keeps digging and digging, and he realizes that he’s screaming for Rey, he’s just screaming her name, begging her to answer. The other pilots stop, clearly thinking it useless, but Poe keeps going, still screaming for her.

Snap grabs his shoulder and tries to pull him back, “There’s no kriffing point, Lieutenant, we gotta wait for emergency equipment, c’mon Poe, stop, please,” Poe shoves Snap harder than he means to, leaving a bloody handprint on his uniform, but he can’t apologize, he can’t stop, he cannot stop, not when Rey’s right –

She’s right-

Rey’s unconscious, half-buried under the wall; somehow Poe had managed to throw enough of the stones off to find her, cradled in the spaces between the rocks (he remembers Leia mentioning using the Force to pocket oneself against danger, to surround oneself in a bubble of sorts), one hand covering her bruised face, the other hand –

Her other hand…

Oh, gods.

“Get Medical down here _now,_ ” Snap shouts into the comms. “Lieutenant Dameron, are you okay? Dameron? –” Poe shoves Snap’s hands out of the way and leans away from Rey’s broken body, unable to look anymore.

Poe vomits, and he vomits, and he can’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11: "The Last Jedi"
> 
>  
> 
> (Currently that’s the last chapter)
> 
> LMK if you’re gonna need more/a happier ending than what I have written
> 
> EDIT: So I added a planned chapter. For an attempt to seek forgiveness for my angst


	11. The Last Jedi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Poe begin to deal with the fallout from the attack on Luke Skywalker's temple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: References to injuries; more in-depth description of the loss of Rey's hand (from Chapter 10, really only implied there); general, strong angst; discussions of death toll (death of children), etc

Poe cradles Rey’s head in his lap as well as he can, his blood-stained, filthy hands trying to brush her hair out of her eyes. They’re shaking too much for him to be really successful, but he keeps trying because Rey hates it when her hair gets in her eyes, that’s why it’s always up. She wouldn’t want her hair to be in her eyes. It starts to rain while they wait for Medical, water falling on Rey's face and hair, but when Poe looks up at the sound of the transpo landing, he realizes the night sky is mockingly clear of anything but smoke.

He’s crying, crying and trying to talk to Rey, trying to tell her that it’s gonna be okay, “ _You’re getting out of here, Sunshine, because I found you, I found you, and you’re gonna come home now, I’m gonna take you home, and you’re gonna see Cass and Jyn, and Kes is gonna be so happy to see you, it’ll be okay, you’ll see, the docs are gonna patch you up, and it won’t – it won’t hurt, sweetheart, but if it does you can hold my hand until it stops, I’m never gonna leave your side again, love you so fucking much, just open your eyes, you’ll see, I’m here, I’m here for you, Rey, baby, just open your eyes, please, please_ –”

He’s still talking to her, stroking her hair when the Medical Officers approach him and begin to assess her condition. Less than a minute later, the man kneeling next to them asks that Poe stand up and move aside; but when he does, he becomes hysterical at the thought of being physically separated from Rey. Snap begs him to get out of the way when they load her on the floating stretcher, her skin too pale ( _was she always that small_?), begs him to go back to base so he can meet the Medical Officers there, but Poe refuses to leave her. Jess reminds him - as they’re pulling the stretcher away and Poe’s desperately stumbling alongside it - that Rey needs to get on transpo out of there, and Poe needs to fly Black Two back to base, but he doesn’t move from Rey’s side, and he slugs the first person who tries to pull him away.

He’s sedated, and when he wakes up, he’s back on base, in the Medical Wing.

“Where’s Rey?” Poe demands the second his eyes are open. A kinder medical professional points wordlessly to the surgical ward, and Poe rips the monitoring cuff off his arm, leaps from the bed, and sprints through the doors, slamming against the wall when he turns the corner.

The window to surgery isn’t obscured, and he flies into it going almost full speed. There’s at least ten people working on Rey, and he bangs on the glass, screaming her name even though rationally he knows she’s unconscious.

“You need to settle down Lieutenant, or you’ll be removed.” Poe turns and sees Doctor Kalonia, the woman who’d helped him as a child and again when he was tortured, frowning at him. “I need to go in there now, and we’re going to lower the screen, so you won’t be able to see anything. I’ll personally come get you if anything changes, but you need to _calm yourself,_ or you’re out. Clear?” Poe nods, swallowing against the panic. He’s still staring at Rey’s unmoving body when the window goes dark.

Around him, countless doctors and nurses mill about, struggling to fix the wounds of survivors from the skirmish at the temple. Poe sees Pava walk by a nearby corridor, a bacta cast on her arm. She waves at him forlornly, and he tries to nod in response. A random junior officer hands him the effects that were pulled off of him when he was under sedation, and he can’t help but notice that his blaster isn’t part of the collection of items. _Fair enough._

Poe works on calming himself, leaning against the wall opposite to the window, in case it opens again, in case he can get a glimpse of Rey. He waits for almost an hour before anything happens, but the change in his environment comes from outside surgery –

“Where is my daughter?” Cassian Andor demands, shoving through walls of medical professionals. “Gods damn you all, where the fuck is my girl?” He stumbles to a halt outside the operating room where Poe stands, clutching his blood-stained jacket in his equally blood-stained hands.

“Colonel,” Poe says weakly. “I’m so sorry.”

“No,” Cassian shakes his head. “No, no – Dameron, please don’t tell me.” He grips Poe’s upper arms and shakes him, angrily. “Don’t tell me I have to go home and tell my wife that we lost – that our baby –” he chokes, despairingly.

“She’s alive,” Poe informs him. “I thought you knew, I’m sorry Colonel.”

‘Then why are you sorry in the first place?” Cassian snaps. “Fuck, Poe.”

“Sorry, I’m just – You should hear it from the doc,” Poe says tiredly.

“No. _You_ tell me.” It’s an order, and one Poe can’t disobey. “What the fuck happened?”

“It was Ben. Ben Solo.” Poe spits out, and Cassian recoils. Ben had split his time on Yavin 4 between their families’ compounds; they might not ever recover from this sort of betrayal. “He turned to the Dark Side, and helped slaughter all the Padawans and Younglings. Rey was trying to defend them.” Poe shakes his head. If there was anything left in his stomach, he’d vomit again from the memory of the tiny bodies on the ground. “She was trying to defend them, and Ben – I don’t even fucking know, Ben proposed to her or something. He went even crazier when she said no. And he – he –“

“He _what_?” Cassian prods. “Tell me! Now! What did he do to her?”

“He cut her hand off,” Poe whispers, staring at the darkened window. Cassian slumps into the wall next to him, a sad echo of the last time they had a conversation, not even a week ago, how was that only a week ago. “He cut her kriffing – I’ve never seen anything like it. There wasn’t even blood, Cass, it was just – just gone, and –“ Poe leans forward with his hands on his knees, lets his head hang down while he gasps for breath.

“That motherfucking –” Cassian swears creatively, and Poe continues to hyperventilate. There isn’t much left to say because a Medical Officer comes out to give them a report.

They basically repeat what Poe said regarding her hand, only with more detail – cut off an inch below the wrist, cauterized automatically, no chance of reattachment (Pava had the foresight to find the hand and bring it back, but the nerves were literally fried, and Poe gags at the image) – but they also list the broken ribs, broken leg, and the damage to her lungs from smoke inhalation.

“She could have died if you’d found her even minutes later,” the doctor informs Poe gently. Cassian grips his shoulder, terrified. “You saved her life.” They walk away, and Poe trembles, shakes almost right out of his skin at the idea that she’d been so close to death. Cassian pulls him in for a bone-cracking hug, whispering _thank you, thank you,_ to him, but Poe can’t return it, can only stare over Cass’s shoulder while he contemplates the fact that he may have saved Rey’s life, but he arrived too late to save her the agony she’ll face when she wakes up.

***

Rey does wake up, hours later. Jyn arrives moments before they announce that, having come back from off-world, and literally bullies the doctor into letting her see her daughter, now sitting in a private recovery wing.

 “If you don’t let us see her, so help me gods, I will shove your holo-pad so far up your ass, I will be able to use it when I reach down your throat,” she snarls. And at almost fifty, and five feet tall, Jyn Erso-Andor successfully scares the large officer into obligingly opening up the door for her and her husband to sweep through. “Are you coming, Poe?” Jyn turns and asks when she reaches the threshold.

Cassian walked through before her, and Poe’s entirely distracted by the soft, broken voice of Rey crying, “ _Papa._ ” That one word is enough to make Cassian sprint to his daughter’s bed, out of sight of the door, and to make Poe’s heart to crumble even further.

Poe shakes his head.

“Should just be you two, at first,” Poe whispers. Jyn smiles at him tightly, and the door closes behind her.

Ten minutes later, Cassian appears again. “She’s begging for you, Poe. Please.” Cassian, who Poe has never thought of as being old, looks impossibly aged from the last few minutes alone. Poe swallows and nods, pushing off from the wall. The next twenty steps that carry him across the hallway and into Rey’s room feel like the longest, most difficult steps of his life, an impossible distance he’s about to bridge, from the time before, over the last heinous ten hours, to a future that’s unknown.

Jyn Erso-Andor’s curled up on her side next to her daughter, her small body curved protectively around her, her hands carding through Rey’s hair. Jyn’s been crying, Poe realizes. All of them have, but it’s the tears on strong, tough-as-shit Jyn Erso's face that make him want to sob, suddenly.

Rey’s appearance doesn’t help. There’s horrible bruising on one side of her face, several cuts that had required stitches and will need bacta to prevent scarring, a pain-meds drip feeding into the crook of her elbow, and her right wrist is bandaged, the absence of her hand that much more painfully obvious now. Poe tries not to stare at it, but his eyes are drawn to it, hatred for Ben Solo rising in his gut in a forceful wave.

She catches him staring, of course. “Joke’s on Ben,” she says softly. Poe raises his eyes to Rey’s face, and he sees that she’s smiling. A ghost of her former grin, but a smile nonetheless. He stumbles forward without thinking, drawn in by her impossible grace as always. He falls to his knees at her bedside, clutching at the hand she offers him. She squeezes his fingers, and then cups his jaw, stroking her thumb over his chin.

“Joke?” Poe repeats, wanting to know more, needing to hear her voice again.

“Yeah,” Rey nods, and Jyn burrows her face into her daughter’s shoulder. “Joke’s on him. I’m left-handed.”

A pause, and then –

Poe snorts. He honestly snorts, at the same time he starts crying. “Gods, that’s so karked-up, Andor.”

“Yeah,” Rey nods, solemnly. “But gimme a hand, Poe. I’m really reaching here.” Jyn starts laughing at that too, hugging Rey awkwardly from the side, and Cassian plunks down at the end of the bed, his hand squeezing Rey’s unbroken shin over the blankets. Cassian holds out his other hand to Poe, who takes it without hesitation.

The four of them laugh and cry in equal measure, all of them centered around Rey, miraculous, incredible Rey, who’s still alive, still kind enough to make them want to suffer less even as she’s in certain agony, Rey Andor, Jedi Knight, and human sunshine. Poe kisses the hand Rey reached out with, presses his lips into her palm as he laughs, and Rey leans back on the pillows more, her eyes drooping shut even as she gives a smile that’s a more realistic approximation of her true potential for happiness.

***

She’s in less high spirits the next time she wakes up. The pain meds must be wearing off because she grimaces more than she smiles; or, maybe it’s because her parents are out of the room. Jyn and Cassian went home to gather things for her recovery room, to make it more like home, and Poe was the only one there when she opened her eyes.

Rey cries more, in these ten minutes, than Poe’s ever seen her cry in fifteen years of friendship. He sits at her side, openly crying as well, while she pours everything out to him.

‘He told me you were dead,” Rey weeps, clutching at him with her hand. “P-p-poe, Ben said you” she sniffs, and sobs so hard he’s afraid she’ll fall apart, “He said you were overhead when the First Order took out the X-Wings. He said you had _died_ –”

“I didn’t.” Poe places his hands on either side of her face. “Gods, sweetheart, I’m here, and so are you, and we’re never going to be apart again, I promise.”

“Yeah?” Rey asks softly, tears still in her eyes.

Poe kisses her forehead, her nose, her lips. “I promise on every fucking star in the sky, Rey, nothing and nobody will be able to separate us again. I love you, I love you and I’m so sorry, Sunshine.”

“I love you too,” Rey says. “I don’t have the words for it, I can’t talk about it right, but I love you so much. I missed you.”

“Gods, sweetheart, I missed you so much, it was like I was fucking drowning—” Poe kisses her more earnestly this time, leaning forward over her bedside, and he doesn’t stop until someone clears their throat.

It’s Leia. Rey and Poe stare at her, and Leia gazes back, unreadable grief in her eyes. Her eyes. Ben’s eyes. Poe can’t help but make the comparison, now.

“I’m sorry, Leia.” Rey speaks first. Her hand is still fisted in Poe’s shirt, from when they were kissing and she was pulling him closer. “I couldn’t save him, I’m sorry.” Her voice breaks, another wave of tears, and Poe quickly kisses some of them away, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears.

“It’s not your fault, dear girl,” Leia assures her sweeping forward, reaching for her free hand, the one not on the front of Poe’s shirt, before she remembers. Poe swallows another lump of grief at the slip-up, at the future stretching before them where Rey will have to deal with the consequences of the Skywalkers’ actions.

“It’s not yours either,” Rey says quickly. “I – It’s not your fault, Leia.” Leia cups her cheek delicately, and then trades a quick look with Poe, one that says, _I’m sorry for this._ Poe nods. He’s sorry, too.

“I have some questions,” Leia says apologetically. Rey nods, and then scoots over, looking at Poe meaningfully. He picks up on the hint, and climbs onto the bed next to her until he’s crammed into the cot with her. Once they settle, Rey’s tucked into his side, her remaining hand on his chest, his arm around her shoulders.

Leia’s questions are hesitant, but professional. She wants to know how Ben had been acting in the last months (not great, apparently), what weapon he used (lightsaber), how many children were present during Rey and Ben’s confrontation (twelve, and Rey cries for thirty seconds before she can spit the word out), and how Rey had lost the hand (Ben had given her one more demand to join him, and when she ignored it, he’d pretended to lunge for a child; Rey had leapt to the side, and he had tried to disarm her. “ _And he literally did,_ ” Rey whispers as an attempt at a joke. None of them laugh).

The questions are brutal, and Rey shakes horribly the entire time. Poe holds her tighter, but he’s pretty sure he’s shaking too. _A well-matched pair._ There’s one question that’s burning at him, one that he’s pretty sure Rey has too, but she seems too exhausted to keep talking.

“Where’s Luke?” Poe asks.

“No word from him,” Leia says softly, tears leaking out of her eyes silently. _How much has she suffered?_ Poe wonders to himself. “For all we know, he never made it out of the temple. I never felt him die, but -- Ben did tell Rey…that he…started with Luke.”

Rey shudders and buries her face in Poe’s shoulder. He kisses her head. “Any confirmed survivors besides Rey?” He asks, weakly.

Leia shakes her head. “No. We did another sweep after you were evacuated. It seems that…Ben only spared her.”

She leaves a few minutes later, and Rey weeps bitterly, harder than ever before. The sound of it cuts Poe more than he ever thought possible. He pulls her more onto his chest and tucks his chin on top of her head.

She tries to say something, and he cups her cheek in his hand, stroking away some of the tears. “What was that, Sunshine?”

Rey wipes her eyes with great effort and sits up look at him. Something in her eyes is broken, and he realizes it may never be repaired. “I said, I’m the last of the Jedi.” Rey cries again, her hand over her mouth, and Poe closes his eyes against the wave of agony. Her grief is his –

He wonders if this is what a Force Bond feels like, if this is what connects Ben and Rey – or is it something different entirely. Is this coursing grief that cuts through him with each of Rey’s sobs the sign of a connection through time and space, or is this just what love is? Poe doesn’t know what to think; he just knows he wants to stand between this ocean of misery and the woman he loves; he wants to bear this burden for her. But he can’t. Poe is a lot of things, but he isn’t a Jedi. All he can do is hold Rey, his Sunshine ( _the last Jedi_ ) and hope that in any way he can reduce her pain, for a second.

Rey collapses into unconsciousness at some point, and he holds her tighter, praying to the Force to let this pass, to not crush her under this new burden.

He has a vision, then, of the tree back on the compound on Yavin 4. A brief vision, a glimpse of the tree and its technicolor roots, the threads of the universe that bind the bark together. He remembers the vision he had under it when he was a child; a vision of him and Rey, and light all around them, together and happy, truly happy.

He hopes these are the first steps to that future, and not one that is still entirely obscured by fear and the Dark.

Poe hopes.

That’s all he can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~This was the original ending of the fic~
> 
> But,  
> Next Chapter:  
> "Like the Sun"


	12. Like the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue to our story: Rey and Poe heal after the massacre at the temple, and heed Leia Organa's most important lesson. Hope is like the sun - if you only believe in it when you can see it, you'll never make it through the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings:  
> throwbacks to violence/the difficulty of healing/Ben being a creeper/implied intimacy

The next months are marked by the process of re-learning; they’re marked by a series of firsts.

Poe re-learns how to sleep through the night, something he’d almost started to take for granted again. The nightmares that had plagued him after his torture come back in full force, only now it’s Rey being tortured, being broken, dying in front of him. The thing that makes it possible – the going back to sleep once he’s startled awake, often screaming for her – is that she’s right there, either lying in the bed while he’s sprawled out in the chair, or later, in the bed next to him, once Kalonia’s officially given up on shooing him off. Rey is there, always awake when he is, whispering, “ _I felt it too, Poe, I’m right here sweetheart, I’m here, I love you and I’m here,_ ” and she’s kind enough to let him kiss her until his heart stops threatening to beat out of his chest.

Rey walks for the first time five weeks after the massacre at the temple. She stumbles more than once, the muscles of her back still damaged from being crushed under rubble – the weeks of bacta stretched on before her at that point, and Poe swore to be there sitting outside the tank for each session – and her leg still shooting phantom pains clear into her shoulder blades. Poe kisses her each time she falls, and Rey snorts at him for it. “You realize you’re just incentivizing me to trip, right, flyboy?” She snarks at him. Poe squeezes her arm and then walks five feet away from her. He holds his arms out to her, no words, just a cheeky grin on his face (and the muscles there ache from disuse in a way they never have before – after a lifetime of laughter, Poe had grown used to not smiling when separated from Rey, and then smiles were hard to find after the attack). Rey raises an eyebrow, the corner of her mouth quirked up, exposing the dimple Poe loves to kiss, and then she sets her jaw stubbornly. With hands clenched into fists, she staggers over to him, and she falls into his chest. Poe catches her, kisses her, swears to catch her every time. “That’s the plan, Dameron,” she says softly. He kisses her again because these are her first steps; but they won’t be her last.

Rey also re-learns how to trust herself. She refuses to use the Force, to even listen to it, for more than a month after her first steps. Poe can see how it drains her, how the push and pull of the universe’s tide around her refuses to ebb, refuses to relent, begging her to tap into it. Poe hates seeing her do this to herself, so he starts to put small objects – flowers, pretty rocks he finds in the soil, her favorite fruits – on the foot of her bed and whispers, “Try? For me?” and Rey will look back at him with tears in her eyes, often lifting her hand for a moment or two, fingers trembling before she shakes her head, biting her lips so hard her mouth becomes a straight line. She collapses back on the pillows each time sobbing, “I can’t, I can’t,” and Poe will nod, move the object out of the way, and curl up next to her, wrapping her up in his arms and showering kisses and apologies in her hair. On one of her better days, Poe helps her walk outside, where a Yavin rainstorm is fading – the droplets as fat and joyful as newborns – and Rey stands without support, face tilted up to the sky as her hair plasters to her forehead. He watches her breathe, in, and out, in, and out, and her hands rise up ‘til they’re in the air, above the line of her shoulders. He watches, imagining that ball of light from all those months ago, the feeling of love and joy and contentment, and pushes it towards her, imagining a string connecting his heart to hers. He watches as a smile stretches across her face – one not born from an ill-timed joke she makes at her own expense, one not born from trying to make others feel better – and he watches as the rain slows around her in a perfect crystalline arc, the water freezing in the air around her, suspended in the most beautiful, most gentle, most Rey Andor display of power he’s ever seen.

They lie together that night, whispering into the night about everything and anything that’s never been touched by violence. They talk about the crops coming in on Yavin, his father’s harvest this season. They talk about the simple yet lovely ceremony that bound Snap and Kare as husband and wife two weeks prior. They talk about the worst prank Poe ever pulled at the Academy, one involving a jammed mail chute and a steaming mad XO. They talk about the sound of waves on the shore of Chandrila, and Poe smiles and makes plans he prays he can see through when Rey says she’s never seen the ocean. They talk for hours, until there are no more words left to say, and Poe watches as Rey lies down on her side with her back to him, helps her adjust so there’s no weight on her hurt leg, kisses her neck and strokes her side when she eases backwards, whispers her name into her shoulder as her hand comes up to twine into his curls. Poe loves Rey, and he gets to show her how much, demonstrate that love, for the first time since the mission to Corulag. “Love you,” he murmurs, before, during, after. “I’ll love you for every day of the rest of my life, and every day after.” And Rey feels the same way, he knows she does, she tells him she does, and it’s the first time here in the aftermath, but it certainly won’t be the last time.

It isn’t always a step forward. The first time Rey touches her lightsaber again, testing out the mechanical hand that a young woman named Rose Tico engineered for her, she screams and drops it automatically. Poe rushes to her side, but Rey screams, “ _Get the fuck out of here!”_ Poe straightens up, startled, from where he was crouched next to her, but she isn’t looking at him. Instead, she’s looking at the corner of the room, her face stricken, eyes wild with terror. “Get out!” She sobs, and Poe dives back down and wraps his arms around her, trying to shield her with his body. “He can’t see you,” Rey wails. “He can only see – Ben, get out – why are you – no! No, you don’t get to say that – because I loved you too, Ben, just not the way you wanted me to—” It’s an agonizing argument, and Poe strokes the sides of Rey’s face the whole time, kisses the stress lines being forged in her forehead. “No, and now you’ll never see me again. Get _out_!” She throws her hand out with the last command, every muscle in her body locked. Poe feels a strange, invisible wave of energy pass through her, cutting through the air of the room, and then she collapses, sobbing. Ben’s gone, that much is obvious, and it’s another three days before she’s willing to touch the saber again.

They move to a different base, the one on D’Qar, the one Ben Solo never knew about (and Poe wonders if Luke somehow had sensed his nephew’s future rage because he had withheld that information from him). Kes kisses Poe on the forehead before he leaves, after he refuses to leave the compound despite Rey’s warnings of the lack of safety given Ben’s fall. “It’s the home I built for your mother,” Kes says stubbornly. “I stay here for her, for the tree. Same thing really, when you think about it.” Cassian and Jyn stay with Kes, and clutch Rey, sobbing, before she and Poe walk onto the transpo and take off. She holds Poe’s hand so tightly while they wave goodbye to their parents that he’s afraid she might break it. He whispers a reminder to her that he’s holding her right hand (the mechanical one, the one she doesn’t fully know the strength of yet), and she apologizes distantly, releasing his hand and continuing to wave to her mama and papa. Poe kisses the side of her head, and she kisses the underside of his jaw, and they hold each other through the jump to Hyperspace, remain touching each other somehow as they receive their orders, and through the grace of the Force and luck – and probably more than a little bit of intervention from Leia Organa – are granted a shared bunk.

It’s not perfect, and it’s not always happy, but it’s a life they’re building together, and Poe thanks every star he sees, and every one he can't, every day for the chance to build it with her. Rey Andor is an incandescent beacon of hope for the Resistance, the girl who emerged from the rubble, who stared the Dark in the face and came through, bloody, unbowed, refusing to yield to enemies both from within and without - it's Rey Andor who they all look to, the miraculous last of the Jedi, the sweet and kind young woman who has time for everyone, all the time. And it's Poe Dameron she turns to for support, Poe Dameron who she holds each night, Poe Dameron who gets to kiss the wounds that he can see, and the ones he can't. This is their life, and their battle, and he has hope, absolute and unshakable hope, that they're going to win. 

Poe Dameron loves Rey Andor, and he wants to spend every day with her, the ring around his neck becoming an unbearable weight as he imagines where it should rightfully be for the rest of his days - 

But, they have a war to win. And, one day, in the middle of a strategy meeting, the holo casting a strange glow to all of their faces, Rey reaches out at the same time Leia does, the women leaning into each other, gasping in tandem. Poe runs around the outside of the table, where he'd been standing on the opposite side with other naval officers, to catch Rey when she almost falls, and Connix catches Leia. 

"What is it?" He demands, looking back and forth between the women. Leia waves tiredly at Rey, who stares up at Poe with a light of wild, confused, but undeniable hope in her eyes.

"It was so fast," she breathes.  _What was?_ Poe bites back the question because Rey's still talking. "It was so fast, but I know it was him - I know it!" Leia nods and reaches out to grab Rey's outstretched hand. "Master Luke - he's alive." 

She throws herself into Poe's arms after that, and all he can hear is Rey Andor whispering in his ear, "I'm not the last Jedi, after all." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've made it to the end, my friends. thank you so much for reading!
> 
> If you don't hate me/ my writing yet, please let me know whether or not you'd like to see a sequel to this! I have one outlined that follows TFA (with the different dynamics that would exist between Kylo/Poe in the interrogation scene, knowing that Ben loved Rey, and hurt the woman Poe loves; and, Rey's investment in Luke's story), and would definitely write it if you all would like to see it!
> 
> And I should get around to updating Commander Dameron/Much Ado, and finishing my next chapter of Roadside Assistance (I fleshed out Rey's backstory in that one and surprise, it's tragic)

**Author's Note:**

> *** = time jump
> 
>    
> As always, thank you for reading <3


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